Alone versus loneliness.

According to the Centers of Disease Control, “Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact.”

Alone means, “separated, apart, or isolated from others. Alone is the physical state whereby you are physically by yourself while lonely is the emotional state. “

Sometimes loneliness and being alone can be interconnected, and at other times it isn’t. From the CDC: “Social isolation is a lack of social connections. Social isolation can lead to loneliness in some people, while others can feel lonely without being socially isolated.” Two different things yet they do play a part to one another. Over time, those who are physically alone can lead to loneliness.

We saw that recently with the isolation during Covid lockdown. It took its toll on certain members of the population, specifically our elderly. Having had a cognitively-impaired parent isolate during that time, we saw the effects of isolation on her. While it wasn’t the immediate cause of her death, it certainly contributed to it.

I heard someone say recently that it is ironic: in today’s society we have all these devices and distractions that can keep us connected, yet more people today feel lonely and that they do not have any significant connection.

Why do we feel alone? Why do we have the need to feel that we are apart of something even if we are not physically with others? There is some basic need for us to belong.

Recently, our little niece was having a slightly difficult time in finding a friend in school. She had just started kindergarten. She asked her grandma to pray that she find just one friend. Part of the problem was, while she wanted someone to hang out with during recess, she did not want to do what everyone else was doing. (Living in the hot south, she, like Ferdinand the Bull, wanted to sit under a tree. Meanwhile all the other little tikes wanted to run around like banshees.) She did find one friend to sit with her and now is perfectly content. (As she told her grandma, you can stop praying for me, thank you very much!)

The problem for her was the “in between time” at school: before class began, during lunch and recess, etc. The time when one is allowed to socialize/talk and play and doesn’t have to adhere to a set class routine.

I get it. When I was in school, I did not like that in-between time either. It always seemed to me that the other students all seemed to know each other and got along. There was an unspoken understanding among them. I was the odd man out. I may have been surrounded by lots of children, yet I felt all by myself.

At times, I have felt that way even as an adult. Whether it was at a social club, the local pool or even in church. Of course, while I have many things in common with those surrounding me, I always felt slightly different and alone in my outlook and lifestyle. Even in my family I can feel alone.

Does that make us lonely? Sometimes not. It isn’t such a bad thing to be “your own person”. In fact, we want our children to grow up to be self-assured and to not just follow along with the crowd. We want them to feel comfortable on their own due to their own choice, not because they are lonely.

Mind you, even though I believe that we need to have connectedness and community, connection still is dependent upon how we are wired- introverted or extroverted or some where in between.

Once again, it is the balance of life. To feel comfortable with being alone and not feel that one has to go along with the crowd just because everyone else is “doing it”. But also it is important to feel part of a whole/group. We long to belong and to know that we are not traversing life alone.

As we age, it is important to cultivate friendships yet it is harder to do so. The natural environment of meeting new people is limited. No longer do we make friends through a new school year and class or through a work environment. That is especially true for people who now work remotely. Depending on the location, being a newcomer can be difficult. It is hard to break into set relationships. Many people are set in their ways and set in their friendships.

That is why Facebook seemed like such a good idea- connecting with people that you might not normally connect with. But without that in-person, reality check-in, one can really hide what is going on in one’s life. Facebook and social media and the like can just show the best-of highlights. Sadly that keeps us more apart and lonely because it is a relentless deluge of “keeping up with the Joneses”. One in which more people feel that they are on the outside looking in to the wonder, beauty, “having it all” lifestyle of those “in the know”- influencers.

What is the cure for loneliness? Is there one? Should there be? Will it always be part of our human condition?

According to Laura Santos a cognitive scientist and psychology professor from Yale University, 60% of Americans have reported feeling lonely since Covid. Yet Dr. Santos has noted that the feeling of loneliness has been on a steady linear increase since the 1970’s. Not surprising loneliness has increased along with the decrease of group behaviors: clubs, or third places (outside work and school) where people can meet. She notes that it is not just the elderly or older people but college students, surrounded by other college students who have reported increase in loneliness. She suggests that the social clubs, bowling, gathering for knitting, etc are all things that need to be reinstated to engage with one another and to counter the feeling of loneliness by the feeling of belonging.

According to the UK Red Cross site, here are some suggestions if one feels lonely:

• Reach out to others.

• Talk to someone with experience.

• Build meaningful connections.

• Make new friends by volunteering.

• Get involved in your local community.

• Try our wellbeing resources and workshops.

What about you? Are you alone? Lonely? Have you ever felt lonely in the middle of a crowd?

There are times when I relish being alone. Time to regroup, replenish and think my thoughts. At other times, I do feel lonely. When that happens I try to reach out to close friends and family. But I also have tried to reach out to someone else who might also feel lonely.

I have heard the story told of the late Princess Diana. When she would enter a room or gathering, she most often would find the person who seemed shy and sitting alone. She would make a point of reaching out and speaking to that person. Having been shy herself, she recognized those feelings in others.

Most importantly, I think we do need to recognize that we are never alone: God is always with us. Of course, sometimes it is very difficult to feel God’s presence, but that doesn’t mean that God isn’t here. Many times I have to remind myself that God is always with me and never leaves me alone. We never have to feel that we are going it alone and that what we are experiencing doesn’t matter. It does. Especially to the One who created us.

One of our favorite bands: The Fisherman’s Friends. Even though some of the lyrics to the shanties are sad, singing them seems to lift one’s spirits.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/unlock-loneliness/15-things-do-if-youre-feeling-lonely

https://www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/get-help-with-loneliness

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-americans-are-lonelier-and-its-effects-on-our-health#:~:text=It's%20often%20talked%20about%20as,on%20a%20pretty%20regular%20basis.