Smile
The other morning I was painting some molding for our basement remodel and was listening to some music. The song, “Smile” came on and perhaps for the first time in all the years that I have heard it, I listened to the words.
In some ways, it has a universal truth: smile even when you do not feel like it. Of course, that doesn’t mean to submerge your feelings. When we are at rock bottom- whatever the cause- we might not be physically, emotionally or spiritually able. But, I would contend that some times we are just being ornery- we want what we want and we want to be annoyed, angry or upset. We just like living in that pit.
I know that I sometimes feel that I just want to stay annoyed and mad at the world, and so I go about my day with a scowl on my face. I get so caught up in my own concerns, ruminating over the seemingly unfairness of life that I forget to smile.
In our old location, it was easy to go about with a scowl on one’s face. It seemed that many people I passed did. When I would smile and say hello, most generally I would not receive any response. Just a head down and a quick walk away. After receiving that type of response, it was easier to not even try.
These last couple of years with our masks and face coverings have brought home to me one of the many things that we lacked due to Covid: smiling and responding in kind. Sure, you can see the crinkly eyes above the mask, but it is not the same as seeing the upward curvature of lips, white teeth and perhaps a dimple or two. It is a joy to see a whole person. In person.
In our new place, I have yet to find too many taciturn New Englanders. Most are ready with a smile and hello. Not all. There is a curmudgeonly receptionist at one of the building centers with whom I have had to interact. Not exactly unpleasant. But not pleasant. Of course, this isn’t a scientific study with controlled variables. Since moving up here I am practicing smiling and greeting with most everyone I meet. And I usually receive a response back. Sometimes it is a lovely little chat or some interesting information about the area. Almost every encounter makes me feel good.
I think smiling makes us approachable. It draws one another into community. I think people notice people who smile, which in turn gives the smiler confidence. It also gives the one who receives the smile, confidence: both individuals are noticed. Isn’t that the beginning of community- seeing each other. Of course, the skeptics could say by smiling at all sorts of people, one can attract all sorts of people and maybe not the type one wants? But I think it is worth the risk.
The other day I was coming out of a store and an older looking Asian gentleman was walking in. I smiled and said hello. He stopped. Smiled. Proceeded on his way and then turned, in halting English and said, “Miss (that word alone was worth the smile!), do you know where Alton Avenue is?” And so I engaged with him, trying to find the address on my phone and to give him directions via words and gesticulations.
Of course, I will never know what happened after he left the parking lot. Hopefully he got to his destination. Still, those encounters are the filaments that connect each of us. It may seem small and insignificant like a single embroidery thread, but when we interweave our threads, we have a stronger community tie and a much richer tapestry.
What about you? Are you a smiler? Do you speak to people when you are out? To the grocery checker? The waitstaff? The neighbor you pass on the street? The homeless person sitting at the corner? Your family member or roommate?
I am going to try a 30 Day Challenge: To smile at those I pass during my day to day activities and invite you to do the same. It will be interesting to see what is the reaction and how the smiling changes or doesn’t change the outcomes of our day.
Benefits of smiling:
Live longer
Relieves stress
Elevates mood
Is contagious
Boosts immune system
May lower blood pressure
Reduces pain
Makes you attractive
Suggests success- confident
Helps you stay positive
https://online.uwa.edu/news/benefits-of-smiling-and-laughter/
https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/Patients-Families/Health-Library/HealthDocNew/Good-Reasons-to-Smile
https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/Patients-Families/Health-Library/HealthDocNew/Good-Reasons-to-Smile
Attitude Adjustments
I have been thinking a lot about attitude lately. In general, how does one cultivate a good attitude especially when one has a tendency towards a poor one? As with so much in life- once we are thinking and spending time pondering an idea, we hear all sorts of advice on the subject.
Recently I was part of a women’s retreat. It was a time full of faith and fellowship. There was much authentic sharing during the weekend. I was amazed at how quickly, humbly and willingly women were in sharing their hurts and sorrows.
While I am amazed at the depth of courage and strength these women shared, I couldn’t help wondering, what is wrong with me? For whatever reason, I feel that I am not in a place of deep sorrow or hurt. In fact, life is pretty good. I felt almost a pressure to say my life was terrible when it really isn’t. I am always cognizant of the pain and sorrows of others and generally do not share all the good going on in my life because I don’t want it to seem like a competition or a “in your face,” etc. However, by not sharing my story in my “abundance” I am not being truly authentic with others, and by my unspoken words, have made it a competition.
That is wrong of me. It keeps me separated from others and is not the community into which God has called us .
I realized that we do need to share with one another ALL the things going on in our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly (equal emphasis on all, not just the bad and ugly). For focusing on all aspects of life, helps keep things in perspective. When I am going through difficulty and I hear someone share about the good things in life, I can see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Although I must admit that in my immature moments, I can be a little jealous of the shared good times. However, many times the stories involving good times have difficulty woven in. When I hear the total picture, I can learn to be grateful for others’ stories and not focus solely on myself. Conversely, when I hear that someone is having a tough time, I can reflect and be grateful for what I am experiencing and also (if it seems like an appropriate time) be able to share my perspective.
God is good and He wants to give good things to His children. Sometimes we do not recognize His gifts as good but when we gain eternal perspective, it is all good. Hearing all sides of life- good, bad and the ugly helps me gain that eternal perspective.
I also think the tendency to negativity is another way that the father of lies tries to chip away at our soul and keep us separated. It is all part of the “not good enough, nothing will ever work out, hopeless state” he wants to keep us in. The Father of Light tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, there is a future and plan for each one of us and that through Christ there is hope in an eternal tomorrow.
And so as I have been thinking about optimism, I have come across these ideas:
A mosaic made during the women’s retreat to demonstrate how our brokenness is used by God to create something unexpected and beautiful.
No-Complaint Day. One practical way to stay optimistic is to practice a set amount of time with no complaints. Typically starting for one day and continuing each day without complaints for about a month. However, if you are a complaining type person (yours truly somedays), you might want to set the bar low at first (1 hour or half a day). But if you can, try and go a whole day without complaints.
Glad Game. If you are the type which complaining rolls off your tongue and even one hour of no-complaints gives you pause, you might have to institute the “glad game” while you are resetting your thoughts. The glad game comes from the old Pollyanna books/movies. Pollyanna, the main character would play the glad game whenever she felt sad or disappointed. Instead of saying the such and such happened she would say, “I am glad such and such happened because… (and reframe the negative to a positive). Kind of corny but as a person thinketh, so he/she doeth. If we start thinking positive thoughts, we are more likely to remain positive.
Smile more. If you do not think that smiling matters, try it for a day. When you are out and about, or even among your family and friends, try smiling at people. Again, if this is not your nature, those who know you might wonder if you have lost a few marbles. But, most people respond by smiling back. It creates an atmosphere of joy and encouragement.
Repeat positive affirmations: Some people have a daily mantra of positive thoughts. I prefer to remember the truths that God has said: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am his cherished child, He has a plan and purpose for my life. Find scripture that has meaning for you and say it in the morning and throughout the day. Especially when the father of lies gets into your head to tell you otherwise.
Each day when you wake, choose to be optimistic that day. Some days may be quite easy to remain positive: the sun is shining, you get a good night’s sleep, you feel reasonably well, there were no “crisis phone calls” in the middle of the night and your hair isn’t frizzing. The real test will be when the days are dark, damp and miserable and your soul feels the same way.
What about you? Are you naturally optimistic or pessimistic? Do you naturally complain? (Or as I like to justify my complaining, “just stating facts…”) Are you going through a really tough time? Is there someone you know who might have gone through something similar and is now in a different place? Could you reach out to him or her? How do you re-frame your thoughts?
“Lord, I choose this day to be positive for you- to relinquish all control, all fears, all doubts, all worries to you. Come into my heart, soul and mind and transform my negative thoughts and actions to positive ones. I rejoice that you will always be near me, that you are before and behind me and that you guide my steps. Amen.”
When I See Your Smiling Face...
Ah, the famous smile. Or is it? "Mona Lisa" by Leonardo de Vinci. c. 1504. Musee de Louvre, Paris France. This is a photograph of a faithful production of a 2-D work of art.
Are you a smiley person? Are your facial muscles more in the upward mode than downward?
I am by nature a pleasant person. I am not dour by any means. I like a good joke and generally find humor in most situations and in people's behavior. But, I am also by nature more of an introvert. As my grandmother used to say, "you are a deep thinker" which means that I have many ideas swirling around in my head and sometimes forget to react to the world around me.
This past week it occurred to me that the world is an oyster for those who smile. Not that one has to be insincere with one's expressions but that there is some truth to the adage "act as if you are happy". I noticed that the times when I do feel a lightness of being and so smile at those I encounter, whether it is at the grocery store, walking down the street or in a large social setting, I have many more pleasant interactions. Smiling is contagious and who wouldn't want to be around a pleasantly smiling person? Interacting with others and feeling part of the "community" can put and keep me in a good mood.
When I don't interact with others I find that it is a self fulfilling prophecy- others won't interact with me, which causes me to start to feel isolated and wanting to withdrawal even further into myself. It is not that I have to have an long interaction or a deep discourse with others but it is having some type of interaction- a shared smile, a quick hello or a recognition of some sort- that lets me think I am not alone and that I "belong" to my community.
In The Atlantic magazine, there was an article by Lindsay Abrams about an experiment to see if forcing a smile could genuinely reduce stress. For some in the study, the forced smile was achieved by using chop-sticks to keep the muscles in a smile formation. Others were explicitly told to keep smiling. The subjects were then asked to perform stress-induced tasks. Those who were forced to smile had lower heart rates than those who didn't smile and those who were smiling on their own had even a more positive effect. (The full study,"Grin and Bear It: The Influence of Manipulated Positive Facial Expression on the Stress Response," is published in the journal Psychological Science)
Of course, there are many questions about this study: Sample size? Logistics for keeping chopsticks on your facial muscles? Other variables? But, I think that it is interesting that there were some positive results in the lowered heart rate due to the smiling- fake or otherwise.
Today or someday soon, why not try your own smiling experiment? I would suggest not using chopsticks to keep your smile alight but I would suggest that you try smiling wherever you go. Even if you are not around people, give yourself your own private smile. Assess how you feel? Assess how others respond to you? If you find it positive, try to incorporate smiling as your default face. Who knows? You might become as famous for your smile as the Mona Lisa.