Vulnerability

“I believe that every issue we face – whether busyness, failure, shame, transitions – every issue is intended to lead us to God. Our tendency is to let our problems separate us from God and one another – but instead, they can become tools to allow us to deepen our spiritual lives, and to in turn change the world!”

—JANE RUBIETTA

The above quote is from an author whose book I am reading and discussing with friends. This quote spoke to me about how we should be living in community: sharing our issues and struggles with one another and with God. It is the vulnerability that produces growth. Vulnerability is another side of the coin of humility.

I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability. Having moved to a whole new community- new neighbors, new norms, new friends- in the last third of my life, I have had to be proactive in meeting people. It is not that easy for a private more introverted person. I have found the folks whom I have met to be so unpretentious and genuine. Not that where we used to live, were pretentious folks but there was a different feel to the environment. Here people take the time to say hello and to get to know you.

[Although, as I am writing this, I am reminded of a women I’ve met from here. She had moved from Maine to RI when she was younger. Her experience was just the opposite: she felt that the Rhode Islanders were very standoff-ish and unfriendly compared to the Mainers. Go figure.]

I am reminded of the story from Benjamin Franklin. The best way to make friends is to ask another for a “favor”. “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”

It is not so much of the favor per se, but that in the asking, one makes oneself vulnerable. There is humility in asking.

Of course, we cannot go around wearing our hearts on our sleeves. And yet, it is important to share with others, when appropriate, what we are experiencing. Our trials are the foundations that builds communities.

And so I am trying. I remember my dad telling me that I shouldn’t let others know when I was down or out. I took it to mean that I had to show perfection, or at least to not share any problems with others. “Laugh and others will laugh with you. Cry and others will laugh at you,” he said.

Partly that was his generation of the stiff upper lip (although he was the more emotional one of my parents). Partly he was thinking that I would be protected from hurt, either through ridicule, teasing or general meanness.

I have come to the point in my life, that if I am to be bothered by ridicule, teasing or general meanness, it is the price to pay for genuine community and relationships, both with others and with God. I cannot say that I am entirely immune to comments, etc but as one ages, they become less and less bothersome. Or so I hope.

Emotional vulnerability is the glue that holds community together. It is in our sharing with one another that we build up each other. It also benefits ourselves. According to Psychology Today, vulnerability can ease anxiety, strengthen relationships and help one become more self-aware.

That self-awareness brings empathy. That empathy brings understanding. Understanding fosters grace. For if I recognize the hurt, shame, embarrassment, in myself, I am more aware of it in someone else and more likely to be tolerant and loving of the other person.

One of the great divides among people is the thinking that everyone else “has it together”, so that “something must be wrong with me” and the “I am the ONLY one” and therefore alone. Sadly the “perfect reels” of Instagram and Tiktok are deceiving. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most honest communities (like AA or NA) are the ones that fess up about the problems and issues and then move together towards understanding, accountability, improvement and healing.

A great example of community through vulnerability is the priest and author, Henri Nouwen’s story of the Daybreak community. The Daybreak community is a home in Canada for people with and without intellectual disabilities, part of the international L’Arche movement. Nouwen was priest there and lived among the community.

He tells the story of “Adam” and how it took at least a dozen or so individuals to care for Adam throughout the day and night. Adam was by all accounts, a “vegetable”. But this person, this embodiment of total vulnerability drew everyone together. For as Nouwen explained, the individuals were strangers before they cared for Adam. But after being part of Adam’s care team, they were now friends/family. Community was built via the vulnerable. Click here to hear an excerpt of Nouwen talking about Adam.

But more than the above, emotional vulnerability brings us back to God and to being open to God working in our lives. God longs for us to share with Him our fears and failures. To be honest and vulnerable. It is then that we can be open and receptive to what God is doing in our lives and to where God is leading.

Jane Rubietta is right. Once we are open to God and to others, there is nothing that the bonds of community cannot do.

This Is Christmas

Recently we watched This Is Christmas (2022). I was pleasantly surprised that I liked it and found it entertaining. Of course, being a Christmas movie there is a little cheesy-ness in it (I must admit that the promo picture does look a little Hallmark-ish), but it did have a good message. It tells the story of rail commuters to London. They have commuted on this train together for years, yet they do not know each other. One of the passengers decides to invite all to a Christmas party. Once the invitation is offered, all sorts of mishaps, misunderstandings and slight mayhem ensue.

As the main character says, “ A stranger is a friend you haven’t met before.” He wonders why, after all the time spent together on the train commuting, the passengers have never engaged with one another. Another character admonishes him, “Never. Engage on the commute.” That is such a true mantra from anyone who has ever travelled using any type of mass transit- one does not engage on subways, busses, or even elevators. Certainly there are the news stories of incidences, some life threatening even fatal, on subways. I have been on metro cars where some of the passengers have been fractious. It was a little scary. Again, in my mind I was thinking, “Don’t engage. Don’t make eye contact.” So I understand the unwritten rule.

Yet I cannot help but wonder what it would be like if people did engage- even ever so slightly- with those with whom they see every day? If people were engaged, would there be more camaraderie and more looking out for others? Would those who are fractious not even try to act up, knowing that the passengers were a cohesive entity?

Many years ago, my husband rode the local bus to work. It was the same bus, at the same time with the same people each day. Some of them did engage with one another. It made the trip much more pleasant. It created a feeling of community and belonging and of safety. One time when there was a substitute bus driver, it was the passengers who helped her in navigating the route. They made sure that everyone who took the bus was picked up and dropped off at the right stops.

Sadly, this feeling of disengagement seems to be the way that we like to live our lives. Do we really want to know the grocer? Should our doctor, lawyer or accountant be a friend? Or even an acquaintance? What about the butcher, baker and candle stick maker? Of course in the old days, everyone knew who did what in the village and town. In some ways that might’ve been better and in others, it could’ve been disastrous.

Privacy is a tricky thing. Some people are busybodies and gossips. We probably all know of a Mrs. Kravitz on our street and neighborhood- the busybody neighbor from the 1960s show Bewitched. No one wants to be a Mrs. Kravitz nor do we want to have one come around our home.

Once again, everything in life is about balance. Knowing one’s neighbors but not living in each other’s pockets.

What about you? Do you know your neighbors? Do you see strangers as friends you haven’t met yet or as foes to avoid at all costs? Do you engage with people around you? When you are in line at the store? Waiting for an elevator? On the train? Plane? Waiting with strangers during this Christmas time?

Not surprising that there are studies to suggest that engaging with strangers- talking, sharing a moment- is good for our mental health. It stimulates our “feel good” hormones- endorphins. Initially people believed that keeping to one’s self is better, but it turned out that those who engaged with strangers on a commute actually felt better than those who do not.*

I do think if you are open to engaging with another person, you are more likely to be sensitive to know if the other person wants to engage. Especially if you engage another person with the attitude that the other person might have something you need to know. It has been said, “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” What can you learn this season?

Interesting articles: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9407669/ *https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2014-28833-001

The Long and the Short of It

Bentley’s Miscellany. One of the magazines for whom Charles Dickens wrote and was editor. Oliver Twist was serialized in this magazine.

Are you loquacious? One of the first times I met with my husband’s then- 98 year-old grandfather (he lived to be almost 103), he said to me, “Virginia, you are loquacious.” I think he meant it as a compliment but I wasn’t too sure at the time.

Do you ramble with a story or are you like Joe Friday, “Just the facts, ma’am”?

I find it interesting that in reading the NYTimes online, they will print at the beginning of the article, an amount of time it will take to read it. For instance, “5 minute read or 3 minute read”. Apparently many sites will give you the heads up about reading time. As an archived NYTimes post from 2014 states, in the old days, it was the headlines, photos and bylines of the journalists that would cause people to read an article. Now there is the option of how long it might take them.

Whether a piece is wordy or not is not anything new in the world of words and reading. Charles Dickens was a serial magazine writer. He got paid by the word. Hence his books are long and wordy. In some of his work, it might take a page to find the period at the end of a very long run on sentence. That wordiness can be difficult to read and comprehend and can also put one to sleep. When I was a kid, I used to be able to read in the car. At the time, I was reading Great Expectations. In school, we had learned that his work was meant to be read aloud: think of the Victorian family, gathered around in the parlor with papa reading from the latest edition of the magazine. So while on a family car trip, I began reading out loud the novel. Finally my dad, who was driving, said, “Honey, please do not read anymore. You are making me fall asleep.” Whether that was due to the cadence of my reading skills or the wordiness of the story, we will never know.

I heard the novelist Sir Ian Rankin in an interview stating that he likes short stories. He has written a bunch and thinks that perhaps the short story might make a comeback. In his opinion, it is the perfect length to read on a commuter ride, etc. Longer than a tweet or instagram but shorter than a novel or novella.

In some ways, I am not a big fan of the short story, especially if it is a subject that has some weight. I want all the information/words that I can find, whether it is fact or fiction. Yet, there is something of too much of a good thing. Especially in this day and age of the shortened attention span.

The Spokane Press. May 16, 1910.

Of course, there is Hemingway. As a former journalist, he was all about brevity and clarity. Nothing extraneous. His stories are all about the nouns and verbs. Action. Not much in the extra details and descriptions. The story goes that he had a bet with other writers about writing the shortest story (6 words). His words: For sale: baby shoes. never worn, won the bet. While there is a question as to his writing these actual six words (They weren’t attributed to him until 30 years after his death.), he did usher in the notion of flash fiction (called such in the 1990’s). Perhaps he had read the newspaper article in 1910 (see sidebar) and it always stuck with him?

The six-word story is definitely a way of honing one’s skills in telling a tight story. Similar to how haiku tightens poetry. It is a fun exercise to try and do. It is used not only to tell any story but it is also used as a form of memoir.

Larry Smith has gone on to use the six-word story in a way for others to tell their stories. He uses the six-word story in schools and prisons. Places where individual stories are overlooked.

In Larry Smith’s TED talk, (Click here to watch his TED talk) he explains the rationale in using six words to hear someone else’s story. Six words can help some people as they would not know how to begin. As he says, using six words gives a person a “spark- to start the conversation and essence- a way to sum it up”. In engaging with others about their stories, it is then good to use these three words, “tell me more” as a follow-up. He is devoted to the ordinary person and their story because we all have a story. Once we know someone else’s story, we have a better understanding of each other and our community. (Click here to read his website which has lots of ideas regarding the six-word memoir.)

What about you? Have you ever tried the six-word story or memoir? What six words would you use to tell your story?

If you have a six-word story, you can share it on the following website: https://www.sixwordmemoirs.com/community/contests/. Even if you do not share it there, you might want to share with family and friends. Get the ball rolling and perhaps they will share their six-word story/memoir with you. Once started, perhaps they will tell you more. What better way to get to know each other than by sharing the only thing we truly own, our stories.

3 Strands

Now that we are ensconced at our new home, I’ve been wrestling with empty cardboard moving boxes. I’ll empty a couple of boxes a day, but it seems as if the boxes multiply. Once I get the empty ones under control, I’ll look at the broken down discarded boxes ready to be recycled and think, “Oh good. I’m making progress.” Then I return to where we have our stacked full boxes and feel an incredible let-down since there are seemingly just as many filled boxes as before.

Breaking down the boxes so that they can be recycled takes some time. The wardrobe boxes and some of the dish/plate ones are quite thick cardboard and difficult to fold. In time, if they get wet they are a little easier to manage but there is no way I can fold into a compact bundle. They are just too thick.

As I am wrestling to try and fold the cardboard, it makes me think of Ecclesiastes 4: 12, “though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” The multi-layers of cardboard are difficult to maneuver and manipulate.

I remember some type of kids’ science experiment about taking a pencil in hand. You can break one pencil in half. It is not too difficult. But if you have a bundle of pencils and tried to break that bundle in one go it is very difficult. Either the bundle needs to be separated into single sticks or you need something more powerful like a saw.

It makes me think of community. A community that is bound together is difficult to defeat. I am amazed at the sheer courage, resilience and hutzpah of the Ukrainians. They are bound together in a common cause of sovereignty.

I think of the communities formed through the openness and honesty of addiction support groups. The bonds among those in attendance are strong.

We need people around us to keep us together: to support one another when there are situations or problems that can seem to break us, to encourage us when we are despondent, to celebrate with us when we are euphoric and to hold us accountable to a higher standard as we journey along in life. Contrary to some beliefs, we do become better people when we live in community. We are healthier and happier.

Studies have concluded that we can live longer (our mortality rate can be cut in half), can double our chance of recovery from depression and even might help us fight the common cold (4.2 times less likely to succumb) when we have a network of friends. Retired evolutionary psychologist, Dr. Dunbar of Oxford University discovered that the biggest predictor of a primate’s brain size was the magnitude of its social interaction.

While I may lean more to the introverted side, I do recognize my need for friendship and community. The dear ladies of my Tuesday night Bible study encourage me each week. Just their presence encourages me to be a better person. I complete my study because I don’t want to let them down. I hear how they live their lives and learn how to adapt some of their principles, strategies and actions to similar situations that I may face. By the sharing of their experiences, I am blessed.

When I think of them, I think of the accountability created by seeing them. Not so much as a scare tactic or negative peer pressure, but more of accountability partners: we are called to encourage one another to become more and more like Christ- to improve the way we live and respond on this life journey.

In the age of “unfriending” it is easy to dismiss a friend because of a difference of opinion. But when we hang on together, even through disagreements, we can be rewarded with longevity in our friendships. How blessed are we when we have life-long friends- people who have seen us “when”, who don’t judge (since we have seen them “when”) and still love us.

What about you? Are you in community? Are they your friends? Do you have a multi-strand bundle of folks who keep you whole?

I think that the lessons learned in being a friend can help society in learning to be a community. For what is a community but a collection of people brought together- whether that is from ideology, geography, ethnicity, interests, beliefs. As all psychology has discovered, our relationships begin at home and venture out like ripples in a pond. I think when we develop friendships and stick with them, we learn that others can enrich our lives. So too, when we reach out beyond the individual friendships and develop bonds with those in our community our lives are enriched.

You are Someone's Destiny

“…unexpected people can find things that have always been in front of us but once they show them to us, they change the way we look at the world around us forever.”

Tom Mustill.

I heard the following quote during an interview with biologist-turned-nature-documentarian, Tom Mustill on NPR’s The Pulse. * He was telling the story of the Dutch tradesman Antony van Leeuwenhoek (1632-1723) who, though he had no fortune or university training, discovered bacteria and discovered the world of microbiology. The resources van Leeuwenhoek did have were curiosity and the desire to tell others of what he found: “. . . my work, which I've done for a long time, was not pursued in order to gain the praise I now enjoy, but chiefly from a craving after knowledge, which I notice resides in me more than in most other men. And therewithal, whenever I found out anything remarkable, I have thought it my duty to put down my discovery on paper, so that all ingenious people might be informed thereof.” Antony van Leeuwenhoek. Letter of June 12, 1716.*

Knowing that there were living organisms in pond water, changed the definition of what was life and how life originated (no longer did small organisms, like fleas just spontaneously spring forth). I think of how microbiology changed the course of water management, diseases, disease management and even today’s understanding of DNA and nanotechnology.

I have thought about how true the quote is, both in global ways but also in our regular, ordinary ways- How those around us can inadvertently change our views. In our family of origin, we first view the world through the lens of our parents and immediate family. It is as we become our own person, that we experience or hear others’ thoughts: neighbors, teachers, peers, co-workers. Their testimony to what they know shapes and challenges our understanding. I think of a dear tennis friend who, in our discussions of race, helped me come to a more open understanding of the way I see the world. (While I think no one is ordinary), my friend, an ordinary person, has changed my outlook. As with all ideas, once expressed and latched onto, it is hard to reverse one’s thoughts to a time before knowing.

At Sunday’s church service, the sermon was entitled, “You are Someone’s Destiny”. The thought that we do have influence over other people, certainly by what we say and do. Unless you live on a deserted island with no one around, we live in community. Even if we live alone, we are rubbing shoulders with someone- the delivery person, the cashier, or the telephone tech support person. While some might have a larger community base than others, we still interact with people. That interaction, whether we recognize it or not influences our thoughts.

In the introduction of a journal article for the American Psychological Society, Brain Basis of Human Social Interaction, the researchers note: “In the African Bantu language, the word ubuntu means that a person becomes a person only through other people (interview of Desmond Tutu, New Scientist, April 2006). Neuroscientists do agree: humans and their brains and minds are shaped, and normally function, in continuous interaction with other people.” *

In the Christian tradition- we are called to be someone’s destiny through our testimony- telling how God has worked in our lives- how we lived and thought before we were conscious of God and how He is currently working: namely, that with God our lives have been changed for the better. Without God our lives are dead- stagnate, no change, heading on a course of self-destruction. Of course, the rub has been the definition of “for the better” because just because one has had one’s life changed with God, doesn’t mean life is now without problems or struggles. In fact, there might be even more so. The difference is that the one who trusts in God and His control over one’s life, does have a different way of viewing and reacting to that struggle. Most times, it is in the telling of that struggle that helps the listener view the world and our response. Many times remembering the past and God’s intervention, helps, blesses and changes the way we see the present and the future.

What about you? Has anyone influenced you through his/her story? Have you ever been exposed to new ideas? What were they? How did that (or did it) impact you and your future?

It is in the sharing of our lives and our stories that can impact how another person will react or behave in a likewise situation: their lives and subsequent response to life’s journey may be changed forever.

Read/listen to the following articles: *https://www.npr.org/podcasts/381443461/the-pulse *https://ucmp.berkeley.edu/history/leeuwenhoek.html [Having re-read the quote by Leeuwenhoek, it does strike me that, either he was a very humble but self-assured man or he was insufferable- one big know-it-all and had to tell everyone about it!]. *https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/physrev.00041.2007

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News:

While I cannot say that I am completely back from our move (still have many projects yet ahead), I am planning to return to some type of schedule. On that note, I will be returning to Wednesdays at the Well- posting the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays of the month. Please sign up to receive notification in your email or try to remember to check-in @ www.wellofencouragement.com.

Guideposts 2023 All God’s Creatures Devotionals are now on sale. I have been honored to have 8 devotionals included this year. https://www.shopguideposts.org/all-gods-creatures-daily-devotions-2023.html?utm_campaign=&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_term=.

Guideposts is also coming out with some new thematic books of which some of my stories have been included. Will keep you posted when they are published.

Gift Giving

What type of gifts have you received from your friends? Not tangible or monetary gifts, but rather any skills? Or philosophies? Or guidance on how to live life?

Our dear friend died over the weekend. (see blog posting for November 17, 2021) He is now in his eternal home. In thinking about him, I cannot help but think of the “life philosophy” gift that defined him and that he has given to others: building community. I know that I have learned about the importance of drawing people together from having observed him and how he responded to people.

He knew how to connect people because he discovered their commonalities- whether it was through their beach neighborhood, a shared interest such as baseball or those who liked to sing. As I previously wrote, he was a great listener. He would ask questions and be open to whatever anyone told him. He knew much about many people and would use that information to connect individuals through their common interests. One of his frequent comments as he was listening and engaging in conversation was “interesting”. He was curious and said it not in any facetious way. No judgement. No opinion or advice given. Just the fact that he thought what the speaker said was interesting as he was learning more about a new friend or acquaintance. He provided a safe space where individuals could connect, share, feel loved and in turn, they could connect, share and love others.

I think of another friend who is the most thoughtful individual I have ever encountered. She anticipates your needs before you even think you have needs. She is so creative in her thoughtfulness because she immerses herself into what you are experiencing. Her empathy is truly God-given. I look at others and their needs totally differently because of my observations of her. When I find myself in a situation where I want to help another person, I think of my friend and how she would approach the issue: what would be the best way to love that individual in their current situation?

Many years ago, an extroverted co-worker showed me how to break out of my introverted ways: observing her with her “get more flies with honey” attitude even the most irascible clients were tamed. I saw that I needed to learn how to not take things so seriously, to smile more and to take the time with “niceties” with people. Sometimes we have to suffer fools gladly in order to get beyond the superficial and discover a person’s true potential and worth.

When God created man, He said that it was not good for man to be alone and so He created a helper- woman. I think one of the reasons God did so was to create community: to create a society where we need one another because not one individual is totally whole and complete. It is in the observation and living with others that we bump up against how each one thinks, responds and acts. Hopefully in that “bumping”, our life experiences and observations rub off on one another. The God-created talents and gifts in you, help me as I go along in my journey and hopefully the God-created talents and gifts in me, will aid you. Needing one another keeps us humble and open- since I do not know or have it all, I can humbly ask of you what you know or have. I can be open to your experiences and knowledge.

What about you? What have you observed in your friends and acquaintances? Have their life experiences changed you in any way? How so?

For all three of my friends, I have been changed by coming in contact with them and the way they live their lives. I think one of the gifts they have given me is demonstrating how to be open to others through listening, learning and loving well.

Mental Health Month

You are amazing. You are unique. You are brave. You are strong. You are loved.

Such were the sayings on the signs around the grounds of the psychiatric hospital as I biked through to get to the adjacent hospital and my doctor’s office for my annual check-up. It made me think of how universal the feeling of being loved, in essence, belonging is to us as humans. On one hand we want to be exclusive. Unique. Original. One of a kind. Yet, on the other hand we want the inclusion of being part of a tribe. To be like everyone else- part of a group. To belong. To be loved.

What I have found interesting as I age- it does not matter the age of an individual and this sense of belonging/not belonging. I know young children who are very comfortable with who they are and where they belong. I also know elderly people, who until they take their dying breath still feel inadequate and an outsider- even within their own family.

This month is mental health month. Mental health has always been important but it seems as if we are recognizing the importance more than ever as we all have been through the mental challenges of a pandemic: isolation, disruption of lifestyle, the economy, personal plans, and societal norms. While each person has experienced the pandemic in their individual way, we (humankind) have all had a similar experience.

There seems to be more awareness of recognizing that this past year has been tough on all of us and naming the emotions/feelings that we experienced. For many, dealing with the situational changes that stemmed from the pandemic, we were not equipped with tools in our toolbox. Perhaps we learned that we held our schedules, our loved ones, our very lives, too tightly. Maybe we recognized that we are anxious and angry for no apparent reason. Perhaps the pandemic awakened in us the need for self-care but were ineffective in implementing it.

The organization, Mental Health America has all sorts of tools and resources at their website: https://mhanational.org/mental-health-month You can download the entire toolkit or the bits that you find appropriate. There are practical ideas on all sorts of emotions and feelings. In addition there are worksheets for processing trauma and stress, managing frustration and anger, practicing radical acceptance, dealing with the worst-case scenario, dealing with change, prioritizing self-care.

I think that God gives us these tools, whether it is through medical awareness or the sciences to guide us in our life journey. Most times we do not have the tools handed to us but we need to find them through others and through their experience.

Once again, the introvert in me needs to recognize that God has called us into community. We need each other-whether that is to share information and resources, bear one another’s burdens or to give and/or receive help in our (collective) time of need. We are not alone even though we may feel alone at times.

The paradox of God is that we are both- alone yet part of a greater collective; similar in our humanity yet individually unique; weak yet stronger than we think; ordinary in our daily existence yet extraordinary to God- down to His knowledge of the very hairs on our head. After all, for anyone who has “created” something- you remember and care about every essence of that creation. So too, does God remember, care, know and love every essence of our being.

What about you? How has your mental health been this past year? Do you need to gather new tools for your life’s toolbox? What emotions have you experienced? Do they have a name? Have you ever said affirmations to yourself? What were (are) they?

The thing about the positive affirmations that I read at the mental hospital and that Mental Health America describes: They are the exact affirmations God is saying to His children every day.

Blessing of Kindness

The power of kindness can go a long way. Yet it seems as if our society gravitates towards the path of unkindness : cruel words, destructive behavior, disregard of others and harmful actions. While I am sure we can chalk it up to original sin, after a while we cannot keep abdicating our duties as human beings with that excuse. Science has shown that kindness is good for our health. When one is kind, it releases oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter. It produces the “feel good” sensation. Kindness elevates oxytocin levels. The increased levels decreases stress and anxiety and can help build trust and overall psychological stability. We are wired to care for one another, help one another, and to live together in harmony. While our nature might be to harm and pull apart, we were originally made to be together.

What does kindness mean to you? Can you define it? In some ways, it is one of those words/concepts that is defined by examples and expressions: milk of human kindness; kindness of strangers; random acts of kindness; out of the kindness of one’s heart; to kill one with kindness. While we may not be able to define it we can state like Justice Potter’s Stewarts infamous quote, “I know it when I see it.”

According to dictionary.cambridge.org, kindness means: the quality of being generous, helpful, and caring about other people, or an act showing this quality. Kindness synonyms are affection, gentleness, tenderness, goodwill, or concern. Being considerate implies being kind and thoughtful. In the Christian tradition it is considered a fruit of the Spirit- meaning that it is a by-product and example of God/Holy Spirit working in one’s life. While God has made us in His image (male/female) and therefore we have kindness in our DNA, our broken world has prevented us from exhibiting kindness all the time. We need God’s help.

I was struck with the image a dear friend sent to me: Yo-Yo Ma playing his cello during his fifteen-minute post-vaccine wait. While other people might bring a book or magazine while they wait, he brought his cello. What a generous and kind thing to do- providing some comfort and uplifting music and turning a mundane, potentially anxiety producing experience to one of calm and peace. Beautiful music can uplift the hearers to a different mental state. Mr. Ma didn’t have to do that. He could’ve just waited quietly, reading a book or checking his phone. He could’ve been in his own private, isolated zone and no one would’ve thought poorly of him. Yet, he chose to be generous with his talents and to share them with others.

Kindness is contagious. When we hear, see or witness others’ kind treatment of people, we can be inspired to continue that train of thought and action. No wonder we all smile and feel good when we encounter kindness. All those feel good hormones being released. In honor of kindness and gifts- I offer you the following words that I find inspiring:

Kindness is selfless, compassionate, and merciful; its greatest power revealed in practice to our enemies and amongst the least of these. Love your neighbor; show kindness to EVERYONE. —— www.geneva.com

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. —-Audrey Hepburn

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. —-Lao Tzu

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. ` ——Ralph Waldo Emerson

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. —-Aesop

What about you? Have you witnessed kindness recently? What was it? Did you receive it? Did you offer it to someone else? How can you add a little kindness into your life? Into the lives of family, friends, neighbors or strangers? How can you use a talent or gift to bless others today?

• Find out more on how to practice kindness: www.randomactsofkindness.org

Historical Moments

Where were you when the storming of the Capitol took place? Heard about George Floyd? 9/11 attacks? Persian Gulf war began? Challenger disaster? Nixon resigned? Reagan, MLK, RFK, JFK shot? Or any other seared-in-your-memory events?

Last week the newscasters and journalists kept using the expression, “A week for the history books.”

That expression made me think about events that people can recall exactly where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. The events might be national or global but they could also be familiar.

What were the circumstances for your individual stories? When you received the phone call about…? Heard about a family or friend event? I will always remember exactly where I was, how the sky looked and the feeling in my chest when I received the phone call that my mother had died.

Stressful information can lock specifics into our brains.

According to Psychology Today, “The hippocampus, the brain region responsible for forming new memories, is particularly sensitive to cortisol. When released after an emotionally charged experience, cortisol can sear memories into our brain; it tells our brain the message was important, something that moved us enough to get excited, like the vivid recall of your whereabouts when you first heard about the September 11 tragedy.”

Hopefully we do not have high cortisol and emotionally charged experiences on a daily basis. We may be going through seasons like that, but I suspect that for most of our lives we live in “quiet desperation” as Thoreau stated. Ordinary hours which turn into days which turn into months which turn into ordinary years. Sometimes it is hard to recall exact situations or experiences.

It is in the ordinary details of life that I want to remember. I want to remember the shy, corner raised, slight smile of our son’s when he is sharing a dry witty comment, or the mirrored reaction on my husband’s and other son’s face when they share the same, tickled-a-rib anecdote.

Other days, not so much. On those days I am hoping to just move through and onto something else. Ironically it is the stressful experiences which are the ones I want to slide through. Yet, it appears that they are more of the ones that are seared into my memory and impact my behavior.

I think of those stressed induced ones that have shaped our future: no more greeting a loved one as soon as she steps off the tarmac, no more greeting others with a handshake or hug, no more freely walking into government or public buildings without the purse/bag/metal detector search.

One thing that last week has brought to the forefront- anything is possible and can happen in our world. After 2020 we should realize that we should never take any thing, any time, any person for granted- good or otherwise.

But, how should we live our lives? We cannot give up and hide. We cannot remain isolated (Covid-wise, more emotionally than physically) in the hopes that these high cortisol experiences won’t affect us. Stress is a given in our lives- both “good”- eustress and “bad”- distress. We cannot avoid stress. Just like we cannot avoid being in community and connecting to one another.

In Deuteronomy 30: 19, the Hebrew ancient writes, “I call heaven and earth to witness you today: I have put before you life and death, blessing and curse — therefore choose life!” According to Rabbi Kukla, “This phrase is a classic example of a “merism,” a figure of speech that is used frequently in the Bible, where two parts or elements are used to denote the whole.” Not necessarily that it is an either/or but rather every choice we make between birth and death matters. It doesn’t matter if the choices are large or small. Every choice between birth and death impacts the life between birth and death. Same thing with stress- not necessarily an either/or to avoid one or the other but to deal with the stress as it comes.

Martin Luther King, Jr said, “We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny.” We are caught up with each other- whether it is through our mundane existence and our individual choices or our cortisol producing, global historical moments.

In the 2013 American Journal of Public Health article, “Giving to Others and Association Between Stress and Mortality”, the researchers concluded, “In effect, this finding suggests that, among individuals who do not help others, exposure to a stressful life event is associated with 30% increased mortality risk.*

Basically, because stress happens to all of us, if we think that we can go it alone and just hide from life we are at an increased risk of dying early. Our destiny is tied up with one another and with helping one another.

Our destiny is also tied up with stressors and reactions to stressors. Some things we will remember. Some things we will not. There are many other discussions we can have about the stressors in our lives, but for today, in this historical week, it seems as if we need to remember that we are ALL in this together. We NEED each other and we need to HELP one another.

What about you? What are some historical moments that you recall? Were they stress-producing for you? What did you do about it?

When stressful times occur, it is best to remember that ALL NEED HELP and that our posture in handling the stress, is to see where we can help. Help can come in many forms: listening, praying, providing a meal, having a civil discussion with someone who has a different (political, social or religious) point of view, wearing a mask, smiling and saying hello to a stranger. It may be on a large scale or just in the acknowledgement that we are in this historical moment together.

And wouldn’t it be a week for the history books if we all got along because we all were helping each other and had forgotten about our own personal stressors (read, agendas). That would certainly be a memory seared into our collective brains.

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*https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3780662/

Faith Shields

The Roman Testudo (tortoise formation)

But you, O Lord are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.

I cried aloud to the Lord, and He answered me from his holy hill.

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me.

Psalm 3

Are you like me? Wondering where this year has gone? In looking back over the things that have happened, I have no point of reference. Was it in April or September that such and such happened? This year has been memorable yet specific dates of incidences are hard to recall. In speaking with others, I hear the same thing- on one hand we are churning over so much in our heads and feeling very agitated, yet we can not release that pent up energy and in fact may feel sluggish. While we have lots of worries about life, the world, and our own personal situations, every day seems to melt into the next without any real change or activity. Sometimes I feel like the psalmist- while I do not have physical enemies around me, I feel that the emotional and spiritual ones are just as dangerous. I can get myself mentally mixed up- annoyed at my lack of motivation or lack of using my time wisely and having no focus or drive. I’ll continue my mental flagellation and start thinking that I am spending time and mental energy on the most mundane things while real issues are happening around me and work myself up into a royal mess. I feel like I am fiddling around while life is burning around me. I find that I am having trouble sleeping. And still, most of the worries and concerns are things that are totally out of my control.

In past blogs I have talked about turning worries into prayers and while I still recommend that practice, I would like to offer up an additional visual: God’s shield of faith protecting and surrounding us when the arrows of self-doubt, despair, or constant worry keep flinging into our beings.

In our Bible study this past week, we talked about a passage in the Bible that describes the metaphorical armor of God as outlined in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. (Ephesians 6: 10-20) One piece of armor that Paul describes is the shield of faith. Having faith defends us from the arrows of doubt that pierce into our souls: doubt about ourselves, the people around us, the world and God’s place in the world. I think David in Psalm 3 was describing that as well. When we have faith, it surrounds us with protection from the naysayers and the mental troublemakers in this world (even perhaps our own nay-saying).

But what was pointed out in our Bible study, we have to pick up the shield. We have to hold it. We have to claim and actually have the faith.

God’s protection with faith is not a force field, it requires some active participation of us. One of the most amazing things about God is that our faith doesn’t have to be huge. We don’t have to proceed through a series of tasks, each getting more difficult before we are rewarded with faith. We just have to believe. Just have faith. Even if we don’t have that much, we can declare like the father who asked Jesus to heal his son, “I believe; help my unbelief”. We can have the faith of a mustard seed. In the ancient world the mustard tree grew quite large but it started out as a tiny pencil point of a seed. The seed image reminds us that our faith can grow. How we start out is not how we will end. We just have to be willing to start, to pick up that shield and to hold fast and believe even as we wonder and question our unbelief.

There are times when I feel that I am holding on to the shield with all my might and other times just loosely holding it. But I do try and pick it up. While I do not understand God- certainly His ways are not my own- I trust and have faith that He is in charge, that things will work out for His purpose, good and glory and that I am privileged to be part of that plan (not designing the plan). While I still get agitated at times and wonder about this world, I can do something about it- pray and trust the shield.

One problem with the pandemic and the imposed isolation is that we are too much in our heads. Sure, we may be interacting with others through virtual meetings, social media and distanced outside venues yet I surmise that many of us spend time just by ourselves or with a very small group of people in our “pod”. While the introvert in me is quite fine with that arrangement, I do recognize that when we are too much in our thoughts there is the tendency to miss perspective and miss truth and to start doubting. We become vulnerable to the slings and arrows of our own mental poison.

The shield was invented by the Greeks to prevent harm from arrows and rocks. At the time that the Paul used a shield as a description, it most likely referred to the classic Roman shield. The interesting thing about the Roman shield was that while it protected an individual, by standing in formation and holding shields above and around the group, all would be protected. With our pandemic isolation I think we may need to reinstate the Roman testudo formation for our own and societal’s mental battles. Yes, we, individually need the shield of faith but I think only through the communal shields of faith can we protect our minds from the onslaught of false information about ourselves and others. We need to commune, to discuss, to even argue over ideas and thoughts in order to defuse the arrows of ignorance and mistrust.

What about you? How’s your mental, emotional, and physical state? Are you both agitated and paralyzed at the same time? How is your faith lately? Small? Large? Non-existence? Has recent events doubted your belief in others? In government? In God? Do you need a shield of faith? Have you ever picked one up? What was that like for you? Do you need the support of others’ shields?

What is encouraging about Psalm 3 is David’s honesty. While things are difficult for him and that he recognizes he is in real danger by picking up the shield of faith, he knows that God’s glory is seen and that God has sustained him. He can endure this difficulty through his faith in the One who hears and cares for him. Even with the trials and tribulations, David gets a good night’s sleep!

So too, we can be encouraged during this time of extreme difficulty that we need to pick up the shield of faith. We might be holding our faith loosely but we are holding it. We might be wondering if this faith thing is worthwhile, but we are willing to give it a go. We might have to continually remind ourselves to let go of our doubts, our worries and our concerns and let our faith in the One who hears us, handle the situation. We might have to reach out to others and join together in sharing our worries, concerns and faith. We might even get a good night’s sleep too!

Closet of Undone Things

In the 1964 television Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer there is an island of misfit toys. Perhaps you remember? The Jack-in-the-Box named Charlie, the train with square wheels, a boat that doesn’t stay afloat or the elephant with polka dots. Potential gifts that weren’t quite right.

It occurred to me the other day that I have my own personal island of misfit toys. Not toys per se but projects unfinished and wants unfulfilled. In essence my closet of undone things:

• Cataloguing and reorganizing all the digital photos on my phone and the computer. Do I really need four photos of the same mistakenly snapped picture of our son’s ninth grade soccer game? No one knows who the boys are, not even which one is our son. Or the numerous pictures of plants and flower that caught my eye. At the time I thought they were National Geographic- worthy. In retrospect, not so much.

• Sorting through the remaining boxes of our parents’ mementoes. Pictures, clippings that have no category yet I cannot part with them. Yet or perhaps ever. Part of the collection contains our parents’ parents’ mementoes that they too could not decide with what to do.

• Creating a scrapbook for each of the boys, containing pictures, awards, mementoes of their lives. I have had this project on my “list” since they were born. Over two decades long.

• Sorting out my craft/project box. Will I ever make new candles using the melted stubs of old ones? Will I ever learn to knit? How about the unfinished needle work projects? When we had to sort out my mother’s things, she too had unfinished projects. In fact, some of mine are inherited from hers.

I think of the list of subjects I would like to learn and conquer: speaking a foreign language (Heck, I wish I could just master English but French, Italian, Spanish, Latin, Greek would be mighty nice.); learning calligraphy; mastering carpentry skills; knowing botanical names of plants; tailoring clothes; cooking bouillabaisse like we had in Bar Harbor- to name a few. Or the dreams that may never come to fruition- learning to ride a horse in order to participate in a steeplechase, living for a time in various cities (e.g. Boston, New York, Paris) or small villages (in England/Scotland/Provence), walking The Way (Camino de Santiago), participating in the Marine Corps Marathon.

These unfinished items may or may not ever get completed. Some of my ideas and plans cannot happen without the aid of family, friends or “experts”. I cannot do them on my own.

I am also aware that there will be always be undone things in this world and ongoing issues. Call it the human condition. One of the frustrations in working in a hospital or any 24/7 operation is that by design, there will always be something more that needs to be done. For people who like to complete their to-do list, it is a challenge. While some things can be checked off, there are others that have to be handed off to the next shift.

That is especially true when caring for another, whether physically, emotionally, or spiritually: it is an ongoing and unending operation. No one person can or should shoulder that burden alone or feel that she is finishing everything up in a neat little bow. It is a Sisyphus-type endeavor to think that life presents finished or completed work. Not with people. Not with life’s problems.

What is to be done? Not tackle the issues? Leave the closet door of undone things closed? Leave the misfits on the island?

If we finish all our projects, conquer all our challenges, and tie up all our loose ends, where does that leave us?

I think we would be loaded with pride and lacking humility. I think we need the closet of undone things to remind us that we are not complete ourselves and that we need God and each other to fill in those gaps.I think that is why God made us part of a community. To realize that all have a place in God’s kingdom and we all have a purpose.

In the story about Rudolph, the misfit toys do find homes. They are not repaired or changed in any way in their form or being. They fit in, just as they are. They help Rudolph and friends and in turn find purpose and love in their lives.

What about you? Do you have a closet of unfinished items? Literally? Figuratively? Can you complete those items on your own? Do you need the assistance of someone else? Is it a project that is best left for someone else?

My closet of unfinished items reminds me that there is always an unfinished item. And that is okay. Sure, it is good to have a project and a goal in mind. But if we are people who are always open to new things: to learning, to experiencing life, to helping, to sharing, and to caring we may get side tracked from our initial intention. Life with others is a disruption but it is also a joy. Because as is the case with the hospital working- we need each other to shoulder burdens, to bear the weight and responsibility of life, and to collectively pick up the cause, the project, and the moving towards healing, wholeness and community.

Come Together * (or at least 6 feet apart)

March has been an incredible, life-altering month for us as Americans and as a world. Our generation is experiencing depravation, isolation, and fear that we haven’t experienced or collectively experienced in a long time. We see people squandering and hoarding resources yet we also see people carrying on in the bravest of ways.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

It makes my heart sing when I see people behaving in the best of times mode. These are the “helpers” as Mr. Rogers would say. When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are willing to help.

Look for the helpers.

I keep hearing about small acts of kindnesses and help. In our beach town, there is a group of children who will ride their bikes to the store to pick up much needed items for their self-quarantined shut-in neighbors. One of the moms rides with them.

I heard of a similar type of helping of apartment building neighbors near New Rochelle, NY. Many of the elderly neighbors do not have access to the internet and so cannot order groceries online. They leave a list out for their neighbors and others in the building will pick up what is needed.

On the social media neighborhood accounts, there are numerous offers to help others, reminders of people to look out for others, sharing resources and information and even specific inquiries about the whereabouts of “resident” homeless persons.

While this pandemic is currently devastating and will continue to be ( for we do not even know what life will look like in the weeks, months and even years ahead), there has been some surprising societal side-effects:

I have heard from many friends and neighbors that they are surprised that the stay-at-home edict is seen as a welcome. They are welcoming this slower paced lifestyle. Many have said that they have gone from an almost difficult to read, packed with writing, full calendar to one with scratched out and blank, empty spaces in the blink of a news conference. I know that my husband and I are wondering about our time management or lack thereof. Our Jan, Feb, March monthly calendar blocks were almost solidly black with written- in appointments, meetings, and deadlines. Our April calendar looks like it came out of the wrapper- the only entries are the factory printed ones: Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Passover, Easter, National Arbor Day.

There has been time to do the “rainy day projects”- renamed “pandemic projects.” Many folks are finally getting to the clean out and clean up of clutter. They are sprucing up gardens and yards. They are prioritizing the material things in their homes.

I have heard of others who have decided to daily contact someone from their community (apartment building, condo, neighborhood, extended circle of friends) to see how they are doing and to offer a little chat. For me, it is reminiscent of my great-Aunt who, in her nineties and being primarily home-bound, took it upon herself to call the “shut-ins” from her church to check in with them, offer a kind word and listening ear and to pray for them. How fortunate we are to have many forms of technology that we can do so.

There is a greater appreciation of being in one another’s physical presence and the longing for touch. Even the introverts seem to agree that there is a missed sense of belonging when one cannot physically gather.

This might be the time to resurrect the snail mail. When one cannot touch a person, there is something to be said for a hand-written letter- knowing that the person who wrote the note physically touched the paper, etc. While video chats are great, letters can be reread and held- a paper chain of touch.

It is wonderful to see families walking, jogging or bicycling together. I realize the novelty of all being home 24/7 may wear out in another week or so, but I wonder if families will settle into a different and new pattern of appreciation of being together? I have a neighbor who thinks divorce rates will increase after this settles down, but I wonder if some marriages will be strengthened instead- maybe without all the extraneous distractions, people will remember why they fell in love with their spouse in the first place.

I have noticed that when I have gone to the grocery store there is not the frenetic atmosphere that usually persists. People are still scrambling to get provisions, but it is almost as if everyone has finally recognized that this is for the long haul and no store is going to have the same stock as pre-pandemic stock. While there is a prevailing hush and people are mindful on one another- social distancing, there are conversations occurring down the aisles. I have heard people catching up with each other about the status of family and friends. I have also seen and heard shoppers be very appreciative to the grocery workers, saying a thank you, morning pleasantry or just looking them in the eye and recognizing them- perhaps for the first time. Of course, in moving through the store, some shoppers will smile at each other while others are head down as if the contagion is spread through the glimpse of an iris.

It sure is sad that it takes something of this magnitude for us to realize that we do need one another and that our survival depends on one another.

What about you? What have you noticed about the people around you? Have you seen any helpers? What creative ways have you seen others coming together - with the appropriate social distance?

One thing I thought we could do as an encouraging community is to offer an encouraging word or picture each day- something on which we can meditate, think, ponder, focus. Something that might take our minds off of the current situation at least for the moment, I will (try) post everyday for the month of April. Just a short snippet of inspiration (hopefully) which we will title: Words and Pictures. [If you haven’t seen the film by the same name- free with ads on Youtube. An okay film (after more weeks sequestered it might seem like a masterpiece) depicting 2 teachers- one Art and one English and a competition between the two with students deciding if painting or literature is the best.]

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* Come Together. “Bum bum, dodadoo. do. Bum bum. dodadoo. do” (Best attempt to write out the sound of the base line to the beginning of the song.) During my stay-at-home, I have been spring cleaning to Paul McCartney radio on Pandora. The Beatles song, Come Together has been circulating in my head.

Connection and Community Part 3

While we may know that we need connection and community, how do we do it? Like so much of life it is a question of balance. We can (and should) embrace the new and incorporate those gadgets, ideas and technology that improve our lives but also maintain the old that work for our particular lifestyle.

Yet somehow we become too enamored with the new and shiny and forget the basics that define us as humans: connection with ourselves (and God) and connection through community. For all the fancy technologies, we still need some time-tested practices. Practices that can be done without any gadgetry. We need time alone and we need time with others.

In a recent Innovation Hub broadcast, I was interested in hearing about a new book/study, “Bored, Lonely, Angry and Stupid: Changing Feelings about Technology, From the Telegraph to Twitter.” The premise of the authors Susan Matt and Luke Fernandez is that

Solitude used to be regarded as a way to connect to the divine, not a sign of being a social outcast, according to Matt and Fernandez. So what caused the change? They argue that as our ability to communicate improved - with inventions like the telegraph, television and social media - we’ve felt increasingly compelled to be surrounded by stimulation, which often causes us to feel even lonelier.

As the role of religion has waned in the lives of many Americans, and the influence of tech has grown, we’ve come to believe that our own power is vast (rather than small and meek, as preachers once argued). Fernandez and Matt say that this has led us to overestimate our abilities; for example, we think we can do everything at once (which, according to the research, is a myth), be connected all the time, and have hundreds of friends. Matt and Fernandez believe that these unrealistic expectations feed into our feelings of loneliness and boredom.

The industrial revolution led to the development of repetitive jobs, particularly with the advent of the assembly line. Matt and Fernandez argue that, around this time, people’s tolerance for boredom plummeted, leading to a greater demand for entertainment. In today’s world, with nearly limitless content to consume, they say that this demand has created an oversupply of instant gratification, potentially impacting our ability to focus and make long-term decisions.

I liked the reference of solitude and divine connection. In the classic definition of spiritual disciplines, solitude is a discipline. It is a practice that doesn’t come naturally to us. It is learning to be still and “know that I am God”. The mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote, “I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, in that they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.” While solitude can be silent it doesn’t need to be. The biggest prevention is to intentionally do it: plan a couple of hours to be by yourself (sans electronic gizmos), take a walk, read, pray, sing,

While I love sharing my favorite outdoor places with others, being alone on a beach is a refreshing head-clearing experience. So too is sitting next to a stream or on a park bench. In those solitude moments I usually have my journal beside me, sometimes a Bible and write out whatever comes to mind.

Connecting with others in true community might take as much practice as learning to be comfortable with solitude. I heard about a thought provoking program called The People’s Supper. The People’s Supper “works to transform some of our hardest conversations and most isolating experiences into sources of community support, candid conversation, and forward movement using the age-old practice of breaking bread.” The premise is to build relationships through a shared meal. From the beginning of time, humans have connected over the shared campfire. This program provides resources so that through the atmosphere of a shared meal, meaningful conversations, attitudes and behaviors can be examined. The goal is that through this shared meal and conversation, understanding, connection and relationships develop. As the website notes:

“Very rarely does a response make something better, connection does.”

“Social change moves at the speed of relationships. Relationships move at the speed of trust.”

It takes courage to build community and courage to discover oneself. In both instances there is a risk of unearthing something unpleasant. But the benefits of an authentic “real” life are worth it. It is the equivalent to a child’s development: children thrive in conditions of security and trust. When those needs are met, a child can blossom. As a community, when we become comfortable with ourselves and our purpose in life, we can be open to building substantial connections. If those connections are solid, the society can move forward and then, who knows what can develop?

What about you? How are you with the technology balance? Do you give yourself space to just “be”? Have you ever had a moment of solitude? How are your conversations with others? Is the extent of your discussions with others transactional? How’s the weather? What did you do last night? Have you ever had a deep conversation with a stranger? Acquaintance? Neighbor? Family member? How did that go?

While we look forward to the future and all the improvements that can be made, we should also remember those behaviors that lay the foundation for that future: connection with ourselves and one another.

Click here for resources to hosting a supper.

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Thank you for the emails, cards and well-wishes for a speedy recovery. This past Monday I had my surgery to repair my wrist- I had a titanium plate “installed” on my radius. I am currently in a splint and ace wrap- not to be removed for 11 days at which time I return to the surgeon. The plan then will be a removable splint. I am trying to keep the arm elevated (as I type this with my right hand, my left is raised in the air like the obnoxious kid in class with their hand always raised) and the fingers moving. Not an easy nor painless feat. But, each day is better. I am grateful for the technology to repair this!

Connection and Community- Part 1

Have you ever noticed that when you might be thinking of certain themes/things, you then will see and hear that theme in all aspects of your life? I have heard people say that happens to them when they buy a new car- all of a sudden they see that exact car wherever they go.

Lately, it seems as if I am hearing about community every where I turn. Even in the ads at my local bank. No wonder the show “Cheers” was so popular. The place where “everyone knows your name”. People seem to long for community recognition yet we act in individual anonymity.

As a society, we are globalized. No other time in history is like now when the majority of the planet can know and connect with other parts of the world, yet we are also more isolated than ever before. We do not have to interact with anyone for anything- not even for acquiring basic goods and services. And if we choose to connect with others, those connections can take place in solo private settings. We have lost the shared experience of community.

I thought over the next couple of blog posts we can explore the idea of community and connection. I am treating the two together because you cannot have a community without connection to one another. What else is the purpose of human connection but to form some type of community? (recognizing that not all connection is necessarily deep).

So, what does community mean? Do we need it? What are the ramifications? Does our technology help or hinder? What can we do about it? How do we build connection with one another?

For most of my life I have felt that my nose was pressed against the window pane in observation of a gathering of others. No feeling of great connection or community. Oh sure. I have had my “group” - family, childhood friends, workplace colleagues, etc. But I have never felt that sense of deep connection that “these are my people and they get me.”

Not that it is a bad thing. For the most part, I am satisfied with my life and personality. I lean more towards being an introvert than extrovert. As much as I enjoy learning about people and their stories, I am basically shy and don’t want to impose my presence on anyone. I have to force myself out into community. I could go (and have gone) days without speaking to anyone and then when I do, my voice fails as well as my thoughts. I end up sounding like a babbling idiot. Use it or lose it.

Community used to mean one’s physical location: one’s “place” in the world. While that still is true, the word seems now to connote more of one’s identity: “A body of people or things viewed collectively,” (Oxford English Dictionary)

Author, Bill Bishop states, “It used to be that people were born as part of a community, and had to find their place as individuals. Now people are born as individuals, and have to find their community.”

I think that shift is what is causing some issues with our sense of community and connection. If each one of us, as a solo person have to find our community, we are picking and choosing what we want to be. That very choice can become exclusionary- some people will be in and some out. Even our sense of togetherness has a binary, all or nothing quality and can create anxiety and feelings of loneliness.

On a recent podcast of Hidden Brain, they explored the problem of American masculinity and how that creates a lonely man. While the explanation is specific to men, I think that there is a general observation that applies to all people- we all need some type of connection and community.

One of the things noted was the importance of community for a person’s health and wellbeing. They reported on a longitudinal social study that began over eighty years ago looking at the students at an elite university and if there were any predictions for personal success (They funders of the research wanted to find a way to predict good management professionals). Over the years, the focus and goals of the study changed and new discoveries were made yet the study was always concerned with the connection between emotional well-being and personality characteristics. One question they always asked, “Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or afraid?”

According to the study, “We found that people who had warmer, closer connections lived longer, developed the diseases of middle age, those chronic diseases, less soon and had better health longer on average than people who didn't have warm, close relationships.”

Why connection? It is good for your health.

Why community? I think that there is something true about the independent streak that runs in all of us. I think that our current set-up for society has exploited that nature and whether intentionally or not has encouraged us to be solo . Look our for yourself because no one else will. You don’t need to be with others, you can get by with all that you need without them. Getting to know others can set yourself up to pain. Don’t be vulnerable. Hide behind the mask.

And so in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

This is not how we were designed to live. Everything in the Bible and in its story is about relationships: relationships among God and his people- both as an individual with God but also as individuals living in community with others.

The Hebrew wiseman reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will life up his fellow…a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12.

In Jesus’ last days on earth, He prays for the people surrounding Him and those who are yet to come. He prays that they will be unified and connected, that they would be one. You cannot be “one” without connection. “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father are in me, and I in you that they also may be in us, so that world may believe that you have sent me.” John 17: 20.

What about you? What are your feelings of community and connection?

Stay tuned for next week as we explore connection and community (part 2) through technology.

Lessons From Dale

On a recent visit home, our son was telling us about life lessons he had recently heard on a podcast. On it, the producer reminded the listeners that to be a good conversationalist one has to be willing to learn. One needs to take the posture of listening and thinking to oneself- “What can I learn from this person who is talking?”

First edition, 11th printing (February 1937), Courtesy of Wikipedia

I love this idea. Which of course is nothing new. We should always treat others as if their presence is a gift to us: a gift of time, experience, advice, of being. It is one of the tenants from the still published and still offered courses by Dale Carnegie. HIs signature book was “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was first published in 1937 and is still in print. I never read the book nor took any of the courses yet have always been intrigued by that title. In some ways it seems so contrived and calculating: to win friends and intentionally influence others. Yet that is what we do or try to do with one another whether we want to think it happens or not.

According to Wikipedia the book was broken down into different sections: things that the book will do for you (presumably if you pay the money for the course and/or books); fundamental techniques for handling people; ways to make people like you; ways to influence people to the way you think; how to be a leader without giving people offense or feeling of resentment; letters that produce miraculous results (removed in later editions of the book) and ways to make your home life happier (again, removed in subsequent re-printings of the book).

Part of his explanation of making people like you is to take a genuine interest in others and listen to what they say. That does seem cold and calculating and not at all organic. However, the rationale that by listening, we may learn something new is a great posture of humble listening: To recognize value in each interaction with one another and that in that interaction, someone may teach us something new.

The thing that I have noticed lately is the lack of one another really listening. (I include myself with this.) There is no longer the art of conversation but rather joint monologues. I think of the “play dates” for two-year-olds. At that age, there is not interactive play- just side by side individual play. Our conversations are like that. One person will speak and another will speak either over top of that person or interrupt or continue on a totally different wavelength and/or topic. Very rarely is there a conversation where the conversational ball gets tossed back and forth with the addition of new and interesting information being shared. It is almost as if everyone has a limited time to get his/her point across about any topic and so conversations become this quick exchange of “my” information.

I do think that the time factor is part of the problem. Our days are jam packed with transactions: running here and there, trying to accomplish whatever we deem important. We don’t get a chance to really speak to the people we know and love in our lives nor much less listen to the peripheral people that we bump shoulders with- the customers in the grocery store, at the gas pump, folks who are walking down the street, and in some cases the people living next door to us.

Just yesterday I was able to truly listen to a stranger and it was only due to the fact that I had some extra time. My friend and I had gone grocery shopping together and as my order was smaller, I was finished sooner than she. In one aisle I encountered a gentleman who was having a little trouble seeing the items on the shelves and so I made a brief comment to help him out. This led to a ten minute discussion where the man told me some of his life story.

The whole time I was with him because I was thinking of my son’s comment about his podcast, I consciously thought, “Be present with him. Really listen and recognize the gift that he has brought to your day.” It was a wonderful discussion. Now in all honesty, I didn’t learn any encyclopedic knowledge but I did get a taste of what I have been thinking and writing about. Plus the chore of going to the store didn’t seem so burdensome. After this encounter I began wondering, What next? Whom will I meet at the next place? I was prepared to keep my eyes and ears opened.

What about you? What are your interactions with people like? Are they strictly transactional? Do you listen? Could you repeat back what you have been told? Do you know the eye color of the person who just spoke to you? I realized that many times I see people with out truly seeing them.

In my encounter at the grocery store, I intentionally wanted to connect and so I saw him and his interesting pale almost amber/brown eyes. Of course, in this day and age we need to be smart. You don’t want to have the reputation of the creepy starer in the neighborhood or being accused of longingly looking at a person when all you are doing is trying to look them in the eye. But I know for myself I need to be more intentional in my listening skills and part of that requires me to zero in on the face of the speaker.

I do not know how much I win friends or influence people and that is really not my intent. I think the beauty of the lessons is to connect with others and build community. When we have an understanding community, we will win friends and influence others for the betterment of society.

Belonging

A friend recently shared with me two wonderful songs.  One comes from movie, The Greatest Show on Earth,  "This is Me."  and the other from the Broadway musical,  Dear Evans Hanson, "You Will Be Found". The songs are powerful in their message. It is all about our authentic self, not being afraid of our differences, and the need to belong to one another. 

Belonging. 

What is it about the need to belong that shapes how people behave? The more I meet and speak with people, the more I realize that everyone in some way or another feels that they do not belong.  It seems as if belonging is equated with normal and so we wonder if we don't  feel that we belong are we  "normal"?  We define normal as conforming to a standard or the usual, typical condition. 

It also seems as if even those who appear to belong struggle with that meaning.  With the advent of Facebook you can really see that struggle. Those who "belong"  have created a facade of what a belonged person should be.  They create a superficial standard and before you know it, there is an in and out group.  With most people feeling "out".  A keeping up with the Kardashian type mentality. 

The thing is, no one truly belongs.  We all feel separated from each other.   That is one of the greatest lies that the deceiver promotes.  He wants to divide and conquer us.  We start believing we are alone and therefore not normal.  The more we believe that lie, the more isolated we feel.  Isolation (different from being alone) is not good.  It can lead to irrational thinking, harmful behavior of the individual and of others. I am reminded that the only time God said His creation wasn't good was in creating man without companionship or community. It was good when God created human relationship- Adam and Eve. God designed us to live in community and with a sense of belonging. 

Being different is not a criteria for being excluded. Not being part of the "norm" shouldn't hinder us from belonging.  Quite the contrary. Being different is necessary for us to live in community.  Think of it as a potluck dinner.  The best potluck dinners are those in which everyone brings their best or favorite dish.  All those wonderful flavors make up a great meal. If everyone brought the same dish or even the same type of dish say, just desserts we would soon tire of the menu at best. If that was the only type of food we could eat (desserts all the time), we would become ill at worst. 

I do believe that there is a place for all in God's community. His love for us is so strong that He will and has done everything to bring us back to Him in community, even to the point of sacrificing His own son so that we can belong.  Unfortunately that great grace that He has shown to us, we forget to show others.  We forget that God has said it is good for someone who is different to belong in community.   Instead we have created those superficial standards to determine who is in and who is out.  And that is not good.

How can we embrace into community those around us?  Sometimes it is hard.  Sometimes those who are different are hard to understand, are difficult to love and can be burdensome.  Yet it is imperative for us to do so.  Now more than ever.  

Perhaps one step is to not play the comparison game.  If we don't keep up with the Kardashians we don't have to continually strive for something we are not.  We can be grateful for what we have and who we are. 

Another step is to accept that we are loved by God just as we are. If He knows the very hairs on our heads and how we are uniquely and wonderfully made, we can have the confidence that He knows us, warts, scars and all, and still loves us. 

Then we can concentrate on developing our unique gifts and what we bring to the collective community table.  When we recognize that we have something to offer, we can be more generous with others- what do they have to offer?  We do not have to be threatened by someone's difference but celebrate it. 

What about you?  Have you ever felt that you were "outside looking in" on the collective human experience?  Have you ever be on the inside?  Did you feel a sense of belonging?  Have you ever included someone "different" into your social sphere?  How did that go?   What makes you different and unique?  How can you celebrate that?  

How can you make someone else feel that they belong today?

Community Connections

"Navy Returns to Compasses and Pencils to Help Avoid Collisions at Sea"

The above is a headline in today's The New York Times.  Basically, the Navy is going back to, well, basics: sailors getting more sleep, spending more time on ship maintenance, employing basic seamanship.

It seems that all professions have the tension between the use of technology and the basic, common skills that have been used over time.   

When I was employed at a well-known teaching hospital, I was in a training program for working with critically ill patients. During one of the classes, the instructor gave wise words: "Always check the patient."  

She went on to tell us the story: When she was a newly trained critical care nurse she was very enthusiastic and diligent to do exactly as she was instructed.  On one of her rounds she dutifully kept an eye on the cardiac monitor.  To her shock, she witnessed the monitor showing that the patient was experiencing ventricular tachycardia- extremely fast heart rhythm.  The first response to that problem is to shock the heart back into regular rhythm and can be done so by a whack on the chest.  The nurse ran into the room, went to the patient's side and "thumped" a hard fist in the middle of the man's chest.  He sat bolt upright,  "What the [expletive} do you think you are doing?"  

Turns out he had been sleeping.

As she reminded us, technology is a great tool but never forget your basic assessment of patients.

I have felt that our culture needs to remember the basics of human interaction. We are all too quick to allow technology to overshadow or replace our role as social beings.

Over the last couple of days I have been able to use my bicycle to accomplish some errands.  It has been beautiful fall weather and peddling through the streets noticing the mums, pumpkins and turning leaves has been a treat.

One thing that I have always noticed when I cycle, is how connected I feel to my fellow pedestrians and those who are out and about sans l'automobile.  In a car, I am so isolated. I barrel down the road and don't really get a chance to interact with anybody.  Yet on my bicycle as I meander through town I can aid the woman confused over a street address or buy a sandwich for the man down on his luck or smile and wave at the toddler tentatively waving in her stroller.

My interactions aren't earth shattering.  Just a connectedness with other human beings. Yet I am back to basics- communing with people as we were traveling around. 

One of my stops was at a local coffee shop to enjoy a cup of joe and to soak up the ambiance. As I sat there, I overheard a couple of conversations. In each grouping the dialogue may have been different but the theme was the same: community, spending quality time with one another and being authentic in our relationships. 

It seems as if  I hear more and more people expressing their tiredness with being a faceless entity- an initial or first name post among many other faceless posts. They want to be known for their individuality.  They want to go back to the way people use to interact. They want to be known.

On one hand, the computer and the global network has connected us with long-lost friends and family and has connected us with new friends in different cultures.  But the technology era has also ushered in more isolation and with that, despair and depression.  Try as we might to avoid it, we are designed to live in community. 

I certainly have had my fair share of not wanting community.  I have been known to duck down another aisle in the grocery store just to avoid talking to someone I know.  If I had my druthers, I would probably sit in isolation and only communicate by banging out texts and notes to people.  Yet, I also know that when I don't engage with others, I miss out.  I miss their immediate reactions to statements.  I miss out on immediate feedback.  I miss out on perspective, where do my thoughts fit into the big scheme of things? 

My bicycle jaunts have me engage more with my surroundings.  I find that I like it.  My community engagements are not long encounters.  They are not overly deep. At least for now.  Yet there is always something I get out of the encounters, some new idea or thought or outlook. I hope that is true too for the person encountering me.

I feel that I am getting back to basics, employing the foundational elements that connect us as humans:  building community.

What about you?  Do you ever feel the need to get back to basics?  To spend some time with the people around you?  Do you have the opportunity to interact with strangers?  To share a small greeting?  What is preventing you? Do you have time in your life to occasionally slow down when you do your errands? To bike or walk to get groceries, coffee or milk? Could you try it once a week, once a month, once a quarter?  If you did get back to basics, what would be your headline? 

"Cyclist Returns to Interacting With Previously Unknown Individuals to Build Community." 

Nastiness

Nastiness.  The word itself sounds, well, nasty.  It is just one of those words, actions and predicaments that one should avoid.  Yet we don't.  More and more individuals say and do the meanest things.  We see it on social media and reality television.  We hear it from our leaders and our family and friends. 

This past Sunday's The New York Times had an interesting article called, "The Culture of Nastiness". It looked at our current times and how we are so uncivil towards each other.  What caught my eye was a quote by a professor from our town's university.  The professor teaches a class, "Mister Rogers 101: Why Civility and Community Still Matter".  His premise is that we are a lonely society.  We do not engage with one another as we used to and as we should.   Consequently we do not have experience working through conflicts with people with whom we must figure out a way to get along. 

"Civility is the idea that you're not always going to agree but you still have to make it work... People think, 'If I disagree with you, then I have to dislike you, so why should I go to a neighborhood meeting when it's clear I'm going to disagree with them?'" 

How can we stop this societal trajectory towards nastiness?  It doesn't take a social scientist to recognize that nothing good will come out of this current course we are on.  We see it with the uptick of bullying, harassment, and hate speech.  We see it in the ills caused by isolation- anxiety, stress, addictions. 

Start with community.  Or at least recognizing how much we lack community in our lives.  For most adults, the only community tends to be one's work place. That is not to say it is a bad thing but what about the time spent away from work?   Or if one is let go from one's job?  Where is the community and support? Do we have any interaction with others?  How can we cultivate those relationships? 

Limit social media.   People are so free with comments about others when it is offered under anonymity.  If one had to look someone in the eye and say those things, conversations would be quite different.  Plus the information given through Facebook and other outlets are the "reel highlights" of someone's life.  It is as if we receive the annoying "everything is perfect in our life even our dog" Christmas letter on a daily basis.  It totally distorts reality and authentic living. 

Monitor the types of images one watches.  When all we see are the intense interactions and abusive discussions from reality television or even news programs we subconsciously start to think that way towards others which leads to practicing conversations like that.  If we do watch these images we need to keep a reality check in mind- what is a better way to encourage employees to improve performance; is it really necessary to use curse words to speak to a family member; in light of real problems in the world, is the "drama" of a celebs broken relationship necessary? 

By balancing the words and images that we receive with conversations and experiences of real people we can combat nastiness.  We might not like everyone we encounter but we begin to have some type of understanding of why people think the way they do.  We glean a perspective of what is a true crisis and authentic compassion. 

The end of the article was quite poignant in that it asks each of us to examine ourselves in our contributions to nastiness.  Changing this atmosphere requires more than pointing fingers at "those" people; each one of us needs to honestly admit our role, complacent or active in contributing towards uncivil behavior and then strive for ways to change.

What about you?  Do you find yourself hiding behind social media in your opinions?  Do you know your neighbors and those in your community?  Have you ever been inspired by a reality show to act in the same manner?  How did that go?  

The word that I like instead is comity.  It generally refers to judicial and legal terms.  Originally it was  a word derived from Latin comitas, meaning "courteousness" (and probably related to the Sanskrit word for "he smiles").  

It means courteous behavior; politeness; civility.  

How much better is that? 

The African Doctor

The other night my husband and I watched a movie, The African Doctor.   It is a 2016 French film about a newly graduated Congolese doctor who becomes the doctor for a small conservative village in France.  Seyolo Zantoko struggles with his family to integrate into a small rural village and ends up being considered as one of the most respected doctors in the area.  It is a heart-warming "true" story.

What I liked was the idea that community begins when Dr. Zantoko and some villagers take the risk to get to know one another.  In this case, the doctor joins the men in learning to play darts at the local pub.  

Makes me think about getting to know the strangers in my midst.  Do I take the risk in getting to know them?  Do I sacrifice time with those I already know in order to greet and meet those whom I don't?  Should I? 

I think there is a responsibility in community to take that risk; whether that is a group with which I am involved, my neighbors in community or in the larger world.  Of course there are times when we do need to "honker down home" and regroup with people who already know us.  We need the stability of established relationships to get through a patch of tough time. But to permanently settle into little isolated segments does nothing to promote understanding, connection and peace in the world.

I know that I have talked a lot about this topic on these blog postings.  But it seems every where I turn I see disconnect- people not only disagreeing but violently so.  Communities, cross the globe are closing in ranks and hiding behind a curtain of nationalism and isolationism.  

Yet, I also see glimmers of people reaching out to one another and in doing so are forming broader communities.  Perhaps it is due to a common enemy that is drawing dissimilar people together.  But I would hope that it is because love always trumps hate. Love takes risks. Love takes time.  Love is the only hope for society to continue.  

It makes my day better knowing that I have connected to someone- whether that is a smile, kind word or long chat.  Hopefully it is reciprocated-  that "someone's" day has improved too in knowing that there has been a connection.  It is looking for commonalities rather than differences.  In The African Doctor, it was the common cause of the children and their activities that finally cemented the relationship between the Zantoko family and the village.

What about you?  Do have any time this holiday weekend to connect to someone else?  A long distant relative or friend?  A stranger in the store?  Have you seen any movies  or read any books lately where these theme of connection have occurred?  What were the titles?  What spoke to you in these stories? Were there any truths to be gleaned? 

Instead of letting things happen around you, what steps can you take to keep the means of connection open? What activities can you find that might connect you with people you wouldn't normally associate? 

How would you respond if you were plunked down into a community where you didn't know anyone?  How would you connect?  Perhaps it is time that we all think of others in that way. 

We Are All Americans

2016.  The most contentious election in US history?   There is a debate about that.  Certainly the commentators are talking about this past week's election being the most contentious in this century.  

The election of 1800 was pretty contentious.  It was the race between Thomas Jefferson and incumbent John Adams; Democratic-Republican party versus the Federalists; states governance versus centralized government.   Part of the election landscape was the discussion of the Alien-Sedition Acts, 4 bills signed into law by President Adams:   "They made it harder for an immigrant to become a citizen (Naturalization Act), allowed the president to imprison and deport non-citizens who were deemed dangerous (Alien Friends Act) or who were from a hostile nation (Alien Enemies Act), and criminalized making false statements that were critical of the federal government (Sedition Act)." (As an aside, hate to admit it, this was the easiest explanation which came from Wikipedia.)

Similar rhetoric then to what we are saying now.  However, after all was said and done during that election, President Jefferson's inaugural speech captured what we need to remember, "every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle. We have called by different names brethren of the same principle. We are all republicans: we are all federalists." Click here to read the 1st inaugural address in its entirety. 

In that spirit, I pray that the next couple of months will be a smooth transition and that we can remember that we are all Americans. 

On election day I once again volunteered to be an election judge.  It was quite a long and busy day but the thing that struck me was the peaceful voting.  Certainly there were people who were quite passionate about their decision (as indicated by their political buttons or comments to us who were working the polls) but there were no arguments or disruptions.  

Since there was a large voter turnout, the lines were quite long and at certain times of the day, people had to wait hours to vote.  They did so patiently.  One upshot of the long lines was that many people talked to the surrounding people in line.  As they would break off the line to scan their ballet, I heard over and over again, "Nice meeting you and chatting."  How great is that- differing opinions but community building. 

Again, my prayer is that now that this is election season is over (phew, finally!), we can move on in building community with all people. 

My nephew has some interesting thoughts about voting. I think he is right.  Whatever happens (happened) in the election and for the future, we need not be afraid.   We can be full of hope.  God is in control.  Click here to read his blog.

What about you?  How was your voting experience? What did you notice?  Did you have any heated moments with family and friends over the candidates?  Is there any bridge building you can do?  What can we do to make our political process better? 

As we think about Veterans Day, what better way to show our appreciation for the sacrifices they make than to live as we claim: we are all Americans.