Stuck
Do you feel stuck or trapped? In a situation that has no end? Or a relationship that is going no where? Or in a predicament that has no way out? Do you feel that you are in a pit?
I think that is a common feeling. In my little anecdotal life, I have heard friends and family members say that they feel that they are in a tangled knot that only seems to get tighter which squeezes any hope out of their lives. Being a person of faith doesn’t necessarily mean that we have a knot-free life nor that we can always untangle these knots ourselves, but faith can give us perspective- a hold-on for just one more day, one more hour, one more minute and trusting that in God’s timing, the knot will loosen.
I remember hearing author Louise Penny speak about her life. Early in her life, she was a successful journalist for Canadian Broadcasting Corporation but was, for whatever her reasons, a functioning alcoholic. She became quite depressed and thought her life was at an end- a tangled knot with no way out. As she says, she contemplated taking her life and if she had had access to a gun, she most probably would. But she stuck it out and in a little while, she met her husband and stopped drinking. Her point in telling others of her struggle is to encourage them to just hang on and hang in there. Not that she dismisses a person’s feeling of despair because it was quite real for her but that she hopes her story would encourage others that if she could hang on and find hope to loosen the grip of despair, so can others. There is hope.
I do not know her faith background but I do know mine. I have been in difficult situations that seemed never to change nor end, but through God’s grace and mercy, I was able to stick through and see that things did change. There is hope. God was right there with me. He cared about the things I cared about and worried about. He is faithful in His promises.
Not that it is easy. When the grip of despair tightens our thoughts, it is very hard to shake it loose. I know that I can feel abandoned and at times a petulant child, demanding. “Why is this happening to me? Don’t you care, God?” I become stubborn in listening or thinking of any other suggestions to getting out of the predicament and want to fold my arms in defiance of any help, instead preferring to remain where I am.
Many years ago our women’s Bible study read one of Beth Moore’s studies: Get Out of that Pit. She talked about the many ways we get into a pit, the way we can get out of it and the life that can be lived post pit. I was always struck by the many different ways we can get into a pit: sometimes it is due to others (pushed in), sometimes it can be inadvertently (slide in) or sometimes it is our own choices (jump in). She reminds us that only God can be our deliverer from the pit; anyone or anything else will lead us back to the same or another pit. She explains that there are three steps out of the pit: cry out, confess, consent. To cry out reminds me of author Anne Lamott saying that the only words/prayers we need to say are help, thanks, and wow. Crying out is our prayer for help. Naming and recognizing we need help is the first step. Confessing clears the way for God to work in our lives. Confession is more than just saying our sins- it’s about sharing with God all our thoughts- what’s on our mind- any bitterness, anger, secrets, hurts. Lastly, Moore says we get out of the pit when we consent to God’s will for our life. “Beloved, God’s will is for you to get out of that pit. If you will consent to the process, waiting upon God as He begins shifting, shoving, and rearranging things for your release, you can go ahead and start getting excited, because it will happen. Just as God promises in His Word.”
Like so much that is broken in our world, I believe that it is only through God that reconciliation and restoration can occur. It is only through God that the knot can be loosened. Yet I also believe that God gave us (humankind) minds to use and to help one another. Like the old joke of the person waiting for God to rescue him as he was stranded on his rooftop during a flood and refusing help from the various persons sent to aide him. Eventually he drowned and on entering the pearly gates, the gentleman complained to God that he wasn’t rescued, to which God says, “But I sent you a raft, boat and plane.”
Here are some thoughts for getting unstuck:
Remember. When we are feeling stuck we need to remember. Our Hebrew ancestors were always called to remember- especially remembering the Exodus out of Egypt. Talk about being stuck- they were slaves, in forced labor, living with increasingly harsh conditions, fear of losing their children to crazy leadership decrees, with no prospect of change in the situation. Yet, change happened in God’s timing. Remember God’s promises and deliverance, not only as witnessed in others but in one’s own life.
Pray scripture. Say Bible verses as your affirmations/prayers. Many times we do not have the words- we do not know how to begin getting unstuck. Let the supernatural power of God’s words speak into your life. Not sure where to begin- try the Psalms.
Let go. List all the reasons why you stay in the situation- honestly grapple with your feelings. Do you like being in the pit? Have you been there so long, it is now your identity? Are there things in the past that are holding you there? Actions/situations that you blame yourself, or others? Do you need to forgive yourself? Others? Once the reasons are noted, let them go.
Life beyond the pit. List all the reasons why you want to get out of a situation. What would being out of the pit, look like? If you approached your situation with a different attitude, what would that look like?
Practice Self-care. Many times when we are in a difficult predicament, we do not care for ourselves. Why bother we may ask? I am not worth it, we say. It is in those times that we need to tend to ourselves: try to get sleep, eat healthy, get some physical exercise, help another person.
More info. Do you need more information or help in “pulling the knot” and getting out of this pit? Do you need to speak to a counselor? Take time to really talk with a trusted friend?
Make a small change. A veterinarian cousin once said that on the days he had surgery, he liked to “warm up” with some neutering or spaying. Small surgeries that got his fingers nimble for any larger ones during the day. Sometimes all it takes to get unstuck and moving is to do one little thing. That little change becomes like the needle that helps loosen the knot.
When one is in a pit, one needs to look up- metaphorically and physically. Sometimes, just getting outside, being in nature, seeing the wonder all around us, both on the earth and in the sky, can help keep our lives in perspective. It can be the beginning of the process of getting out of the pit.
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3.
Just arrived- my copies to which I contributed!
Moving Lessons
One of the reasons that I have scaled back my weekly postings is that at the end of this month my husband and I will be moving out of state. For the near future, I have to focus on the move, saying good-bye to people, and finishing up job deadlines. (Hence, my on-the-5th-of-each month posting.)
It is quite a bittersweet time for us. Except for four years at college, my husband has lived all his life in Maryland and the majority of those years, he has lived less than 2 miles from his boyhood home. I have lived in Maryland my whole adult life, coming here for college at seventeen and not leaving. It is a great little state. It has four seasons, (though to be honest, sometimes it feels like winter, 1 day of spring, then summer, 1 day of fall then back to winter), beaches, mountains, small towns, a large city with diverse neighborhoods. It has a rich history, wonderful higher educational centers and world renowned health care. Even so, we have felt the increasing pull of New England.
I have been thinking about why people move. According to The Joint Center for Housing Studies at Harvard University-
Ahh. If only we had just one box to worry about. Alas, our home is filled with many. Prospective homes might be staged in “shades of grey”, but our current home is decorated ala cardboard.
“People move for a variety of reasons, but the most common motivator is housing. According to the CPS [Current Population Survey of US Census Bureau], which contains a question about the primary motivation for moving, 40 percent of movers did so for housing-related reasons in 2019, 27 percent moved for family-related reasons, 21 percent for job-related reasons, and 12 percent for other reasons. This breaks down differently by type of move, however. Local moves are primarily motivated by housing, but long-distance moves are primarily motivated by jobs. The only exception is for older Americans, who make long-distance moves for family-related reasons more than job-related reasons.” *
In 2021, 27.1 million Americans moved or about 8.4% of the population. In 1998 approximately 16% of the American population moved. It is interesting that the percentage is down given our portable, digital world. Work can dictate where we live but ever increasingly that is changing. One thing we learned with the pandemic is that with modern technology, one can live anywhere. “Digital nomads” I have heard it coined. Family obligations can also determine where we live. We stayed in our area longer than originally planned because we were caring for our respective parents.
Staying here has its benefits: our home, our relationships, our church, our activities, our work and our routines are all familiar and comfortable. Moving disrupts everything- our work schedules and planned activities. Extra time is needed in readying one’s house for sale, the decisions of what and what not to pack, packing and the working out of the logistics in the move. There is nothing familiar or comfortable about our home right now. “Where is the (fill in the blank)? one of us will ask. “Packed.” will come the reply.
For us, the decision to move was practical. We weighed our family (our sons and respective families will probably end up in the North East), our jobs (we do have flexibility to work from home), our interests (we want to be able to travel to our beach house but also be close to a city for mass transit, health care, education and fine art) and most importantly to be ready for what we feel God is calling us to do in the next couple of decades we have left to live. (God willing, if we are so blessed.)
Most times I am not a particularly patient person. I don’t even like to walk up steps- I tend to run up or down, impatient to get to the next level.
This move has brought me to a whole new level of learning about patience or rather, contentment with each day. While we were able to sell our home quite quickly, finding the next place to live has been a challenge. The housing market is tough for buyers at this point. But I have such an incredible feeling of peace that the right house is there, we just have to wait for God’s timing. I am content with each day as it unfolds: whether it is a day of packing, lunch with friends or looking at homes.
One thing I have observed is that I am learning to live in the moment. Because we do not have a new home yet, I cannot plan or think about the future. My only concern is what unfolds each day: writing, packing, spending time with friends, chatting with neighbors, walking the dog. I haven’t stopped planning per se, (too much of a list-maker/planner, not to have some ideas), but I really cannot spend too much time doing that. What I have noticed is that when folks gather, there tends to be a focus on discussing future plans rather than what they are actually doing at that moment. I wonder, how much time do we spend planning future activities and not enjoying the current day’s activities? I get it. If you never make plans, you most likely will not have future activities. But, shouldn’t there be a balance? Jesus reminded us that we need not be anxious for tomorrow that there is enough to be concerned about for today. I think the reminder is not only for things that cause anxiety and troubles but also on our day-to-day focus.
Some Moving Lessons Learned:
If you have five minutes, pack something.
Don’t put off spending time with anyone, thinking that time will come around again. It very rarely does.
Paint the inside of your closet first. (or storage cabinet or any type of storage unit. Once the area gets filled, you will never paint it again.)
As careful as you may be with packing and moving, inevitably something will get broken. While it can be upsetting, at the end of the day they are just things.
Remember the feeling of freedom in the staged home so that the new home doesn’t become as cluttered as the old.
As much as the new home may be exciting and fresh, you are still moving the same junk, the same attitude, the same you into the home. Same contents, new packaging.
“A man’s (woman’s) heart plans the way, but the Lord determines his (her) steps.”
What about you? Have you ever moved? From where to where? For what reason? What lessons have you learned along the way?
When they list stressful life events, moving is one of the top ones. Sure, it can be nerve-wracking and troublesome. We have been incredibly blessed during this move- we recognize that we are fortunate in that we have options but it has still been tough. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and practice contentment as we wait for the next chapter in our lives. I’ll keep you all posted as to where we “land”.
*https://www.jchs.harvard.edu/blog/who-is-moving-and-why-seven-questions-about-residential-mobility
Lilac
First time blooming. It has been at least ten years since I transplanted the wandering off-shoot from my neighbor’s old lilac bush.
I love lilacs. They are one of the first flowers that I identified with as a child. I think it is because my mom loved lilacs. We had a bush around our house. Each spring my mom would cut some of the fragrant blooms and arrange them in a white with green-leaved-patterned vase and place it on the stereo system cabinet in the living room. (This was the place for any floral arrangement.) The blooms were so fragrant, wafting throughout our split-level home.
When we bought our present house, I was pleasantly surprised to find that there were lilacs on the border of our side yard. My surprise was short-lived however when I discovered that the bushes belonged to the neighbors next door. Then one year, the bush spread out and sent a root under the fence into our yard. Calling on the neighborhood law of “if it hangs or comes over to your side (the imaginary line in the middle of two properties) you have the right to do anything with it.” So, I dug up the lilac wanderer and transplanted it to another area in our garden.
When I transplanted it, the lilac was only a stick. Many times I had to remind myself not to pull it out. Over the years, the stick grew. After it grew into a recognizable bush form it appeared healthy yet still there were no blooms in sight.
This year- voila! It has not one or two blooms, but is full of them. When I first saw it, I was so excited. I did my spring clean-up late this year so was shocked to see the blooms. The more I have been puttering around the garden, the more I have enjoyed the entire bush: its delicious scent, the gentle rustling of the heart-shaped leaves, and the space it now occupies in the garden.
It has made me think about life and time.
We (and I include myself most definitely in that collective) are impatient people, wanting things here and now. Sadly, that is my nature more than I care to admit or want to behave. I am especially impatient with God. Why hasn’t this happened, NOW? Or I will demand action from Him when I think there has been sufficient time between the initial request. How absurd and foolish on my part. Who am I to think that I can speak to the Creator of time in that way?
God’s timing is not our own. There are many examples in the Bible and in people’s lives (myself included) that things happen in a completely different time frame than from what is expected. Noah and his family and ALL the animals waited inside the arc for over a week before any rain fell. Sarah and Abraham waited twenty-five years from the promise of a great nation to when Isaac was born. David waited over fifteen years from when he was anointed king to when he actually ruled.
Time and time again in my life I have had delays in situations that I thought should’ve been handled more quickly. I think of the time when we were trying to sell our former house. It was the home my husband lived in as a bachelor and then we lived there as a married couple. But, after our first child was born, we knew we needed to move into a bigger abode. We tried selling it ourselves and then with a realtor.
Nada. Nothing. No bites. I would see other houses that would sell but ours didn’t. I kept praying, “Please Lord. You know how cramped we are. Please bring the right buyer for our home.” Eventually we decided to take the home off the market and make the best of the situation.
Two years later, we were expecting another child. We thought “this is a good time to sell and look for another house.” So, we put the house on the market. We had a different agent and a different plan.
Once again, Nada. Nothing. No bites. Not that we didn’t have people look at the house: we had a blind person”feel” the walls and property, a doctor inquiring if it would be a medical office (did I say that it was located on a hill- very steep steps from the main road to the front door?), numerous people asking about the third bedroom (of which there was none- otherwise we might have stayed ourselves).
Time passed. Our second son was born and we decided, I guess the timing wasn’t right again.
Unbeknownst to us, our realtor hadn’t removed the MLS listing. We got a call about two weeks after we took our house off the market- someone wanted to look at the house. Not only look but purchase! It was an answer to prayer. The thing is, only now as we look back do we see God’s perfect timing: by the time we were to buy the house, we received some inherited funds that allowed us to not worry about mortgage payments. As we experienced some lean times over the subsequent years (another story of God’s provision) we were able to not worry about mortgage bills.
Had I had my impatient way- buying a house a couple of years earlier- we would’ve been living in a much-too-big-for-us-to-afford-type house, our children wouldn’t have lived around the corner from Grandparents nor would they have learned the lesson of financial peace and security.
God’s timing is not our timing. It is better.
If our lilac had bloomed initially when it was a stick, it would’ve been straggly. The blooms would’ve been too much for developing branches and might have caused the bush to become stressed, diseased and died. As it looks now, it is well shaped, the limbs can withstand the heavy blossoms, and I suspect that next year we will get even more blossoms.
Sometimes we are not developed enough to withstand the full force of the situation we are asking God. If I had married the person that I thought was “THE one” of my teenage years who knows what disaster would’ve befallen me. I needed to grow up and experience life before I was ready to meet and marry my husband.
Sometimes the waiting isn’t all about us and our specific needs. While God’s ways are mysterious and He has the power to meet everyone’s needs simultaneously, sometimes our waiting is what is needed for the situation to work out for someone else. In the case of our selling our former home, my husband’s grandfather was waiting to see his second great-grandson. Our son was only three days old when we brought him to the nursing home. Pop got to hold him and visit for an afternoon. The next morning Pop died in his sleep. He was a couple months shy of his 103rd birthday when he met our son.
What about you? Do you have plans or are in a situation that seems to not be moving along or growing in any way? Are you tired of waiting? Do you feel that everyone else is blooming around you and you are not?
Hang in there. I know that I am. Some days the wait is really hard but it is worth it. Look at my lilacs!
Here is a bouquet of lilacs from the ten-year old bush, fashioned in my mother’s old white vase.
Some verses to help keep you going. No surprise that many of the encouraging verses comes from the Psalms- the most authentic, “this is how I feel” verses in the Bible. I know that I have to hold on to them, some days more tightly than others:
I waited patiently for the Lord; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD. (Psalm 40: 1-3)
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. (Psalm 37: 7-9)
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27:14)
O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch. (Psalm 5:3)