Make Tea, Not War

There is an Arab-Bedouin tradition called “sulha”, meaning the meal between enemies for the purpose of reconciliation. It is a informal conflict resolution practice that includes four elements: forgiveness, reconciliation, ritual and honor. It is based on the fact that eastern tradition sees a conflict, not as an individual issue but a wider one including whole tribe or family. So it is the whole tribe or family that needs to come together in the resolution. This is done by agreeing upon an elder in the community who will act as mediator and guide the parties through the process. Aseel Al-Ramahi, an advisor to the Chief Justice of Bahrain says, “Whereas westerners know the primacy of law, the Arabs know the primacy of interpersonal relationships."

The whole practice is based on trust, humility and mercy. Trust in the one Jaha or well-respected elder who represents the parties and helps bring the parties to some type of consensus. Humility, since the one who has caused the conflict comes to the table in the spirit of humility and not one of gloating. And mercy. The aggrieved, while having the right to seek revenge, demonstrates the magnanimity of forgiving the other. Because as people living as they do in community, it is important to have interpersonal relationships.

The western tradition with our rugged individualism sees conflict as a perceived problem between one or two people. The problem is solved by one overtaking the other, whether that is through force, political gain or “winning” the debate. There is no consensus. It is an “all or nothing”event. In some ways, it is no wonder we have thrown ourselves into this uncompromising pit with no way out.

I think of Jesus and the many times He taught over a meal, including and especially “the last supper”. It is amazing to me, the fact that the one who betrayed Jesus (Judas) was present at that meal and that Jesus included him in the conversation of communion through the bread and wine. Jesus shows the ultimate in sulha (or peace). Imagine if we knew our mortal enemy was sitting among our group of closest friends. Would we be so magnanimous to include him in our act of love and forgiveness? Jesus, God present on earth, was the epitome of interpersonal relationships. Jesus would do anything, including dying, in order for us to have a relationship with Him. Any animosity that might be between us- namely our sinful animosity towards God- is gone due to Jesus’ ultimate death and resurrection. The thing is, the communion table, the place of sulha has as its wise elder, Jesus. It is only through Jesus that we can have wholeness and peace.

What about you? Would you break bread with an enemy? Have you ever had to do that? What happened?

I wonder in the seemingly increasing climate of hostility in which we live, perhaps we need to start thinking of sulha and the importance of interpersonal relationships over the right to be right. I am wondering what it would look like if we approached those with whom we disagree with a spirit of humility, mercy and grace. If we were willing to sit down, have a meal and let the God in me commune with the God in you.

You Win Some... You Learn Some.....

I was listening to some collection of music on Spotify. I think it was called “Coastal Grandma”. (At first I was a little put-off by the age implication that the digital DJ “suggested”, but it turned out that it had songs that I really liked. One of the songs, can’t remember by whom, had a line- “win some, learn some”.

I had to think for a minute. Such a nice take on the expression, “you win some and you lose some”. It takes the connotation of losing and creates an opportunity: one can learn so much when things aren’t always the best outcome. It is in those “losing” opportunities that we learn about ourselves and others. We also can learn about our relationship to God. For some, the greatest learning occurs when we have “failed”.

Many, although I suspect most “famous” people, have had their share of failures: Madeleine L’Engle- her Wrinkle in Time book was rejected many times, now a classic; Michael Jordan- considered the greatest basketball player was cut from his high school basketball team; Albert Einstein was a terrible student, his parents thought he was developmentally delayed- didn’t speak fluently until he was nine; Steven Spielberg had such poor grades in school he was rejected to University Southern California all three times that he applied; Abraham Lincoln lost many elections before winning any, Oprah Winfrey was fired from one of her first television jobs.

I know when I “fail” I am embarrassed- I want to just curl up and be left alone. When I “lose some”, I want to lash out in anger or cry about the injustice of it all. Some times the “losing” causes great pain: loss of a dream, person, goal, or the way things were.

In those times, I can feel angry and bitter at God- Why? What are You doing? I thought You promised? I think- erroneously- that God has abandoned me in my failure. I treat my relationship with God conditionally as if God is only with me when I “win” or are successful. (Which, if I am honest, can be read- when I get what I want.) Yet, so many times God doesn’t give us what we want but rather what we need. Sometimes what we need is to rely on Him more- to lean towards or lean-on God.

Recently, a new friend from our current church preached for our vacationing rector. She shared some words from the writer, retreat leader and conference speaker- Joyce Rupp. Ms. Rupp had written a list of “40 Questions that our Lean-to God asks us.” These are questions that help us when we “lose some”. Here are just a few:

  • Will you believe that I love you without any reservations?

  • Will you trust Me?

  • Will you let Me be your strength?

  • Will you allow My grace to move within you?

  • Will you open up your heart?

  • Will you come to Me in prayer so I can empower you?

  • Will you place your hand in Mine?

  • Will you drink of the living waters I bring to you?

  • Will you take refuge in the shadow of My wings?

  • Will you talk with Me about what is really difficult for you?

  • Will you wait patiently for Me to revive your spirit?

  • Will you allow Me to walk with you?

  • Will you rest your weariness on Me?

  • Will you give Me your ache so that I can heal you?

  • Will yuou accept My compassion?

  • Will you be quiet enough to hear Me?

  • Will you believe in the power of My resurrection?

What about you? Have you ever felt that your life is a win some, lose some experience? With more of the emphasis on lose some? Do you wonder where is God in all of this? How can you turn a “lose some” into an opportunity of learning something?

You are not alone. Many of the giants of the faith- think Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Leah and Rachel, Moses, David, Jonah, even Jesus (if you apply the world’s definition of success to Him) would all have had the experience of “lose some”. Yet, it is in those moments of loss, that God’s all encompassing presence can be found. Lessons can be learned. And that is something to celebrate as a win.

La Passeggiata

Recently, I watched a video from a woman whom I have followed over the years. She started out as a sustainable fashion blogger and it has been interesting to watch her “business” grow. I am fascinated by the younger generation and how adaptable they are in living out the kind of life they want. This gal, because she is online and uses the web for her “office” can work anywhere. She travels to Europe for stints of three months or so (I am sure that it is tied to the visa timeframe) and then returns to her native Canada for a period of time.

Her visits abroad are an interesting mix of travelogue, philosophy and lifestyle. In one of her latest youtube videos she shares some things she learned while in southern Italy. These are lessons she wants to continue when she returns back home.

I think we all can relate to being away at a new place and experiencing some type of new routine or experience that resonates with us. We want to bring it home and continue that experience and emotion. While that is admirable, I wonder can we sustain it? But then, I wonder why can’t we? What is it that when we return home we revert back to living life in a way that may not truly resonate with us or that we want to continue?

Is it because we have responsibility at home and potentially lack thereof when we are on holiday?

One of the things that she wants to incorporate into her post holiday life is the practice of la passeggiata: the after dinner evening stroll. It is common for those in the southern Italian community to stroll after dinner. Partly it is a way to see and be seen but it is an opportunity to exercise which is good for one’s total (physical, emotional, social) health.

Having just been on a little holiday myself, I’ve been thinking about routines. How we do we develop one? Can we add or subtract to them? Why do some routines stick and others do not? In looking at some of the literature, it appears that a routine is different from a habit. A habit is some action that is associated with a cue. For example, hand washing after using the restroom is a habit. The cue to doing the handwashing is using the bathroom.

On the other hand, routines do not require conscious effort or thought as it does not depend upon a cue. (Though I think it might be a question of semantics. My dad had a routine for his meals- breakfast, lunch and dinner. And while there didn’t seem to be a cue, he seemed to just know when it was 8am, 12pm and 6pm.)

When we get in a certain routine, we go about our day without much thought. Our routines, because we do not have to think about them, become the foundation for whatever work, play, or schedule that we have. Some routines we cannot change or at least not during certain stages of our lives: feed the children, clean up after ourselves, manage our health, walk the dog, go to work, etc.

When on holiday, our routines can be quite different. The dog may be boarded so we do not have the dog walking responsibility or our meals are being provided through a hotel, restaurant, or another family member. We might find that our routine is the pattern of the place we are in. I know of people who have gone to other towns and have been surprised that restaurants are not open all the time: they might close after the luncheon crowd and not open until later in the evening, or close earlier in the evening so that a late supper is not an option. For those travelers, their normal eating routine has to change.

I wonder about my blogger gal. How much can she practice the routine that she had in Italy when she returns to Canada? I think it is admirable to want to incorporate some things that resonated with her.

Her thoughts made me think of our home routine and possible ways to change it. Not so much as adding habits, but possibly changing the structure of our days. Life situations have a way of changing our routines: living with someone else, having children around, losing a partner or roommate, retirement. My husband and I haven’t had a life change situation in a while but I am thinking of changing up our daily routine or at least changing the pattern of some days of the week. For instance, on evenings when we have activities/meetings, try to have our dinner mid-day. Doing so will change the routine of our meal prep- making more food some nights so that the lunch/dinner will be leftovers freeing us up from meal prep in the middle of a work day. We have come to an age where eating “continental” right before bed doesn’t feel right.

What about you? Any routines from trips or holidays that you have incorporated into your regular home routine? What are they? Why did you make the decision to incorporate them?

Another routine I would like to incorporate is la passeggiata: getting outside after dinner, walking and seeing one’s neighbors. Seems like such a nice way to end the day.

Creativity

Would you consider yourself a creative person?

There are people whom everyone says, “Oh, she’s soooo creative.” They are the kind of people who can elevate any item to a work of art. Folks who can plop down the grocery bags in an aesthetically pleasing manner. Or people who go about life, truly thinking “outside the box”. No matter the situation, these folks are guaranteed to have thought of a different way to achieve an outcome.

Many years ago, a talented and creative friend designed elaborate birthday parties for her children. She even had a Cinderella-themed birthday (sans any premade Disney items) complete with a mini-van make-over to resemble the royal carriage.

While I would say I am somewhat creative, my talent lies more in taking what I have and making the best of it- either reusing or repurposing it. Although I think one can train oneself to have an artistic eye. The more one looks at something beautiful (bearing in mind that beauty is in the eye of the beholder), the more one is attune to seeing and responding to the world with creativity.

When I was a kid, I had a “craft box” containing all sorts of arts and crafts: colored pencils, paints, pastels; clay; bits and bobs of string, ribbon and small fabric; glitter; glue; small shells and pebbles. I had the items all arranged in small cigar boxes that fit just so into a larger cardboard storage file box with a hinged lid. To accompany that, I had an old wicker beach bag that contained sketch note books and small canvases. Every summer I would pack it along as we went on summer holiday. My intention was to do some artistic endeavor. (I had visions of being an “artiste”!) Some years I was productive. Other years, not so much. Regardless, I had to have it with me. My brother would get so frustrated with me. “Are you bringing that d*** box again this year?” (Never understood why it bothered him so much, he brought his guitar.) In fact, I had the box up until our boys were young and then I incorporated my craft items with theirs. Now that they are out of the house, I have upgraded to a craft cabinet.

Oil on Canvas. National Gallery of Art, Collection of Mr and Mrs. John Hay Whitney, 1998.74.5 Photo credit: ©National Gallery of Art.

I found an interesting article extolling the virtues of creativity- that creativity is bidirectional with well-being: a person’s well-being was found to promote creativity and creativity is conducive to well-being. Basically, when one is happy and content and feels good, one is in a better position to be creative. Being creative produces feelings of being happy and content.* In some ways, there goes the theory of the miserable and suffering artist.

I’ve been attending a virtual lecture series offered by the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston. It is an in-depth look at Vincent Van Gogh and his portraitures- namely the Roulin family. The Roulin’s (Papa, Mamman, two sons and baby daughter) all sat and were painted by Van Gogh. The time spent with the Roulin’s was during the last years of his life. One of the MFA lectures, the discussion was about Van Gogh’s mental status, physical ailments and his genius. There is lot of speculations about his mental and physical illness (es). One of the comments from the expert was that in looking at VanGogh’s final paintings and comparing the same subjects from earlier works, he does not seem to be painting under mental stress. For him, painting was his saving grace. It made him happy.

I know I shared this before, but I am a big believer that all of us have creativity. Some, maybe more than others but nonetheless, we all are creative beings. Madeleine L’Engle used to say that when we create, we become co-creators with God. I think that is true. God is Creator. We are formed in His image- containing attributes of His. Therefore, we all have a creative side. When we create, we become part of the Divine.

Children create. For them creativity is playing. It helps them figure out the world- drawing a picture of their family, home, pets, what they are experiencing or something from their imaginations. Children sing. They make up tunes and words. Children tell and even act out stories. They write poems or recite nonsense verse. All of their “creation” is beautiful in their own way. Unfortunately, many children have had their creativity stifled by a (well-meaning) parent or teacher who criticized the endeavor for not being stylistically accurate.

As adults, we have the opportunity to be creative, not only in the traditional fine arts but also in the way we live our lives. Some people are creative in the way they garden, arrange flowers, style their clothes or decorate their home. Others in the way they arrange a contract, fill out an excel spread sheet, care for their car, hammer a nail, photo their children, lay a table and present a meal or creatively come up with a solution to a problem.

What about you? What is/was your experience with any creative endeavor(s)? Did you ever have an adult '“criticize” your work as a child? How can you lay that aside and challenge yourself to try again?

The New York Times has a fun little creativity challenge this week: every day do some type of creative activity. Monday- draw doodles. Tuesday- write a poem. Wednesday- daydream. Thursday- do 10% more. Friday- try one new thing. The idea is to help one get unstuck and use some divergent and alternative thinking.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/well/creativity-poetry-writing-prompt.html?smid=url-share&rsrc=deeplink.

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2025/well/creativity-drawing-art.html

Why not try it? I am. After all, we are approaching summer- the time when I need to get out the “craft” box. There is something about summer and the opportunity to try something new. Maybe I will get creative this year.

* https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8305859/

Bloom

The other day as I was walking our dog, I went passed a house that had lawn work done last fall when they had ripped up and removed the lawn, graded it, put in a stone wall and then put down sod.

As I strolled past, I noticed shoots of green- tulips were emerging through the sod. They were randomly placed and didn’t look like they had been planted anytime recently. I tried to recall what the front looked like before the project. I think there were small gardens where the plants were emerging. The tulips either were planted there before the new lawn was put in or a squirrel decided to bury some bulbs when the ground was disturbed and it was only dirt.

Either way, nature always amazes me in its resilience.

Bloom where one is planted they say.

Many people today are having trouble doing just that. There is much upheaval and uncertainty for many. I know folks who feel like those tulips- they used to be in a known area but then bull dozers and rakes removed their comfortable setting and were replaced with something different.

When things have been upended in our lives- loss of job, devastating health diagnosis, loss of a loved one, financial ruin- how do we go forward? Do we continue on and try to do what we are supposed to do? Do we find that which is holding us down is too hard to push away like the sod overtop of the bulbs?

Do we accept what has happened and look for new pathways to explore?

Over Lent, our church offered a Lenten series through the 24/7 Prayer organization (www.prayercourse.org) The website offers a study about unanswered prayer. Over a series of five weeks, we looked at the last few days of Jesus’ life and how Jesus experienced unanswered prayer. One of the examples they give is the kintsugi bowl- a bowl made by Japanese artisans that is intentionally cracked and repaired with gold. It is to represent resilience in the face of adversity and hardships.

When we feel that we are broken beyond repair, God shapes us into something beautiful, mending that which is cracked. But, as the video points out- God doesn’t heal our scars, no more than Jesus’ scars were removed on His resurrection. We bear our scars because God can make something beautiful out of our brokenness. I like to say that God is the ultimate recycle-er/re-purpose-er.

A kintsugi bowl.

One of the speakers for the series has and continues to suffer with epilepsy. It was initially diagnosed after a brain tumor was discovered. She has lived with this debilitating condition for over twenty years. Yet, even as she has prayed for healing, she asks God for strength for each day. Her prayers are more short-lived- focusing on her day-to-day life. As she says, if she waited for complete healing (and she does still pray for that), she would be putting her life on hold.

Talk about blooming where one is planted.

What about you? Do you feel like your life is in pieces? Will you let the Master make something beautiful out of it? Are you willing to be “molded” into something different rather than be in a waiting mode?

Or perhaps you feel more like the tulips- trying to bloom regardless of the conditions?

Maybe our lives should be a little of both- continue blooming where we are until we are moved into a different, albeit better location. Either way, we are encouraged to trust in the One who has our best interest in mind, who loves us unconditionally and will make something beautiful out of our brokenness.

Spring Wonder

Is it spring where you are?

We have had some teaser days but nothing to consistently feel like spring weather even though the calendar officially says it so. But we do see more outdoor activities: more and more folks are out walking or jogging; children are riding bicycles, scooters and skateboards. Every day the daffodils grow a little taller or open a little wider depending upon their sun placement and every time I walk the dog, I’ll see yet another potted tulip placed on someone’s front steps.

It reminds me that we all long to be outside and in nature- in whatever form that might take. We all know or have heard that being out doors is good for our physical, emotional, mental and even spiritual health. I thought it is interesting that even “The American Bar Association, the U.N. Standard Minimum Rules for the Treatment of Prisoners (Nelson Mandela Rules), and the Association for the Prevention of Torture all recommend a minimum of one hour outdoors daily, weather permitting, as part of minimum humane standards for detention and incarceration.” Being outdoors is a criteria of humane standards.

For children, being outdoors and engaging in physical activity are inextricably linked. According to the World Health Organization, children need between one to three hours of outdoor play a day. It can be in the form of smaller increments but the point is that they need to be outside and playing- preferably free form and a non-organized form of play. Organized sports are wonderful but there is something intrinsic and soul-satisfying if one gets to play and explore the natural world unencumbered with any type of agenda. It provides wonder.

Recently the local radio station was speaking to an author, Thor Hanson about his new book, Close to Home. In it, he talks about retraining our senses to reveal hidden natural wonders- many in our own backyards. If we slow down and open our eyes, we will see the beauty and wonder of the world, right at our fingertips.

It made me think about my relationship with being outdoors. I love being outside. Although, when the weather is damp, cold or rainy, I may not be so anxious to be there. Yet, I am really trying to practice the adage, “It’s not bad weather. I am just inappropriately dressed.” and to try and be comfortable by appropriate dress in whatever the climate situation may be. There are some days when I have been holed up in my office that I start to feel just a little bit claustrophobic. I go outside, see the wide expanse of the sky and the sunlight on the water and feel so much better. In a strange and paradoxical way, the vastness of the world around me puts my worries and issues into perspective: I am not the only thing in the world, yet I have the blessing to be part of this beautiful existence.

Still, in the spring, I get anxious for all that I need to do, especially outdoors. Instead of enjoying the gardening and being in awe of new life and creation, I become very dogmatic in having to do certain actions. I forget to slow down and observe.

Year ago, we watched a series called: For the Life of the World: Letters to the Exile. My husband had seen it first through a men’s retreat. There are seven episodes- Exile, Love, Creative Service, Order, Wisdom, Wonder and Church- all to help one gain insight into being in the world but not of it. What always struck my husband was when the men reviewed their time and what were some take-aways and likes, almost all felt that the episode on wonder was so important and what was lacking in their lives.

I can relate.

What about you? Do you have “play dates” in your calendar? What can you do this spring to get outside more? How can you bring more wonder into your life?

What I like about being outdoors is that, if we keep our eyes open, we will see wonder all around us. As Mr. Hanson describes in his book, one doesn’t have to travel very far to see fantastic and interesting things in nature. We just need to get outside and “play”.

Everything I learned in Preschool…

This past week I met a woman who is a preschool teacher at a Montessori school. I used to travel by a Montessori school and always wondered about it. I was curious to know what is their philosophy in teaching. She explained that Montessori is a “method of education based on self-directed activity, hands-on learning and cooperative play.” The school focuses on the individual child and their developmental needs. The curriculum and teaching is established with the whole child in mind- body, mind and the senses. They focus on respect and civility: learning to respect yourself- cleaning up after yourself; respect others- saying “please” and thank-you”; sharing with others; being civil; caring for the mutual environment. The school fosters independence with guidelines and age appropriate decisions. The learning is experiential and encourages the children to discover the answers themselves- to appropriately allow them to experience consequences in the learning process.

On the Montessori website they reference a study that was published in the Frontiers of Psychology. (Of course the study is favorable to a Montessori education.) The study looked at the those who attended a Montessori school or conventional school (ages 18-81) and had them complete a well-being survey. They found strong evidence of elevated psychological well-being among adults who attended Montessori schools as children. In some ways, I am not surprised. Whether one agrees to the Montessori curriculum or not, the idea of respecting others, yourself, your environment, feeling a sense of control in one’s learning and becoming independent through responsibility makes sense. All those ideals help foster healthy and well-adjusted adults.

Makes me wonder what else I could learn…

One of the lessons that they employ is for a student to engage in a cycle of uninterrupted work periods: choose an activity; engage in that activity; clean up from that activity and then select a new task.

There are many days when I need to remember that lesson. I find, especially when I have a lot of tasks to do in a specific (namely short) amount of time, that I am frantically working from one to another and not doing a good job in any one of the activities. Plus, I seem to leave a wake of disruption and sometimes physical debris behind me. This always happens to me during the spring. I have so many tasks I want/need to complete before things get too warm: from a total clean through of the house- top to bottom and all in between- to a cleaning/working of the outdoor gardens and deck which has been “put away” for the winter. I find that I’ll start working in one area. I’ll notice something else and that pulls me to that activity and before I know it, I have begun four different tasks. This year, perhaps I can employ the Montessori method.

What about you? What lessons do you remember from school? What do you wish you had learned? What about kindergarten?

I think of the little tykes in a Montessori school. If only we behaved as they do- saying “Please, Thank-you, Good morning, How are you?”and showing respect to one another? What if we put back the things we used? What if we learned how to share?

I think of the classic book by Robert Fulghum, “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”. He wrote it in 1986 but what he says still rings true. “…no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”

Forty Days

Today is Ash Wednesday. The period of forty days before Easter (not counting the intervening Sundays). Forty is a significant number in the Bible and in the Christian tradition. It is a period of time for reflection, trial, testing, change and preparation. The forty days in Lent are a reminder of the forty days Jesus spent in the wilderness. It is in these forty Lenten days that we reflect, change and prepare for Easter. We strive to become more like Christ- by giving up something (sacrifice) or by taking on a new discipline.

Forty is a significant number in the Bible: forty days and nights of rain during the flood; forty years of wandering in the desert for the disobedient Israelites; forty days on the mountain while Moses received the Ten Commandments; the Philistines taunted the Israelites for forty days before David took on Goliath; it took Elijah forty days of fleeing Queen Jezebel before he heard God’s small voice in the cave; Jesus was with his disciples forty days after he was resurrected and before He ascended to heaven.

Saw this on a friend’s Facebook page. Thought it was appropriate for the times.

There is debate over the meaning of the number- is it literally forty or figuratively- meaning a long time/awhile? Either way, it is a time for Christ’s followers to set apart and think about things, take some action and prepare for the times to come. [Fun fact, the word quarantine comes from the Italian word, quarantina- when ships came from an infected port, the crew were required to remain aboard ship until forty days had passed, assuming that any diseases would have died out by then.]

This year, I hope to lean into Lent and set apart some time for reflection. I am hoping to take on a writing practice (my preferred action for change) for the forty days. Part of that writing practice is to try and see my “neighbors” as Jesus sees them- as created beings who are deeply loved by God, just as they are. That includes even those who are my “enemies”. I am also trying to let go of some things too- preconceived ideas and frustration with those who do not see things as I do. Just like a quarantine, my hope is that by not picking up that which I let go, I can let those practices “die out”.

What about you? Do you have a Lenten practice? What is it? Do you give up anything at Lent? Take on a new practice or action?

Another fun fact- pregnancy is approximately forty weeks. In that time, a woman experiences reflection, trials, change and preparation. The end result is growth and new life. May we, as we reflect, prepare and change through Lent, come into Easter with growth and new life.

Just heard from Guideposts- In God’s Time, will soon be published. Folks can preorder here: https://guideposts.org/shop/product/in-gods-time/. (discount code: AUTHOR15). It is an anthology of 45 stories of transformation and answered prayer. I have the privilege of contributing one of those stories.

Do Something...

In 1943, American psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote a paper, “The Theory of Human Motivation”. The theory is a classification system whereby there is a hierarchy of universal human needs that one needs to have met before acquiring the next. Starting with physiological needs (those needed for survival) the hierarchy continues through developmental stages until self-actualization (raison d’etre for humans). If the basic physiological needs are not met, survival is questionable. If any of the other subsequent needs are not met, one will be stuck at a level and most likely experience stunted emotional growth.

Just recently I was thinking of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In the current climate of our country, there appears to be a collective deficit in our basic needs being met. Are we stuck and stunted?

Many people that I know (myself included) are finding themselves feeling stressed and anxious. For a while I couldn’t understand why my brain was having trouble focusing. Compared to most, things are good in our household and life. Yet, I am finding that my reaction to recent events feels similar to the early months of the Covid-19 pandemic. At that time, I was in a state of shock over the lockdown and the way our daily lives were disrupted. I found myself not wanting to listen to the news, yet drawn to watching whenever I could.

I seem to be in that same mode of operating again. While I know that I should limit my news reading, I find myself looking over and over at online newspaper articles, periodicals and youtube/news segments. And I am in a state of shock. How quickly the world can go from status quo to confusion. Chaos seems to swirl among us and there is a pall of dread over our heads. Our way of life is not stable, our basic needs are in question and for some, safety and security is gone.

There have been multiple studies regarding children and their responses both physical and emotional to living in unstable family situations (due to socio-economics- changes in residences, caregivers, primary parental figures, parental substance abuse) Lacking safety and security, children in these settings are more likely to have physical ailments such as asthma, weakened immune systems; behavioral issues such as aggression; and emotional ones such as stress and anxiety.

I feel as if our nation is like those children: struggling with the first two levels in Maslow’s Hierarchy- physiological and safety and security needs. No wonder most people I know are feeling a sense of helplessness. I am struck by how much instability and insecurity affects behavior and thoughts: that certain situations cause great difficulty to survival.

With Maslow’s theory, it takes an outside force- parents, guardians and caretakers to provide and therefore help move the child along with his/her basic needs.

It seems to me that now, if ever, is an opportunity for each one of us to help one other in assuring that those around us have those basic needs met. As a collective anxious body, we need to look beyond ourselves and see the needs in our community. We can be on the lookout for those who are food insecure or unhoused or who are feeling unsafe.

What about you? How are you feeling in this moment of whiplashed governmental policies? Has it affected you? Your community? What opportunities do you see in your community? For helping those in need?

In the news coverage of President Jimmy Carter’s death, there was reference to his speech, Crisis of Confidence (https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/carter-crisis/.) In it he talks about the individual and how small sacrifices can help the common good of our nation. At the time, the small sacrifices referred to actions related to the energy crisis. But the sentiment is still true: individual’s small sacrifices can add up to a collective larger one.

While we wait for the government to shift and sort out these turbulent decisions, we, the people can do something. We can hold our communities close and do what we can for each other:

  • Purchase food for the local food bank- pick up something each time you go to the store; organize a food drive with your neighbors

  • Check on your neighbors, especially those living alone and who might be fearful

  • Contribute $ to those non-profits that you value

  • Support local journalists

  • Support your local stores, businesses and restaurants

  • Contribute to NGOs, especially the ones that work with religious organizations like World Relief (worldrelief.org)

  • If certain policies or procedures trouble you, send letters to your representative or senator

    Abraham Lincoln in his Gettysburg address said, “that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.” (U.S. President Abraham Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863)

    A friend of ours works for Social Security. She acknowledges that managing the government is unwieldy. Things do move slowly. But, she will ask, do you really want it to go that fast? Should it really be that efficient? At the expense of the people? While the government (like churches) need to be good stewards and managers, do we really want them to be run like a business? Businesses whose bottom line is about profits and for (selected) shareholders. Governments are for all the people.

Just received word that some of my devotionals from the Strength and Grace Guideposts Magazine have been used in a new book collection from them: https://guideposts.org/shop/product/comfort-for-caregivers/

Balancing Act

Together, yet alone.

That could be the slogan to sum up our current existence and interactions in society. We are, in some sense, more together than ever- technology can bring people together from far flung places in our planet. We can connect on any day of the week and at any time of day, yet the feeling of belonging and community is disappearing. Because of technology, one would think that in this period in history we would be the most social civilization ever but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

In the latest The Atlantic Magazine, the cover article “The Anti-Social Century” speaks about the change to the way we interact with one another. There are many reasons but technology seems to be one area that has changed how we interact: The automobile created distant suburban homes, the home television became the evening entertainment and the smart phone became the conduit for solo social interactions.

We are not inclined to join groups or organizations that would give us a sense of belonging. Over the last twenty years, professional organizations, service clubs, social clubs and religious organizations have been declining in membership. Even the percentage of 12th graders going out with their friends two or more times a week has dramatically declined from @ 80% in the 1980s to below 50% in 2020. There is a dramatic sharp decline around the time of the introduction to smart phones.

According to psychiatry.org, in a 2024 poll by the American Psychiatry Association (APA), 30% of respondents say that they feel lonely at least once a week and 10% feel lonely every day. Loneliness is described as “feeling like you do not have meaning or close relationships or a sense of belonging.” According to that poll, when Americans feel lonely, 50% will use a form of distraction like TV, podcasts or social media.

“Clearly we believe technology can be used to connect with others,” said APA CEO and Medical Director Saul Levin, M.D., M.P.A. “In some cases, it seems to be helping us reach people who become part of our inner circles or to communicate with those who already are. However, distracting yourself when you’re feeling lonely with social media might be a double-edged sword: while it can connect, it can also lead to feelings of missing out, and we need to make sure we remain conscious of its effects on our mood. In this tech-heavy world, we should not forget the value of in-person interaction.”

It seems as if our loneliness doesn’t have anything to do with solitude and silence or even “togetherness”. Many times we feel like we do not belong when we are in the middle of much “noise”- in the form of instagram posts, youtube videos, podcasts, or streaming services.

We have all seen those pictures of a social gathering, say around a diner table, and everyone seems to have their head down, engaged in something that is on their phone.

The fact that people are on their screens doesn’t necessarily mean they are alone. Many might be in a group, but no one is interacting- just scrolling, texting or watching individually. While social media has brought people together- reunions of old friends, long lost relatives, individuals with similar health conditions, political leanings, etc. it has mostly been a place where we are together (tethered by technology) but really alone (individual watches and engages).

We have an interesting relationship with solitude. We seem to attribute alone with loneliness but it doesn’t necessarily mean the same. One can be alone but not lonely and one can be in a crowd and very lonely, almost as if the crowd amplifies the feeling of loneliness. Ironically, it is in our alone times that we can process and prepare for our time together. Of course we have those people who are extremely introverted while others are extremely extroverted and then there is the spectrum in between, which is most of us. We need socialization for our psychological, mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health. And we also need solitude for those same reasons.

The following chart looks at the benefits of solitude vs community. As humans, we need both. It appears that there are almost equal benefits to solitude and community. The yin and yang of existence.

I have been more and more interested in what they call Rule of Life. When we last went to Canada we visited a Benedictine Abbey and purchased a book in their gift shop about the Benedictine way of life. There are five practices: prayer, work, study, hospitality, renewal. While monastic life lends itself to more contemplation and solitude, there is a pattern to their days. A balance of solitude and community.

As a Christ follower, I turn to Jesus and how He handled the two seemingly oppositions of solitude and community. There are plenty of stories that Jesus loved a gathering- socializing over food and fellowship but that He also practiced solitude- the need to get away by Himself and engage with God.

Jesus modeled how one can and should be balancing our lives. We need to take time for that renewal through our time alone with God in order to engage in community- to have margin in our lives so that we do not get burned out in either situations- to not to feel lonely and to not feel overwhelmed and overstressed.

But as it is discussed in The Atlantic article, we have to do more than just be together via technology. We need to be face-to-face with our loved ones and family. But we also need to be face-to-face with our neighbors and those people who are familiar to us but not necessarily intimate friends or family. It is in the villages of our lives that we learn empathy, patience, productive disagreements and compromise.

In thinking about the way I spend my days, I realize that I need to put into balance the practice of solitude vs. engaging with others. I need to model my days after Jesus.

A while back I posted about the book, Listening Below the Noise. (August 21, 2024) I must confess that I have yet to practice a day of silence/solitude. I am looking forward to trying it but have yet to plan a day on my calendar. Sadly, I have to schedule it first before it becomes a regular practice.

Due to geographic locations, health, or timing, it is wonderful to have the technology to connect with friends and family. For example, I am grateful for technology to be able to share my thoughts via this blog. Yet, I find myself drawn in to a practice of spending more time with technology than perhaps with real people- checking my phone, looking up meaningless “facts” online (not for any type of knowledge or benefit). While I need solitude, I also need (sometimes have to force myself) into physical community- going out of comfort zone to engage with my neighbors or joining a group. I am learning to engage, listen and enjoy those who live around me.

What about you? How do you balance the two? Do you? How are you with solitude? Being quiet, alone and with your own thoughts? Or do you have to have something in the background? Do you have to look at your phone? How often in a day? Do you interact with others? Face-to-face? Do you belong to any organizations? Do you feel a sense of belonging?

While it is scary to read how fast society is changing, I try to remember that our basic human nature hasn’t changed. We can be together and alone. It is a matter of choice and, as humans, we can control that choice.