Stranger Suggestions

Have you ever encountered a stranger whose conversation or actions resonated with you?

Such was an encounter for me over the weekend. My husband and I had biked to one of the villages near our get-away cottage. We wanted to see if one of the cook stores had a replacement part for our coffee pot. (Alas, it did not.) However the trip was worth it as the sales clerk was so interesting to talk to. An attractive woman in her late 60’s/70’s she was manning the small cookware store. The village was somewhat busy with visiting tourists meandering up and down main street, entering stores and perusing the wares. Most were carrying bags containing bought items that they didn’t know were a necessity until they happened to stumble upon it on their holiday.

The sales person in the store had a soft Southern accent. When asked, “Where were you from originally as you definitely sound from south of the Mason-Dixon line?” She replied that she had lived all over the South: Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, South and North Carolina. About 14 years ago, she “ran away” as she puts it. From what- not sure. From whom- her Yankee husband. (Although she ran right up to New England. A conversation for another time, for sure.) In the intervening years, she has been renting a home from a local author. When she mentioned where she lived, it is very close to my old summer childhood stomping grounds. It was fun to reminisce about that area. Sadly, any of the people I knew from then have moved on or died.

She mentioned the name of the author- Anne LeClair with whose work I was not familiar. She told us two things about knowing Anne that I thought were quite interesting and thought provoking. One, that Anne has taken two days a month, every month for YEARS and practices silence on those days. Apparently Anne wrote a memoir, Listening Below the Noise, about that practice which I now want to read.

Two, after their last child left the nest, Anne made an appointment with a marital counselor for her and her husband. According to our salesperson, Anne’s husband was perplexed as to why, but the counselor commended them for taking this proactive/preventative step in their relationship- that this was the perfect time. One of the things that the counselor suggested was that they have a set time each day for communication. Time when one spouse “had the floor” and could speak uninterrupted for five minutes. The listening spouse could ask questions but no comments. After the five minutes, they would then switch roles. It gave the couple a chance to re-establish their relationship. As our new found friend said, “Anne is an incredible listener. She has taught me that it is okay to have pauses in my conversations and to not feel awkward about silences in those conversations.”

I found the following clip on youtube of Anne speaking at a seminar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47Za0OcDCSw

As the youtube clip says, she noticed that when she was silent and heard others speaking- she was moved from her own ego reaction- that person is annoying, egotistical, narcissistic, etc. to recognizing what was being said underneath the words: that all people just want is to be seen, heard, recognized and have a sense of belonging. Being silent gave her greater empathy and compassion for others.

I have been most intrigued by this idea and her process. I haven’t read her book yet, but did request it from the library. In some ways, I like the idea of space in our silent days leading to space in our heads to ponder, think and mull things over. A day of silence which gives us permission to slow down and enjoy the day with whatever unfolds.

She notes in the youtube clip that choosing silence is empowering. It provides time to listen- to others, to one’s surroundings, and to oneself. As she spoke, it made me think of Jesus. He never was rushed in his encounters with others. He always listened to what was being said and responded to the heart of the matter- that which the speaker was truly desiring and expressing even if the speaker didn’t acknowledge it at the time. I can’t help but think that his practice of withdrawing from the crowds and disciples and spending time in prayer was what enabled him to be that present for others (setting His divinity aside).

What about you? Have you ever had a period of silence? How and why did that come about? Was it intentional? Did you learn anything from that experience? How are you at listening?

I am excited about reading the book and trying some days of silence. I have been thinking about what it might look like and how I can change the pattern of my days to be present. Already, from our encounter over the weekend, I am intentionally trying to be a better listener and to hear what is being said. Who knows? Maybe if I have an encounter with a stranger, I can pass along the suggestions that I received?

Don't Judge a Book by its Cover

This past week the radio announcer was talking about The Human Library Project. Founded in Denmark by two brothers and some colleagues, “Menneskebiblioteket” as it is called in Danish, is a place where a “reader” can check out a “human” book. During a certain amount of time, one person, “the reader” listens to the story of another, “the book”. Generally it is a story with which the reader is unfamiliar and perhaps has pre-conceived or pre-judged ideas. The idea of the program is that when we hear someone’s story we are more likely to reassess our stereotype of people and “unjudge” them.

The Human Library® is, in the true sense of the word, a library of people. We host events where readers can borrow human beings serving as open books and have conversations they would not normally have access to. Every human book from our bookshelf, represent a group in our society that is often subjected to prejudice, stigmatization or discrimination because of their lifestyle, diagnosis, belief, disability, social status, ethnic origin etc. (From the Human Library website: https://humanlibrary.org/about/)

What is your story? Where would your book be on the Dewey Decimal shelf of life?

What a concept: spending time with a person to listen to their story in a safe setting. In some ways it is sad that we have to have an organized arrangement to learn to listen to people who might have a different point of view or lifestyle than ourselves. Reminds me of the person for hire who will walk with you and consequently listen to you. The paid walker is what we would call a really good friend.

Our recently deceased friend was a great reader- not so much of books but of people. As many said, “he never knew a stranger.” He was genuinely interested in listening to others and in hearing their stories. As we have been thinking about him and his interests, we realized his hobby was people: getting to know them, introducing different people who might not normally intersect and providing such warm hospitality that being in his presence made one feel safe and loved.

To be a good reader of books, one has to actually read books. Most people don’t just dive into English literature when they start to read. It is a process starting with easy book and gradually tackling the tougher ones like heavy literature or scientific tomes. Either way, it takes practice and in doing so, one becomes a good reader.

Similarly, it takes practice to become a good human “reader”. Sometimes it is trial and error to know the right questions to ask another in order to draw out their story. We might experience an awkwardness in our attempts to either tell our story or listen to another’s. But, practice we must with listening and telling, because each one of us has a story. Some stories might be quite dramatic while others more predictable. Some might seem like fantasy or technical exposes. Regardless of how they may be written, each of us has our own story to tell and can only be told in our own way.

What about you? Have you ever had a chance to “read” someone? To listen to their story? How did that make you feel? Connected to that person? Entrusted with their personal story? Change the way you thought of them? Have you ever been the book- shared your story with others? How did that make you feel? Vulnerable? Scared? Connected?

Sometimes I think that the more we let the facade of facebook or instagram be our stories, the more we obfuscate our true selves. We are allowing the computer algorithms to divide us into categories. We don’t have the chance to personally interact with one another and in doing so, make a discovery. For instance, in talking to the person we may pass on the street, we might serendipitously discover that we have a common interest. Shared interests bind people and communities together.

I haven’t been to our local library in a while. When I used to go, I would go home with an armful of books- some familiar topics and some completely new ones. It is always the book that I “just picked up” that would give me food for thought and inspiration. I imagine that is what a human library is all about.

Good Questions = Good Dialogue

You have probably heard the conundrum: Did you stop beating your dog?

Tricky because either a “yes” or “no” will put you in a terrible light: either you once beat your dog and now have stopped or you are currently beating your dog. The question sets you up and does not allow you for any explanation, like, “I have never beaten a dog”or even, “I don’t own a dog.”

Or the game of questions which has just one rule: say no to every question.

Are you ready to start?

If you answer “yes”, you have already lost. The crime/mystery/thriller novelist Laura Lippman wrote about this game in her recent memoir of essays. Her dad loved games and loved to win. She writes a loving essay about her dad’s competitiveness. This was one time that completely surprised him in that she answered an emphatic NO to the beginning question.

I have been thinking about questions lately since in recent days I have done the social faux pas of not asking guests enough questions about themselves. The art of conversation is the tossing back and forth of questions and answers. It keeps the parties engaged and builds/strengthens the relationship. While there was a give and take in these prior conversations, upon reflection, I felt that I was hogging the ball and not asking questions of things about which the others knew (and I wanted to know).

I think of those specific interrogatives that we learned in school: who, what, where, when, why, how? Whether we realize it or not, we go through the mental process of those questions with every interaction. For example, those questions can be applied to our current health crises. Even if we are not that interested anymore in Covid, we still have these type of questions: Who is impacted by the virus? What does it mean to have a positive diagnosis? Where did I contract it or where should I seek treatment? When do I need to receive a vaccination or when are we going back to “normal”? Why did this get out of control? How can we prevent another pandemic?

I also have been thinking about the questions that we pose to God, whether we believe or not: Who is God? What does it mean to believe in God? What does God want me to do? Where does God abide? When do I have to listen? When will I know that God heard? Why do I even care or why does God care for me? How do I go about knowing God? All questions that have been pondered since the dawn of time. What I find fascinating about the Bible is that it never gets old. It is the closest thing that we have for knowing/seeing/experiencing God. It is a tangible explanation and expression of our human understanding of God and His response and reaction to us. Many of the Psalms are the written “ball tossing” of King David and God.

I dialogue with God most of the time. Sometimes formally, in a posture of prayer or informally through some type of journaling, but most often in the breathing in/breathing out, going about my business discussions. More than peppering God with a lot of questions, I am trying to listen more to the answers and to the questions God might pose to me.

I think one of my biggest questions for God over the years is Why? Why is this happening? Why won’t God do some type of intervention? Why me (or her, or them)?

Of course the questions underscore my thoughts that I shouldn’t have anything bad happen to me or people I know especially if we have “played by the rules” or are “decent people”. The posed question of “why” still revolves around us and our thoughts and responses. It negates the fact that there is no guarantee in life and life is made up of many more components and people than just ourselves.

But is asking questions, especially of God, good? Asking questions is necessary for all careers: medical personnel, lawyers, teachers, service personnel - any kind of profession. It is necessary for life: from what berries will kill me (hunter/gathering days) to how do I turn on my computer (living in the digital age).

According to Harvard Business Review, questions are good for developing rapport among people, adding to our understanding, sparking innovation and re-thinking what we may already know. The following chart describes the two different types of conversations that we may find ourselves in: competitive or cooperative. Both types of conversations are ways we deal with others.

I think of the various questions that Jesus asked of his disciples and pharisees. He, the Great Physician and Master Psychologist asked questions in this way: Who do you say that I am? Why are you so afraid? Why did you doubt? What does scripture say?

I also think we can draw out questions in this mode as we dialogue with God. I like the tactics for the cooperative conversations as we question and answer God. I believe that God wants us to ask and answer questions and to have the ball tossing dialogue with Him. There is no “curve ball” that we can toss Him. As we read the Bible and as we pray, we can ask and have our questions answered. It is in that process that we learn, grow and build trust.

What about you? How are you with questions? Do you ask them? Or do you answer them? Have you ever questioned God? About what? Receive any answers? How are you and God with the ball tossing?

I heard once that the question for God is not Why? Rather one should ask, What (do you want me to do?) and How (do you want me to do it?). Those questions emit a ball tossing dialogue. I’m in.

Lessons From Dale

On a recent visit home, our son was telling us about life lessons he had recently heard on a podcast. On it, the producer reminded the listeners that to be a good conversationalist one has to be willing to learn. One needs to take the posture of listening and thinking to oneself- “What can I learn from this person who is talking?”

First edition, 11th printing (February 1937), Courtesy of Wikipedia

I love this idea. Which of course is nothing new. We should always treat others as if their presence is a gift to us: a gift of time, experience, advice, of being. It is one of the tenants from the still published and still offered courses by Dale Carnegie. HIs signature book was “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was first published in 1937 and is still in print. I never read the book nor took any of the courses yet have always been intrigued by that title. In some ways it seems so contrived and calculating: to win friends and intentionally influence others. Yet that is what we do or try to do with one another whether we want to think it happens or not.

According to Wikipedia the book was broken down into different sections: things that the book will do for you (presumably if you pay the money for the course and/or books); fundamental techniques for handling people; ways to make people like you; ways to influence people to the way you think; how to be a leader without giving people offense or feeling of resentment; letters that produce miraculous results (removed in later editions of the book) and ways to make your home life happier (again, removed in subsequent re-printings of the book).

Part of his explanation of making people like you is to take a genuine interest in others and listen to what they say. That does seem cold and calculating and not at all organic. However, the rationale that by listening, we may learn something new is a great posture of humble listening: To recognize value in each interaction with one another and that in that interaction, someone may teach us something new.

The thing that I have noticed lately is the lack of one another really listening. (I include myself with this.) There is no longer the art of conversation but rather joint monologues. I think of the “play dates” for two-year-olds. At that age, there is not interactive play- just side by side individual play. Our conversations are like that. One person will speak and another will speak either over top of that person or interrupt or continue on a totally different wavelength and/or topic. Very rarely is there a conversation where the conversational ball gets tossed back and forth with the addition of new and interesting information being shared. It is almost as if everyone has a limited time to get his/her point across about any topic and so conversations become this quick exchange of “my” information.

I do think that the time factor is part of the problem. Our days are jam packed with transactions: running here and there, trying to accomplish whatever we deem important. We don’t get a chance to really speak to the people we know and love in our lives nor much less listen to the peripheral people that we bump shoulders with- the customers in the grocery store, at the gas pump, folks who are walking down the street, and in some cases the people living next door to us.

Just yesterday I was able to truly listen to a stranger and it was only due to the fact that I had some extra time. My friend and I had gone grocery shopping together and as my order was smaller, I was finished sooner than she. In one aisle I encountered a gentleman who was having a little trouble seeing the items on the shelves and so I made a brief comment to help him out. This led to a ten minute discussion where the man told me some of his life story.

The whole time I was with him because I was thinking of my son’s comment about his podcast, I consciously thought, “Be present with him. Really listen and recognize the gift that he has brought to your day.” It was a wonderful discussion. Now in all honesty, I didn’t learn any encyclopedic knowledge but I did get a taste of what I have been thinking and writing about. Plus the chore of going to the store didn’t seem so burdensome. After this encounter I began wondering, What next? Whom will I meet at the next place? I was prepared to keep my eyes and ears opened.

What about you? What are your interactions with people like? Are they strictly transactional? Do you listen? Could you repeat back what you have been told? Do you know the eye color of the person who just spoke to you? I realized that many times I see people with out truly seeing them.

In my encounter at the grocery store, I intentionally wanted to connect and so I saw him and his interesting pale almost amber/brown eyes. Of course, in this day and age we need to be smart. You don’t want to have the reputation of the creepy starer in the neighborhood or being accused of longingly looking at a person when all you are doing is trying to look them in the eye. But I know for myself I need to be more intentional in my listening skills and part of that requires me to zero in on the face of the speaker.

I do not know how much I win friends or influence people and that is really not my intent. I think the beauty of the lessons is to connect with others and build community. When we have an understanding community, we will win friends and influence others for the betterment of society.

No Grudges

"Who?  Me?  Did you want something?"

What would our world be without our dogs? Less nuts, that's for sure.  

Our Jack Russells, especially the male can drive us crazy! When he gets fixated on something, he completely ignores us. We know that it is due to our poor dog parenting but we can call his name numerous times demanding that he comes inside.  No response.  Eventually he will turn his head and look at us with a glance, "Oh, were you calling me?"  Like there are a dozen Marley's from which to choose? 

The thing is, when he finally comes in we are exhausted and enraged.  How dare he not listen to us?  Don't we provide him shelter, food and plenty of toys? He is a dog and we are his masters.

He is infuriating. Of course, by the time he skips upstairs after his non-listening foray (generally this occurs after going outside @ 4am, doing his business and then barking at nothing until I am thoroughly awake from calling him to come in), he is all ready to continue with his normal routine: leap onto our bed, stick his nose under the covers, sidle next to me, place his head in the crook of my arm and sigh.  Acting like nothing was ever the matter.  He isn't at all bothered by the tone of my voice as I yelled at him to come in.  It doesn't bother him that I will kick him out of bed, possibly numerous times.  He doesn't hold it against us.  He will continue to try and snuggle.

Other times after we have yelled at him we have tried the tactic of completely ignoring him.  Doesn't matter, he will still try to engage us with a game of ball or tug of war. He will forage in his toy bucket for just the right chew toy to entice us to play with him.  His leaping, turning and rolling suggests that he is so happy to have someone with whom to play and you should be happy too. 

Guess that is why I love dogs.  They are so forgiving and loving.  They do not hold a grudge.  They continually remind me to enjoy the present: don't get hung up on the past and don't worry about the future. Nothing in life is ever too much to bear that a good chase of a ball won't cure. 

What about you?  Do you have any pets?  Dogs?  Cats? Hamsters?  Fish?  What have you learned from being around those creatures? 

NOTE: On Wednesday, April 12th the Upper Room devotional will be running my devotional entitled, "The Path of Mercy".  As readers, you can go online, Click Here and comment on the devotional.  I was asked to provide a follow up so you can read that there as well. 

Sent By God

Last month I wrote about Lisa Fenn, Dartanyon Crockett and Leroy Sutton- the remarkable individuals from the ESPN Carry On story.   On another radio program I heard a more extensive interview with Lisa.  She gave more details regarding her involvement with these young men.

When Lisa arrived at the Cleveland High School to film the boys she first met the wrestling coach.  He shook her hand and pulled her in a little close so he could speak privately to her.  "You've been sent by God", he said.   He had been praying for these boys every day that God would send something/someone to help them.  

Little did Lisa know that when she saw the newspaper photo of the boys that the pull she felt was a God pull.  

How cool is that?  That she was willing to go with her instinct, gut, calling- whatever you might name it- and follow where it led. 

Later, during the filming of the boys at a match, one of them had all their possessions stollen- wallet, phone, books, money, etc.  He was devastated and mad.  How could someone do that to him, when that was all he had?  At that point, Lisa said she made the choice to get involved.  As a journalist, she knew that her role was to just report and observe. One is not to influence the trajectory of a story but she didn't know how she couldn't.   What bravery on her part to get involved, not knowing how it might turn out, not knowing if she completely compromised her journalistic integrity.  But it was the right thing to do.

Got me thinking.  Do I listen to the still small voice of God?  Do I get involved?  Am I willing to be sent by God?

What about you?  Have you ever had an experience where you were placed right where you needed to be in order to help someone else?  Did you weigh the costs before hand or was the pull greater than any risk? 

Summer Movies

As I shared last time, there were two movies that we saw over vacation that we liked:  "The Finest Hours" and " St. Vincent".  In some ways, both were stories of unwittingly heroic people.  One was based on a true story and the other was a story.  They were inspirational, encouraging and life affirming. 

St. Vincent is the story of a "young boy whose parents have just divorced finds an unlikely friend and mentor in the misanthropic, bawdy, hedonistic war veteran who lives next door."   The movie stars Bill Murray, Melissa McCarthy and Naomi Watts. Great acting (the child actor who stars as the young boy is wonderful) and a feel good movie.  Reminds me that unlikely heroes are all around us.

"The Finest Hours" is the true story (as only Hollywood calls "true") of the greatest small boat Coast Guard rescue of all time.  Four Coast Guard men in a 36 foot Coast Guard motor boat made the daring and miraculous rescue of 32 merchant mariners during a Nor'easter off the coast of Chatham, MA in 1952.  The mariners were stranded on the stern section of the SS Pendleton.  The Coast Guard men had to navigate through an extremely difficult section of sea (the Chatham bar- area of lots of shoals, shifting sands and where the waves make traversing perilous) We saw the film in Chatham and listened to a brief discussion and Q&A by the author of the book with the same name.  

The thing that I find amazing about the rescue- all four men would say that they were just doing their jobs, nothing heroic or extraordinary.  In fact, they never wanted to talk about their story. All four men selflessly chose to risk mortal danger in the attempt to rescue others.  By all accounts, they never should've made it. 

During the Q & A after the film, the author relayed that one of the seaman after leaving the coast guard got a job as a janitor at an elementary school.  As the author said, "How many of those people walking past him each day realized that they were in the presence of a true hero?"

Makes me wonder, how many people do I pass each day who have an extraordinary story? Or, in encountering people like the irascible Bill Murray character in St. Vincent, do I write off and think that they have nothing to contribute?   Both movies remind me that I need to listen more to the people with whom I come in contact.  Both movies remind me that I need to take time to get to know others and to hear their stories.  Both movies remind me that I need to be empathetic to those whom I encounter. 

What about you?  Have you ever encountered someone who had an extraordinary story? Someone who, unless you took the time to listen, is overlooked?  What did you learn?  How did that person's story inspire and encourage you? 

Click here to read about the rescue.

Click here to read more about the rescue.