Good Questions = Good Dialogue

Image: https://sharpmagazine.com/2016/11/01/why-you-should-play-catch-with-your-son/

You have probably heard the conundrum: Did you stop beating your dog?

Tricky because either a “yes” or “no” will put you in a terrible light: either you once beat your dog and now have stopped or you are currently beating your dog. The question sets you up and does not allow you for any explanation, like, “I have never beaten a dog”or even, “I don’t own a dog.”

Or the game of questions which has just one rule: say no to every question.

Are you ready to start?

If you answer “yes”, you have already lost. The crime/mystery/thriller novelist Laura Lippman wrote about this game in her recent memoir of essays. Her dad loved games and loved to win. She writes a loving essay about her dad’s competitiveness. This was one time that completely surprised him in that she answered an emphatic NO to the beginning question.

I have been thinking about questions lately since in recent days I have done the social faux pas of not asking guests enough questions about themselves. The art of conversation is the tossing back and forth of questions and answers. It keeps the parties engaged and builds/strengthens the relationship. While there was a give and take in these prior conversations, upon reflection, I felt that I was hogging the ball and not asking questions of things about which the others knew (and I wanted to know).

I think of those specific interrogatives that we learned in school: who, what, where, when, why, how? Whether we realize it or not, we go through the mental process of those questions with every interaction. For example, those questions can be applied to our current health crises. Even if we are not that interested anymore in Covid, we still have these type of questions: Who is impacted by the virus? What does it mean to have a positive diagnosis? Where did I contract it or where should I seek treatment? When do I need to receive a vaccination or when are we going back to “normal”? Why did this get out of control? How can we prevent another pandemic?

I also have been thinking about the questions that we pose to God, whether we believe or not: Who is God? What does it mean to believe in God? What does God want me to do? Where does God abide? When do I have to listen? When will I know that God heard? Why do I even care or why does God care for me? How do I go about knowing God? All questions that have been pondered since the dawn of time. What I find fascinating about the Bible is that it never gets old. It is the closest thing that we have for knowing/seeing/experiencing God. It is a tangible explanation and expression of our human understanding of God and His response and reaction to us. Many of the Psalms are the written “ball tossing” of King David and God.

I dialogue with God most of the time. Sometimes formally, in a posture of prayer or informally through some type of journaling, but most often in the breathing in/breathing out, going about my business discussions. More than peppering God with a lot of questions, I am trying to listen more to the answers and to the questions God might pose to me.

I think one of my biggest questions for God over the years is Why? Why is this happening? Why won’t God do some type of intervention? Why me (or her, or them)?

Of course the questions underscore my thoughts that I shouldn’t have anything bad happen to me or people I know especially if we have “played by the rules” or are “decent people”. The posed question of “why” still revolves around us and our thoughts and responses. It negates the fact that there is no guarantee in life and life is made up of many more components and people than just ourselves.

But is asking questions, especially of God, good? Asking questions is necessary for all careers: medical personnel, lawyers, teachers, service personnel - any kind of profession. It is necessary for life: from what berries will kill me (hunter/gathering days) to how do I turn on my computer (living in the digital age).

According to Harvard Business Review, questions are good for developing rapport among people, adding to our understanding, sparking innovation and re-thinking what we may already know. The following chart describes the two different types of conversations that we may find ourselves in: competitive or cooperative. Both types of conversations are ways we deal with others.

I think of the various questions that Jesus asked of his disciples and pharisees. He, the Great Physician and Master Psychologist asked questions in this way: Who do you say that I am? Why are you so afraid? Why did you doubt? What does scripture say?

I also think we can draw out questions in this mode as we dialogue with God. I like the tactics for the cooperative conversations as we question and answer God. I believe that God wants us to ask and answer questions and to have the ball tossing dialogue with Him. There is no “curve ball” that we can toss Him. As we read the Bible and as we pray, we can ask and have our questions answered. It is in that process that we learn, grow and build trust.

What about you? How are you with questions? Do you ask them? Or do you answer them? Have you ever questioned God? About what? Receive any answers? How are you and God with the ball tossing?

I heard once that the question for God is not Why? Rather one should ask, What (do you want me to do?) and How (do you want me to do it?). Those questions emit a ball tossing dialogue. I’m in.

No Answers, Only Questions

As I sit to write this morning, I feel the heaviness of life not going according to plan.  As a reader reminded me by quoting John Lennon,  "Life is what happens when you are busy making others plans."

In some ways that is true.  We can have the best laid plans but the reality of our lives is what actually happens.  I am also reminded of a dear friend who remarked that many times things for her would "go wrong" when she planned a project, e.g. ran out fabric or paint, etc. However, the final result after having to adapt to the new situation, was better than originally planned. 

I am holding onto that image.

I feel that I am constantly battling trying to stay positive and hopeful versus despair over not being able to accomplish that which I thought was my calling.   I am battling the feeling of guilt for wanting to be left alone in order to work and for feeling resentment of others who do not understand.  I am battling the concept of looking at the interruptions as my current calling and work and having to put my writing aside. I am battling the self-centered desire to tell everyone about my "terrible" situation (poor me- wah, wah ) and in wanting to be forbearing and gracious in my handling a tough situation.  

Each day I go through these mental gymnastics.  I thought I might be getting a handle of the life interrupted by trying to reframe my expectations.  (see last post)  I had given myself permission to work on some new projects, complete some old ones and to explore work/life balance.  I was planning that this August would be one of experimentation and solution. 

It has been ten days of testing my resolve. There have been daily interruptions of extended family needs and the interruptions are not of the couple minutes or hour variety but ones that take up the whole day's time.  

I thought I was on to some type of answers:  I began each day thinking I will actually get to do some work. (I planned and marked my calendar for it.)  I also began each day trying to be open to some interruptions or changes.  But what has actually happened is totally beyond what I planned or imagined.  Makes me wonder what God is trying to tell me through this ordeal.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I have no answers.  Whatsoever.  Only questions for you: 

How do you balance work and life?

How do you set boundaries with family members?

How do you manage the feeling of selfish guilt when you are trying to be true to yourself?

How do you not feel guilty when you say no because you are trying to earn a wage? 

How do you manage your time? 

If you have struggled with this issue, what did you learn about yourself, others and God through it? 

I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. I do not think I am alone in this problem of feeling that everyone else is determining my daily schedule.  I think many of us feel that we have no control in what we are doing.  I also recognize that this is the life stage that I am in, as I have no choice in some of the interruptions.  Just like I imagine there might be no choices for some of you.  But I also cannot help but think there must be a better way- a way which would honor those who are "interrupting", would honor that which makes each one of us unique and a way which would honor God through our care of ourselves and others.

I was comforted during the morning's Bible reading.  What I love about the Psalms is that David pours his heart out to God.  No holding back.  I feel that I can do the same.  I want answers from God. 

Psalm 62:8, "Trust Him at all times, o people; Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us." Psalm 69:16, "Hid not your face from your servant, for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."   

So what about you?  Any answers?