A Dream Deferred

The first of many contributing devotionals through the Guideposts organization. Strength & Grace: https://www.shopguideposts.org/magazines/strength-and-grace-magazine.html.

Recently a friend of mine who has known me almost my entire adult life said that he felt the “old me” was back. He recognized that I had had some trying times the last couple of years and that at our last meeting he felt that I was back as the person of yore.

On one hand I felt honored that he cared enough to say something and that he recognized my distress over the years. On the other, I was embarrassed to think that perhaps I didn’t exhibit as much “grace under pressure” as I had hoped or thought I had over those years. Yikes!

But the more I thought about it, I realized that my return to the “old me” was due to resurrecting a dream deferred. Laying aside a dream is kind of like checking a coat: When you cannot keep a coat with you- whether visiting a museum, theater or dinner, you turn it in to an attendant who hangs it up on a numbered hanger. In return you get a chit or piece of paper with an identifying corresponding number or letter on it. Your items are carefully stored and watched and when you are done with whatever you are doing, you turn in your chit for your respective item. You don’t have to worry about your checked items. They are being attended to by the attendant.

For a good number of years, I had to lay aside my writing plans in order to attend to the needs of others. At the time I felt that I had thrown away those plans and the thought crushed my soul. I was internally angry, upset and disappointed. It was especially hard because I thought that writing was my “calling” and God’s plan for my life. I was doubting whether I had “heard” correctly?

I hadn’t gotten it “wrong”, I just had to wait. In essence I was just checking the dreams: they were still there. I just had to delay until the time was right for me to collect them.

My hopes and dreams were put on a shelf for a little while. At the time I thought they were completely dried up and the thought did make my heart sick. I didn’t think that many people noticed but my friend must’ve recognized something. When we are disappointed with life we do have a tendency to change our demeanor. I just wished that I had realized that even though the dream was deferred, it was still there. God was carefully storing and watching over them. If I had realized that, I would’ve appreciated that deferred time better. I wouldn’t have wasted energy kicking, screaming and behaving badly before God. In essence, I would’ve enjoyed the meal and not worried about my checked coat.

The thing is, the experiences that I had while my dreams were “sitting” have aided me in what I am doing now. In truth, nothing is wasted in God’s economy. Even our disappointments can be used for good. I realized that my feeling “heart sick” was not necessarily the delayed dream but the feeling of hopelessness that it wouldn’t happen. When hope seems lost there is despair and anger. I was mad at God. I couldn’t understand why He would put the creative desire in my soul to just let me languish. That is what I got “wrong”: God’s timing. It wasn’t that the dream was gone but that it was to be deferred. God’s timing was different than mine and so much better.

What about you? Have you had to defer a dream? How did that make you feel? How long did you have it deferred? Did the dream change while you were waiting?

While the Bible speaks to what happens without hope (“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12), it also speaks to waiting: “But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and never be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31). In some translations the word “hope” is used for “wait”.

Recently I discovered that the play “A Raisin in the Sun” by Lorraine Hansberry got its title from the Langston Hughes poem, Harlem. While I agree with the descriptions of what it feels like to have a dream deferred, I would also want to encourage him to hold on- that even in a deferred dream there is hope. There is always hope.

Harlem by Langston Hughes:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore—

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over—

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Grown Up Christmas List

What is on your Christmas List?  Did you ever write one when you were little?  Do you still make them out? Or have you given up the practice? 

I guess I wrote a Christmas list when I was little. With my love of lists I am sure that I must've. Funny that I can't remember any specific one.  

I also cannot remember pleading and cajoling my parents for a specific toy or gift.  I am sure that I did hound them. My parents probably had the annual holiday headache over hearing me talk about an item and in trying to acquire said item.  Yet I cannot remember ever getting the "popular" sold out toy.  I don't think that phenomenon was around when I was little.  (I think that started with the Cabbage Patch Kids which was part of my nieces and nephews younger years.)

It just seems that the process of naming what we want and writing it down and the anticipation of receiving the gift almost seems greater than the actual item.  We can have all those moments of pleasure thinking about the gift. It is the joy of delayed gratification. 

Yet it seems that once the gift is given and received, we are not as interested in it anymore.  Or at least it loses its charm and appeal.  It is as if all our energy was spent on imaging the gift and now that the gift has arrived, we are spent- tired of the item before it has been used.  In many cases, we cannot even remember what the fuss was all about.

I remember one year my son had a remote control motorcycle on his Christmas list. Or my father-in-law had heard some of his golf buddies talking about a remote control motorcycle that they were getting their grandchildren.  Either way, my father-in-law moved heaven and earth (or at least all the Toys R Us stores in our metropolitan area) to purchase it.  Our son enjoyed it very much.  For the first couple of days.  But after awhile, the difficult-to-acquire toy found its way to the bottom of the toy cabinet. 

I am wondering about that experience as I ponder the next chapter in my life.  I have thought for a long time the personal and career items I want to accomplish and achieve. I even have a list of material possessions that I would want: type of home, contents of home, location of said home, type of car, etc.  But even those lists are like the fantastical lists that our childish selves write to Santa: totally unrealistic and impractical.

What do I really want?

I find that I have a hard time writing down what I want.  Oh sure, I have those lists of my ideal items but what if that list was definitive?  And that which was written on my list was what I would receive. No more. No less.  Would I truly be content and happy with it?   Would it be overwhelming or not enough?  Would I be listing the right things for the current me as well as the future me?  Would I grow weary with my requests even before I received them?  If it all came to me at once, would I miss the excitement of the next year or stage of my life? 

I guess I have come to the conclusion that, while I have lists of accomplishments and goals, my ultimate list would be deferred to the One who knows me better than myself: the One who created me and who loves me.  Not that I am absolving myself of any responsibility of living my life.  I just have come to the conclusion that I will trust God in directing my steps for my future plans.  Certainly I have my part to do: to be as educated, healthy, curious, well rounded, and developed in my specific gifts and talents.  But for choosing the best course of action, I choose to let "Thy Will Be done." 

I think I will let my Christmas List be fulfilled by God and what He has in store for me.

What about you?