Vulnerability
“I believe that every issue we face – whether busyness, failure, shame, transitions – every issue is intended to lead us to God. Our tendency is to let our problems separate us from God and one another – but instead, they can become tools to allow us to deepen our spiritual lives, and to in turn change the world!”
—JANE RUBIETTA
The above quote is from an author whose book I am reading and discussing with friends. This quote spoke to me about how we should be living in community: sharing our issues and struggles with one another and with God. It is the vulnerability that produces growth. Vulnerability is another side of the coin of humility.
I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability. Having moved to a whole new community- new neighbors, new norms, new friends- in the last third of my life, I have had to be proactive in meeting people. It is not that easy for a private more introverted person. I have found the folks whom I have met to be so unpretentious and genuine. Not that where we used to live, were pretentious folks but there was a different feel to the environment. Here people take the time to say hello and to get to know you.
[Although, as I am writing this, I am reminded of a women I’ve met from here. She had moved from Maine to RI when she was younger. Her experience was just the opposite: she felt that the Rhode Islanders were very standoff-ish and unfriendly compared to the Mainers. Go figure.]
I am reminded of the story from Benjamin Franklin. The best way to make friends is to ask another for a “favor”. “He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
It is not so much of the favor per se, but that in the asking, one makes oneself vulnerable. There is humility in asking.
Of course, we cannot go around wearing our hearts on our sleeves. And yet, it is important to share with others, when appropriate, what we are experiencing. Our trials are the foundations that builds communities.
And so I am trying. I remember my dad telling me that I shouldn’t let others know when I was down or out. I took it to mean that I had to show perfection, or at least to not share any problems with others. “Laugh and others will laugh with you. Cry and others will laugh at you,” he said.
Partly that was his generation of the stiff upper lip (although he was the more emotional one of my parents). Partly he was thinking that I would be protected from hurt, either through ridicule, teasing or general meanness.
I have come to the point in my life, that if I am to be bothered by ridicule, teasing or general meanness, it is the price to pay for genuine community and relationships, both with others and with God. I cannot say that I am entirely immune to comments, etc but as one ages, they become less and less bothersome. Or so I hope.
Emotional vulnerability is the glue that holds community together. It is in our sharing with one another that we build up each other. It also benefits ourselves. According to Psychology Today, vulnerability can ease anxiety, strengthen relationships and help one become more self-aware.
That self-awareness brings empathy. That empathy brings understanding. Understanding fosters grace. For if I recognize the hurt, shame, embarrassment, in myself, I am more aware of it in someone else and more likely to be tolerant and loving of the other person.
One of the great divides among people is the thinking that everyone else “has it together”, so that “something must be wrong with me” and the “I am the ONLY one” and therefore alone. Sadly the “perfect reels” of Instagram and Tiktok are deceiving. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most honest communities (like AA or NA) are the ones that fess up about the problems and issues and then move together towards understanding, accountability, improvement and healing.
A great example of community through vulnerability is the priest and author, Henri Nouwen’s story of the Daybreak community. The Daybreak community is a home in Canada for people with and without intellectual disabilities, part of the international L’Arche movement. Nouwen was priest there and lived among the community.
He tells the story of “Adam” and how it took at least a dozen or so individuals to care for Adam throughout the day and night. Adam was by all accounts, a “vegetable”. But this person, this embodiment of total vulnerability drew everyone together. For as Nouwen explained, the individuals were strangers before they cared for Adam. But after being part of Adam’s care team, they were now friends/family. Community was built via the vulnerable. Click here to hear an excerpt of Nouwen talking about Adam.
But more than the above, emotional vulnerability brings us back to God and to being open to God working in our lives. God longs for us to share with Him our fears and failures. To be honest and vulnerable. It is then that we can be open and receptive to what God is doing in our lives and to where God is leading.
Jane Rubietta is right. Once we are open to God and to others, there is nothing that the bonds of community cannot do.
Depth
I heard the musician Mike Donehey talking about this new song, All Together. He said that many times while we may feel comfortable sharing our testimonies of past struggles we hesitate to share what we are currently going through. I thought that was an interesting observation.
The hesitancy to not share the current struggle is, I think, due to a fear of being vulnerable: exposed, unguarded, susceptible, unsafe, weak, accessible, defenseless, tender, wide-open. When we share our past struggles, there is an implication just by being “in the past” that those struggles do not plague us now, that we have learned, moved on or have become stronger. Admitting current struggles puts us squarely in the bulls-eye of vulnerability.
While there is a risk involved in sharing one’s issues, there is special bond between people when we do share with one another. I think of recovering addicts and those in a twelve-step program.
While I am not personally knowledgeable about the addiction community, from what I hear from friends and family who struggle and attend meetings is that the community is incredibly honest about their current struggles. Part of the whole point in the daily/weekly meeting is having accountability and recognizing that every day, sometimes every minute is a fight and the addiction is never once and done. There are no past testimonies only current ones.
“Cracks are where the lights get in…”
I love this line from the song. What a great image. I envision cracks in the sidewalk. A small opening that becomes wider, filling with dirt and debris, followed by a stray seed blowing into the opening. Water and sunlight mix and suddenly, a lone plant emerges. The jagged thin line of the broken cement can be the beginning of growth. Sometimes I think the most thriving plants grow and develop in the cracks of my front sidewalk.
I sometimes forget the importance of sharing with one another. Of course, there is a time and place to share. No one wants to be an Eeyore for every problem, but there are times when sharing about our difficult situations can help others. For in sharing, others realize that they are not alone and that if someone else can manage in similar circumstances, then perhaps they can too.
Years ago I shared with an acquaintance how I had struggled with depression due to a very stressful work situation. I explained how I did not handle the situation in the best way and was able to share my lessons learned. Whether that ultimately helped the individual, I will never know, but I think it did create some closeness that otherwise would never have occurred.
What about you? Do you try and hold it all together? Have you ever shared your struggles? Not just past, but present? What happened?
There is a risk in sharing about ourselves. I have felt the pain in sharing and having my feelings not well-received or nurtured. It stings one’s pride and makes one want to retreat into a little turtle shell. “Laugh and others will laugh with you. Cry and others will laugh at you.” was a maxim that I heard when I was little. From an early age I was taught to not share too much. Don’t be vulnerable because you most likely will get hurt.
As I have aged I have thought a lot about those sayings. While I struggle with sharing “my true self” and the ups and downs, I would rather be authentic in my life- which includes struggles. There is a line from a song Vince Gill sings about his wife Amy Grant. In it he says she likes the color black because without it there would be no depth. I think our sharing our current struggle, the darkness in our lives, brings depth into our relationships and light shines brighter in the darkness.
The Power of Vulnerability
I do not believe politicians. It doesn’t matter their party or particular political leanings. I know enough politicians to know that for the majority of them, it is hard to believe all that they say. They are the ultimate great actors- they can spin and say whatever they feel the audience at the time wants to hear.
But. I do like what I have seen of Joe Biden’s character. He truly seems empathetic to others, especially those who are grieving. I am always impressed with any highly visible personality/celebrity/politician who helps others not for any immediate photo op but seemingly altruistically and for the benefit of the other person. It is only after the fact does their good deed/word get in the news and sometimes only because someone has leaked it.
President Biden has been known to call and receive calls from individuals who have lost a loved one. He has also reached out to young people who have speech impediments, namely stuttering. Two areas of his life in which he suffered and was vulnerable.
I think of him meeting with Queen Elizabeth this past week. I imagine there will be some soul sharing regarding losing a spouse. Grief is grief regardless of the stage and age of the bereaved. I wonder how many individuals President Biden has connected to over the years due to his being drawn to those who are exposed to grief?
It reminds me that being vulnerable is what draws us together. There are people who I know who seem to have it all in order. While I enjoy being with them, it is only when they shared tough times or difficulties that I became closer to them. It is then that they are more relatable. We have more in common through our difficulties than our strengths.
Researcher Dr. Brene Brown has an interesting TED talk on the subject of vulnerability. It may be “old” but it is applicable to today. (See the above video)
As she states, “The data about being vulnerable leads to whole-hearted living.” She talks about courage, compassion and connection and how vulnerability leads to these strong emotions.
I think of the Apostle Paul and his statement, “for when I am made weak, then I am strong.” It is only through our weaknesses that true authenticity occurs and makes room for growth. At the end of the TED talk, Dr. Brown says this:
This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
What about you? In recent months we have talked about a sense of belonging, of having enough, of sharing, of being grateful, of connection. Are you willing to be vulnerable? What does that look like for you? What steps are you willing to take to begin whole-hearted living?
I love the title of Dr. Brown’s talk- The Power of Vulnerability because there is Truth to that expression. While the world may say might makes right, Jesus declared that the meek inherit the earth. For there is strength through an honest and authentic declaration of weakness.
Below, view the follow-up to her vulnerability talk:
Why Give Thanks?
"The First Thanksgiving" (1915), by Jean Louis Gerome Ferris (American painter, 1863-1930).
Do you ever wonder why we have Thanksgiving? Sure, we have all learned about the Pilgrims and their first feast in Plymouth. We have read about George Washington's issuing a proclamation that November 26, 1789 would be a day of national thanksgiving for the role of providence in creating the United States. We know that Abraham Lincoln's declaration of an annual federal celebration the fourth Thursday in November is what prompts our yearly migration to home and hearth.
No, I am talking about why as humans we feel the need to have any type of thanksgiving celebration at all. Almost all cultures going back many millennium have the need to have some type of yearly festival. Whether it was to appease the gods or to share in extra harvest abundance, why did we feel the need to give thanks?
I think it is because on some basic biological level we as humans know that there is something larger than ourselves at work in the world. Deep down we know that there is more than just our small existence and that we intrinsically look to something else for the bounty and situations in which we find ourselves.
I think in trying to understand why we give thinks, we should look at whom we thank- the earth, the stars, the moon, a human-made deity, a specific religious person?
I am in the C.S. Lewis camp that although differing religions have many similar values- truth, goodness, kindness, etc., Christianity is the only religion that can point to its founder as alive and living among us. Not to go into apologetics but there is historic evidence that the prophet Jesus was seen walking, eating, talking after his crucification. He is the true living God.
I think that it is that pull to God and Jesus that subconsciously draws us to gather and give thanks. Whether we consciously recognize it or not, we cannot rely on ourselves for all that we have received, nor can we be the ones in charge of our lives. Similar to Blaise Pascal's quote which in the vernacular has been quoted as "there is a God-shaped vacuum inside all of us." Below are the actual words from his book, Pensees, published in 1670:
“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself” - Blaise Pascal, Pensées VII(425)
Sure we have the pull of the obligatory family Thanksgiving gathering, but it goes beyond that: the practice of thanksgiving is good for our souls.
- We recognize that the blessings we have are not all from our own doing.
- We recognize that others also receive blessings not from their own doing.
- We can recognize that our experiences are not so bad when hearing about others' situations.
- We recognize that difficult and bad situations may have some positive aspects and that time can smooth out rough patches.
- We are humbled by that knowledge and perspective of our lives.
- We can then be open, compassionate and vulnerable to others and grateful for what we do and do not have.
- We recognize that there are some things that bear no explanation- it is only through the grace of God we are in the place where we are.
- We can then experience the authentic and abundant life of a grateful and thankful heart.
What about you? Why do you give thanks? Have you ever done a yearly inventory of your life? What is important to you? What do you believe? What are the positive and negative things in your life? Are there situations or experiences in your life that have no explanation? Is it an abyss that can only be filled with God? How about the people you know and love? Why do they give thanks? For what are you and they grateful? Does that ever connect you?
Why give thanks? It is an opportunity to be connected to others, to ourselves and to God.
Stuck in the Goo
Do you ever wonder what happens to the caterpillar in the chrysalis? How does it become a butterfly? What happens when it metamorphoses? I heard an interesting audio from the show RadioLab. It discussed just that as well as the philosophical implications and the common metaphor of caterpillar/butterfly to old/new life.
What I find interesting is that at first look, there appears to be nothing from the first form to the second. How can a plodding, crawling, insect be the same as a graceful, flying winged creature?
When they open the chrysalis what they find is goo. Nothing formed, nothing recognizable. Yet when they have dissected caterpillars, they can see structures that will form wings. Amazing.
There is something new in the old, some hope and expectation yet it is not visible at first. Perhaps there is hope for humankind and for each one of us.
While we may not be our "perfect" selves and we are always a work in progress; nonetheless, we do have potential to be the butterfly that we were created to be. In some ways we are both caterpillar and butterfly.
Though in my experience, being caterpillar and butterfly is not a linear caterpillar-chrysalis-butterfly process. It is not as if once I go through the change, that is it- I stay as a perfect butterfly. Sometimes I am the caterpillar, munching away in my own selfishness. Other times I have been changed into a butterfly and have the experience of growth, new habits and a feeling of new life. Yet my experience is short-lived and fleeting. Life has a way of circling back.
Just as soon as I may feel that I have finally "gotten it", experienced a situation without jealousy, anger, impatience, etc.- you name the poor behavior that I have avoided, then I resort back to my old self. I may be floating like a butterfly but before I know it, I am stuck on the ground, mired down with my selfish ways. It seems as if I will keep going through the process until one day I am finally, totally transformed into the creature that was contained, albeit snippets, even while a caterpillar.
What I am learning about the caterpillar/butterfly metaphor is that chrysalis means preparatory or transitional state. In the life of the insect, the chrysalis stage is about the same amount of time it is a caterpillar. Which means it is a necessary stage and which means that I have to go through it and cannot shorten it if I want to come out a butterfly.
In my "life cycle" I come to places where I "think" I know what type of butterfly I should be. I am quite ready to vocalize my thoughts and plans to God. I "know" what is the best for me and just want Him to get on with any metamorphoses He has planned for me. I am "thinking" that I will be a Monarch butterfly. And so, I just want to get to that stage. I truthfully don't want to go through goo. I don't want to be in the place where I am unrecognizable and all preconceived ideas are eliminated. I don't want to live in this vulnerable stage. I want to snap my fingers and get to the place, the attitude, the changed behavior without any inconvenience or messiness.
There comes a time when I am choosing to accept the transitional stage, when I am choosing to accept being "goo" and when I am preparing my heart and mind to be the person God has originally designed me to be. It requires me to be open to new possibilities, to change some old habits and ways, to listen to His voice and to be willing to be vulnerable in the transitional stage. It requires me to enter this transitional stage trusting that the butterfly I am becoming is exactly the right butterfly that He wants. No use trying to be a Monarch butterfly if I am a moth.
What about you? Ever thought about the caterpillar/butterfly mystery? Which stage are you in? Are you willing to go through the goo? How open are you to change?