Come Together * (or at least 6 feet apart)

March has been an incredible, life-altering month for us as Americans and as a world. Our generation is experiencing depravation, isolation, and fear that we haven’t experienced or collectively experienced in a long time. We see people squandering and hoarding resources yet we also see people carrying on in the bravest of ways.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

It makes my heart sing when I see people behaving in the best of times mode. These are the “helpers” as Mr. Rogers would say. When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are willing to help.

Look for the helpers.

I keep hearing about small acts of kindnesses and help. In our beach town, there is a group of children who will ride their bikes to the store to pick up much needed items for their self-quarantined shut-in neighbors. One of the moms rides with them.

I heard of a similar type of helping of apartment building neighbors near New Rochelle, NY. Many of the elderly neighbors do not have access to the internet and so cannot order groceries online. They leave a list out for their neighbors and others in the building will pick up what is needed.

On the social media neighborhood accounts, there are numerous offers to help others, reminders of people to look out for others, sharing resources and information and even specific inquiries about the whereabouts of “resident” homeless persons.

While this pandemic is currently devastating and will continue to be ( for we do not even know what life will look like in the weeks, months and even years ahead), there has been some surprising societal side-effects:

I have heard from many friends and neighbors that they are surprised that the stay-at-home edict is seen as a welcome. They are welcoming this slower paced lifestyle. Many have said that they have gone from an almost difficult to read, packed with writing, full calendar to one with scratched out and blank, empty spaces in the blink of a news conference. I know that my husband and I are wondering about our time management or lack thereof. Our Jan, Feb, March monthly calendar blocks were almost solidly black with written- in appointments, meetings, and deadlines. Our April calendar looks like it came out of the wrapper- the only entries are the factory printed ones: Palm Sunday, Good Friday, Passover, Easter, National Arbor Day.

There has been time to do the “rainy day projects”- renamed “pandemic projects.” Many folks are finally getting to the clean out and clean up of clutter. They are sprucing up gardens and yards. They are prioritizing the material things in their homes.

I have heard of others who have decided to daily contact someone from their community (apartment building, condo, neighborhood, extended circle of friends) to see how they are doing and to offer a little chat. For me, it is reminiscent of my great-Aunt who, in her nineties and being primarily home-bound, took it upon herself to call the “shut-ins” from her church to check in with them, offer a kind word and listening ear and to pray for them. How fortunate we are to have many forms of technology that we can do so.

There is a greater appreciation of being in one another’s physical presence and the longing for touch. Even the introverts seem to agree that there is a missed sense of belonging when one cannot physically gather.

This might be the time to resurrect the snail mail. When one cannot touch a person, there is something to be said for a hand-written letter- knowing that the person who wrote the note physically touched the paper, etc. While video chats are great, letters can be reread and held- a paper chain of touch.

It is wonderful to see families walking, jogging or bicycling together. I realize the novelty of all being home 24/7 may wear out in another week or so, but I wonder if families will settle into a different and new pattern of appreciation of being together? I have a neighbor who thinks divorce rates will increase after this settles down, but I wonder if some marriages will be strengthened instead- maybe without all the extraneous distractions, people will remember why they fell in love with their spouse in the first place.

I have noticed that when I have gone to the grocery store there is not the frenetic atmosphere that usually persists. People are still scrambling to get provisions, but it is almost as if everyone has finally recognized that this is for the long haul and no store is going to have the same stock as pre-pandemic stock. While there is a prevailing hush and people are mindful on one another- social distancing, there are conversations occurring down the aisles. I have heard people catching up with each other about the status of family and friends. I have also seen and heard shoppers be very appreciative to the grocery workers, saying a thank you, morning pleasantry or just looking them in the eye and recognizing them- perhaps for the first time. Of course, in moving through the store, some shoppers will smile at each other while others are head down as if the contagion is spread through the glimpse of an iris.

It sure is sad that it takes something of this magnitude for us to realize that we do need one another and that our survival depends on one another.

What about you? What have you noticed about the people around you? Have you seen any helpers? What creative ways have you seen others coming together - with the appropriate social distance?

One thing I thought we could do as an encouraging community is to offer an encouraging word or picture each day- something on which we can meditate, think, ponder, focus. Something that might take our minds off of the current situation at least for the moment, I will (try) post everyday for the month of April. Just a short snippet of inspiration (hopefully) which we will title: Words and Pictures. [If you haven’t seen the film by the same name- free with ads on Youtube. An okay film (after more weeks sequestered it might seem like a masterpiece) depicting 2 teachers- one Art and one English and a competition between the two with students deciding if painting or literature is the best.]


* Come Together. “Bum bum, dodadoo. do. Bum bum. dodadoo. do” (Best attempt to write out the sound of the base line to the beginning of the song.) During my stay-at-home, I have been spring cleaning to Paul McCartney radio on Pandora. The Beatles song, Come Together has been circulating in my head.

Connection and Community- Part 1

Have you ever noticed that when you might be thinking of certain themes/things, you then will see and hear that theme in all aspects of your life? I have heard people say that happens to them when they buy a new car- all of a sudden they see that exact car wherever they go.

Lately, it seems as if I am hearing about community every where I turn. Even in the ads at my local bank. No wonder the show “Cheers” was so popular. The place where “everyone knows your name”. People seem to long for community recognition yet we act in individual anonymity.

As a society, we are globalized. No other time in history is like now when the majority of the planet can know and connect with other parts of the world, yet we are also more isolated than ever before. We do not have to interact with anyone for anything- not even for acquiring basic goods and services. And if we choose to connect with others, those connections can take place in solo private settings. We have lost the shared experience of community.

I thought over the next couple of blog posts we can explore the idea of community and connection. I am treating the two together because you cannot have a community without connection to one another. What else is the purpose of human connection but to form some type of community? (recognizing that not all connection is necessarily deep).

So, what does community mean? Do we need it? What are the ramifications? Does our technology help or hinder? What can we do about it? How do we build connection with one another?

For most of my life I have felt that my nose was pressed against the window pane in observation of a gathering of others. No feeling of great connection or community. Oh sure. I have had my “group” - family, childhood friends, workplace colleagues, etc. But I have never felt that sense of deep connection that “these are my people and they get me.”

Not that it is a bad thing. For the most part, I am satisfied with my life and personality. I lean more towards being an introvert than extrovert. As much as I enjoy learning about people and their stories, I am basically shy and don’t want to impose my presence on anyone. I have to force myself out into community. I could go (and have gone) days without speaking to anyone and then when I do, my voice fails as well as my thoughts. I end up sounding like a babbling idiot. Use it or lose it.

Community used to mean one’s physical location: one’s “place” in the world. While that still is true, the word seems now to connote more of one’s identity: “A body of people or things viewed collectively,” (Oxford English Dictionary)

Author, Bill Bishop states, “It used to be that people were born as part of a community, and had to find their place as individuals. Now people are born as individuals, and have to find their community.”

I think that shift is what is causing some issues with our sense of community and connection. If each one of us, as a solo person have to find our community, we are picking and choosing what we want to be. That very choice can become exclusionary- some people will be in and some out. Even our sense of togetherness has a binary, all or nothing quality and can create anxiety and feelings of loneliness.

On a recent podcast of Hidden Brain, they explored the problem of American masculinity and how that creates a lonely man. While the explanation is specific to men, I think that there is a general observation that applies to all people- we all need some type of connection and community.

One of the things noted was the importance of community for a person’s health and wellbeing. They reported on a longitudinal social study that began over eighty years ago looking at the students at an elite university and if there were any predictions for personal success (They funders of the research wanted to find a way to predict good management professionals). Over the years, the focus and goals of the study changed and new discoveries were made yet the study was always concerned with the connection between emotional well-being and personality characteristics. One question they always asked, “Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or afraid?”

According to the study, “We found that people who had warmer, closer connections lived longer, developed the diseases of middle age, those chronic diseases, less soon and had better health longer on average than people who didn't have warm, close relationships.”

Why connection? It is good for your health.

Why community? I think that there is something true about the independent streak that runs in all of us. I think that our current set-up for society has exploited that nature and whether intentionally or not has encouraged us to be solo . Look our for yourself because no one else will. You don’t need to be with others, you can get by with all that you need without them. Getting to know others can set yourself up to pain. Don’t be vulnerable. Hide behind the mask.

And so in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

This is not how we were designed to live. Everything in the Bible and in its story is about relationships: relationships among God and his people- both as an individual with God but also as individuals living in community with others.

The Hebrew wiseman reminds us, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will life up his fellow…a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12.

In Jesus’ last days on earth, He prays for the people surrounding Him and those who are yet to come. He prays that they will be unified and connected, that they would be one. You cannot be “one” without connection. “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one, just as you, Father are in me, and I in you that they also may be in us, so that world may believe that you have sent me.” John 17: 20.

What about you? What are your feelings of community and connection?

Stay tuned for next week as we explore connection and community (part 2) through technology.

Lessons From Dale

On a recent visit home, our son was telling us about life lessons he had recently heard on a podcast. On it, the producer reminded the listeners that to be a good conversationalist one has to be willing to learn. One needs to take the posture of listening and thinking to oneself- “What can I learn from this person who is talking?”

First edition, 11th printing (February 1937), Courtesy of Wikipedia

First edition, 11th printing (February 1937), Courtesy of Wikipedia

I love this idea. Which of course is nothing new. We should always treat others as if their presence is a gift to us: a gift of time, experience, advice, of being. It is one of the tenants from the still published and still offered courses by Dale Carnegie. HIs signature book was “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was first published in 1937 and is still in print. I never read the book nor took any of the courses yet have always been intrigued by that title. In some ways it seems so contrived and calculating: to win friends and intentionally influence others. Yet that is what we do or try to do with one another whether we want to think it happens or not.


According to Wikipedia the book was broken down into different sections: things that the book will do for you (presumably if you pay the money for the course and/or books); fundamental techniques for handling people; ways to make people like you; ways to influence people to the way you think; how to be a leader without giving people offense or feeling of resentment; letters that produce miraculous results (removed in later editions of the book) and ways to make your home life happier (again, removed in subsequent re-printings of the book).

Part of his explanation of making people like you is to take a genuine interest in others and listen to what they say. That does seem cold and calculating and not at all organic. However, the rationale that by listening, we may learn something new is a great posture of humble listening: To recognize value in each interaction with one another and that in that interaction, someone may teach us something new.

The thing that I have noticed lately is the lack of one another really listening. (I include myself with this.) There is no longer the art of conversation but rather joint monologues. I think of the “play dates” for two-year-olds. At that age, there is not interactive play- just side by side individual play. Our conversations are like that. One person will speak and another will speak either over top of that person or interrupt or continue on a totally different wavelength and/or topic. Very rarely is there a conversation where the conversational ball gets tossed back and forth with the addition of new and interesting information being shared. It is almost as if everyone has a limited time to get his/her point across about any topic and so conversations become this quick exchange of “my” information.

I do think that the time factor is part of the problem. Our days are jam packed with transactions: running here and there, trying to accomplish whatever we deem important. We don’t get a chance to really speak to the people we know and love in our lives nor much less listen to the peripheral people that we bump shoulders with- the customers in the grocery store, at the gas pump, folks who are walking down the street, and in some cases the people living next door to us.

Just yesterday I was able to truly listen to a stranger and it was only due to the fact that I had some extra time. My friend and I had gone grocery shopping together and as my order was smaller, I was finished sooner than she. In one aisle I encountered a gentleman who was having a little trouble seeing the items on the shelves and so I made a brief comment to help him out. This led to a ten minute discussion where the man told me some of his life story.

The whole time I was with him because I was thinking of my son’s comment about his podcast, I consciously thought, “Be present with him. Really listen and recognize the gift that he has brought to your day.” It was a wonderful discussion. Now in all honesty, I didn’t learn any encyclopedic knowledge but I did get a taste of what I have been thinking and writing about. Plus the chore of going to the store didn’t seem so burdensome. After this encounter I began wondering, What next? Whom will I meet at the next place? I was prepared to keep my eyes and ears opened.

What about you? What are your interactions with people like? Are they strictly transactional? Do you listen? Could you repeat back what you have been told? Do you know the eye color of the person who just spoke to you? I realized that many times I see people with out truly seeing them.

In my encounter at the grocery store, I intentionally wanted to connect and so I saw him and his interesting pale almost amber/brown eyes. Of course, in this day and age we need to be smart. You don’t want to have the reputation of the creepy starer in the neighborhood or being accused of longingly looking at a person when all you are doing is trying to look them in the eye. But I know for myself I need to be more intentional in my listening skills and part of that requires me to zero in on the face of the speaker.

I do not know how much I win friends or influence people and that is really not my intent. I think the beauty of the lessons is to connect with others and build community. When we have an understanding community, we will win friends and influence others for the betterment of society.

Community Connections

"Navy Returns to Compasses and Pencils to Help Avoid Collisions at Sea"

The above is a headline in today's The New York Times.  Basically, the Navy is going back to, well, basics: sailors getting more sleep, spending more time on ship maintenance, employing basic seamanship.

It seems that all professions have the tension between the use of technology and the basic, common skills that have been used over time.   

When I was employed at a well-known teaching hospital, I was in a training program for working with critically ill patients. During one of the classes, the instructor gave wise words: "Always check the patient."  

She went on to tell us the story: When she was a newly trained critical care nurse she was very enthusiastic and diligent to do exactly as she was instructed.  On one of her rounds she dutifully kept an eye on the cardiac monitor.  To her shock, she witnessed the monitor showing that the patient was experiencing ventricular tachycardia- extremely fast heart rhythm.  The first response to that problem is to shock the heart back into regular rhythm and can be done so by a whack on the chest.  The nurse ran into the room, went to the patient's side and "thumped" a hard fist in the middle of the man's chest.  He sat bolt upright,  "What the [expletive} do you think you are doing?"  

Turns out he had been sleeping.

As she reminded us, technology is a great tool but never forget your basic assessment of patients.

I have felt that our culture needs to remember the basics of human interaction. We are all too quick to allow technology to overshadow or replace our role as social beings.

Over the last couple of days I have been able to use my bicycle to accomplish some errands.  It has been beautiful fall weather and peddling through the streets noticing the mums, pumpkins and turning leaves has been a treat.

One thing that I have always noticed when I cycle, is how connected I feel to my fellow pedestrians and those who are out and about sans l'automobile.  In a car, I am so isolated. I barrel down the road and don't really get a chance to interact with anybody.  Yet on my bicycle as I meander through town I can aid the woman confused over a street address or buy a sandwich for the man down on his luck or smile and wave at the toddler tentatively waving in her stroller.

My interactions aren't earth shattering.  Just a connectedness with other human beings. Yet I am back to basics- communing with people as we were traveling around. 

One of my stops was at a local coffee shop to enjoy a cup of joe and to soak up the ambiance. As I sat there, I overheard a couple of conversations. In each grouping the dialogue may have been different but the theme was the same: community, spending quality time with one another and being authentic in our relationships. 

It seems as if  I hear more and more people expressing their tiredness with being a faceless entity- an initial or first name post among many other faceless posts. They want to be known for their individuality.  They want to go back to the way people use to interact. They want to be known.

On one hand, the computer and the global network has connected us with long-lost friends and family and has connected us with new friends in different cultures.  But the technology era has also ushered in more isolation and with that, despair and depression.  Try as we might to avoid it, we are designed to live in community. 

I certainly have had my fair share of not wanting community.  I have been known to duck down another aisle in the grocery store just to avoid talking to someone I know.  If I had my druthers, I would probably sit in isolation and only communicate by banging out texts and notes to people.  Yet, I also know that when I don't engage with others, I miss out.  I miss their immediate reactions to statements.  I miss out on immediate feedback.  I miss out on perspective, where do my thoughts fit into the big scheme of things? 

My bicycle jaunts have me engage more with my surroundings.  I find that I like it.  My community engagements are not long encounters.  They are not overly deep. At least for now.  Yet there is always something I get out of the encounters, some new idea or thought or outlook. I hope that is true too for the person encountering me.

I feel that I am getting back to basics, employing the foundational elements that connect us as humans:  building community.

What about you?  Do you ever feel the need to get back to basics?  To spend some time with the people around you?  Do you have the opportunity to interact with strangers?  To share a small greeting?  What is preventing you? Do you have time in your life to occasionally slow down when you do your errands? To bike or walk to get groceries, coffee or milk? Could you try it once a week, once a month, once a quarter?  If you did get back to basics, what would be your headline? 

"Cyclist Returns to Interacting With Previously Unknown Individuals to Build Community." 

 

Nastiness

Nastiness.  The word itself sounds, well, nasty.  It is just one of those words, actions and predicaments that one should avoid.  Yet we don't.  More and more individuals say and do the meanest things.  We see it on social media and reality television.  We hear it from our leaders and our family and friends. 

This past Sunday's The New York Times had an interesting article called, "The Culture of Nastiness". It looked at our current times and how we are so uncivil towards each other.  What caught my eye was a quote by a professor from our town's university.  The professor teaches a class, "Mister Rogers 101: Why Civility and Community Still Matter".  His premise is that we are a lonely society.  We do not engage with one another as we used to and as we should.   Consequently we do not have experience working through conflicts with people with whom we must figure out a way to get along. 

"Civility is the idea that you're not always going to agree but you still have to make it work... People think, 'If I disagree with you, then I have to dislike you, so why should I go to a neighborhood meeting when it's clear I'm going to disagree with them?'" 

How can we stop this societal trajectory towards nastiness?  It doesn't take a social scientist to recognize that nothing good will come out of this current course we are on.  We see it with the uptick of bullying, harassment, and hate speech.  We see it in the ills caused by isolation- anxiety, stress, addictions. 

Start with community.  Or at least recognizing how much we lack community in our lives.  For most adults, the only community tends to be one's work place. That is not to say it is a bad thing but what about the time spent away from work?   Or if one is let go from one's job?  Where is the community and support? Do we have any interaction with others?  How can we cultivate those relationships? 

Limit social media.   People are so free with comments about others when it is offered under anonymity.  If one had to look someone in the eye and say those things, conversations would be quite different.  Plus the information given through Facebook and other outlets are the "reel highlights" of someone's life.  It is as if we receive the annoying "everything is perfect in our life even our dog" Christmas letter on a daily basis.  It totally distorts reality and authentic living. 

Monitor the types of images one watches.  When all we see are the intense interactions and abusive discussions from reality television or even news programs we subconsciously start to think that way towards others which leads to practicing conversations like that.  If we do watch these images we need to keep a reality check in mind- what is a better way to encourage employees to improve performance; is it really necessary to use curse words to speak to a family member; in light of real problems in the world, is the "drama" of a celebs broken relationship necessary? 

By balancing the words and images that we receive with conversations and experiences of real people we can combat nastiness.  We might not like everyone we encounter but we begin to have some type of understanding of why people think the way they do.  We glean a perspective of what is a true crisis and authentic compassion. 

The end of the article was quite poignant in that it asks each of us to examine ourselves in our contributions to nastiness.  Changing this atmosphere requires more than pointing fingers at "those" people; each one of us needs to honestly admit our role, complacent or active in contributing towards uncivil behavior and then strive for ways to change.

What about you?  Do you find yourself hiding behind social media in your opinions?  Do you know your neighbors and those in your community?  Have you ever been inspired by a reality show to act in the same manner?  How did that go?  

The word that I like instead is comity.  It generally refers to judicial and legal terms.  Originally it was  a word derived from Latin comitas, meaning "courteousness" (and probably related to the Sanskrit word for "he smiles").  

It means courteous behavior; politeness; civility.  

How much better is that? 

The African Doctor

African Doctor Movie.jpeg

The other night my husband and I watched a movie, The African Doctor.   It is a 2016 French film about a newly graduated Congolese doctor who becomes the doctor for a small conservative village in France.  Seyolo Zantoko struggles with his family to integrate into a small rural village and ends up being considered as one of the most respected doctors in the area.  It is a heart-warming "true" story.

What I liked was the idea that community begins when Dr. Zantoko and some villagers take the risk to get to know one another.  In this case, the doctor joins the men in learning to play darts at the local pub.  

Makes me think about getting to know the strangers in my midst.  Do I take the risk in getting to know them?  Do I sacrifice time with those I already know in order to greet and meet those whom I don't?  Should I? 

I think there is a responsibility in community to take that risk; whether that is a group with which I am involved, my neighbors in community or in the larger world.  Of course there are times when we do need to "honker down home" and regroup with people who already know us.  We need the stability of established relationships to get through a patch of tough time. But to permanently settle into little isolated segments does nothing to promote understanding, connection and peace in the world.

I know that I have talked a lot about this topic on these blog postings.  But it seems every where I turn I see disconnect- people not only disagreeing but violently so.  Communities, cross the globe are closing in ranks and hiding behind a curtain of nationalism and isolationism.  

Yet, I also see glimmers of people reaching out to one another and in doing so are forming broader communities.  Perhaps it is due to a common enemy that is drawing dissimilar people together.  But I would hope that it is because love always trumps hate. Love takes risks. Love takes time.  Love is the only hope for society to continue.  

It makes my day better knowing that I have connected to someone- whether that is a smile, kind word or long chat.  Hopefully it is reciprocated-  that "someone's" day has improved too in knowing that there has been a connection.  It is looking for commonalities rather than differences.  In The African Doctor, it was the common cause of the children and their activities that finally cemented the relationship between the Zantoko family and the village.

What about you?  Do have any time this holiday weekend to connect to someone else?  A long distant relative or friend?  A stranger in the store?  Have you seen any movies  or read any books lately where these theme of connection have occurred?  What were the titles?  What spoke to you in these stories? Were there any truths to be gleaned? 

Instead of letting things happen around you, what steps can you take to keep the means of connection open? What activities can you find that might connect you with people you wouldn't normally associate? 

How would you respond if you were plunked down into a community where you didn't know anyone?  How would you connect?  Perhaps it is time that we all think of others in that way.