As I sit to write this morning, I feel the heaviness of life not going according to plan. As a reader reminded me by quoting John Lennon, "Life is what happens when you are busy making others plans."
In some ways that is true. We can have the best laid plans but the reality of our lives is what actually happens. I am also reminded of a dear friend who remarked that many times things for her would "go wrong" when she planned a project, e.g. ran out fabric or paint, etc. However, the final result after having to adapt to the new situation, was better than originally planned.
I am holding onto that image.
I feel that I am constantly battling trying to stay positive and hopeful versus despair over not being able to accomplish that which I thought was my calling. I am battling the feeling of guilt for wanting to be left alone in order to work and for feeling resentment of others who do not understand. I am battling the concept of looking at the interruptions as my current calling and work and having to put my writing aside. I am battling the self-centered desire to tell everyone about my "terrible" situation (poor me- wah, wah ) and in wanting to be forbearing and gracious in my handling a tough situation.
Each day I go through these mental gymnastics. I thought I might be getting a handle of the life interrupted by trying to reframe my expectations. (see last post) I had given myself permission to work on some new projects, complete some old ones and to explore work/life balance. I was planning that this August would be one of experimentation and solution.
It has been ten days of testing my resolve. There have been daily interruptions of extended family needs and the interruptions are not of the couple minutes or hour variety but ones that take up the whole day's time.
I thought I was on to some type of answers: I began each day thinking I will actually get to do some work. (I planned and marked my calendar for it.) I also began each day trying to be open to some interruptions or changes. But what has actually happened is totally beyond what I planned or imagined. Makes me wonder what God is trying to tell me through this ordeal.
So, I have come to the conclusion that I have no answers. Whatsoever. Only questions for you:
How do you balance work and life?
How do you set boundaries with family members?
How do you manage the feeling of selfish guilt when you are trying to be true to yourself?
How do you not feel guilty when you say no because you are trying to earn a wage?
How do you manage your time?
If you have struggled with this issue, what did you learn about yourself, others and God through it?
I would be interested in hearing your thoughts. I do not think I am alone in this problem of feeling that everyone else is determining my daily schedule. I think many of us feel that we have no control in what we are doing. I also recognize that this is the life stage that I am in, as I have no choice in some of the interruptions. Just like I imagine there might be no choices for some of you. But I also cannot help but think there must be a better way- a way which would honor those who are "interrupting", would honor that which makes each one of us unique and a way which would honor God through our care of ourselves and others.
I was comforted during the morning's Bible reading. What I love about the Psalms is that David pours his heart out to God. No holding back. I feel that I can do the same. I want answers from God.
Psalm 62:8, "Trust Him at all times, o people; Pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us." Psalm 69:16, "Hid not your face from your servant, for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."
So what about you? Any answers?