While I was shopping for some holiday decor, I noticed the following display on the wall:

Oh the irony. Made me laugh but also made me think based on our Christmas consumerism (just seeing the long lines in the store) that we do believe that Christmas is what we can purchase.

It always amazes me that every year there are more and more items for sale for Christmas and those items are offered earlier and earlier. Seems to me, what most of the commercial items are representing are memories: you too can have the smiley, polished, beautiful family gathering if you give this game or toy to your children or surprise your loved one with some jewelry or decorate your house as if it were a Hollywood set design and gather around a holiday-themed groaning board of a table.

We all long for nostalgia of some sort. But some people have no history to recall or one that they would want to repeat. More than that, I think Christmas epitomizes our need to belong. I am aware of news stories, comments from people on the street or even looking at advertisements- people want to be recognized, to be heard and to feel part of the group.

I know that I feel that way in our new situation. It is nice to be seen and known. I was gobsmacked when walking on a different street from where we live, our letter carrier called me by name shortly after we had moved in. I had only met him once and I would’ve thought that seeing me out of context, my name would’ve been out of his mind. I had a similar experience when the town librarian called me by name after only meeting her once. (Maybe remembering people’s names is not as unusual as I think. Maybe it is only I who has a brain sieve for name recall?)

I find it interesting that many various psychological studies and articles speak about our basic need to belong: to feel connected to others and to be known. Part of the sense of belonging is feeling that one is connected to a group or ideal bigger than oneself. In doing so, we receive the sense that we are not alone in this journey called life, that we have some purpose and a sense of unity and values with others.

It is no surprise then that the need to connect drives behavior which is something smartphone technology (and advertising) has exploited. Phones, apps and social media are compelling to the individual because they allow one to be seen, heard and considered by others. The problem is that the individual does so in a vacuum. One can tap and send off any harsh or critical epistle thinking that others will react (which they might) but overall there is a lack of graciousness and consideration in this type of belonging. Even in the technology of the “old days”, one could hang up the telephone on another. It was just a voice on the other end and therefore one didn’t really see the others’ reaction.

There is something about being together and face to face in our interactions that gives us (or should give us) pause. Looking into another’s eyes when delivering difficult news or even a disagreement softens our words and helps us extend grace towards one another. In real life, (not the feigned, drama riddled reality television or the “perfect” instagram lives) we have lost the ability to have true conversation: agreeing to disagree or sharing an alternative point of view in a safe, loving environment. When we feel that we belong and that we are accepted, we are able to do so.

This past weekend we visited and spent some time with our small group from Maryland. Our small group has been together for a long time and has shared a lot of living. One of the purposes of the group is to journey through life together: encouraging one another, learning more about God together, holding each other accountable and sharing our joys and sorrows. One of the most fascinating phenomena to me is how a group of seemingly dissimilar individuals can form a bond of belonging. These are “my people”. In some ways we don’t look like we go together: different ages, life experiences, political beliefs, lifestyle beliefs but we are all bonded through our love of God. While I knew this to be true it wasn’t until we were driving back home, I realized that the group is truly family: a safe place where we only want the absolute God’s best for each other. It is the briefest glimpse of heaven on earth- the time when humankind is reconciled to God and to each other.

One of my dearest friends gave me a book for my birthday, “Start with Hello”, by Shannon Martin. I am looking forward to reading it.

From the back excerpt: A simple path to a more deeply connected life. You want more. You want to belong to a community that looks out for each other. You believe in your bones we don’t have to live detached, distracted and divided. The question is, How? Shannon Martin invites you into deeper connection through simple resets.

While some of the suggestions are familiar, the book will be helpful to me in meeting people in our new situation. In some ways, it is easier for us to greet and meet people- we have the excuse of just arriving in our neighborhood. It would be rather awkward when one is established to go back and reintroduce oneself. “Excuse me, I have lived next to you for twenty years and I still do not know your name.” (which, sadly would be my case if we were still in our old neighborhood.)

May this Advent season be a time when we practice our “hellos”. May we cultivate a sense of belonging with the people we meet: to let others know that they are not alone, that we hear each them and that we want God’s best for them. And that doesn’t come from any store.

Five Words

I was listening to a podcast interview and the interviewee shared some words of advice that she had once heard.  And so I share with you, what was shared to the listening audience that had been shared to her... (For those of you who are old enough to remember the old Faberge Organic Shampoo Commercial, “and they told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on...”) 

Sharing our encouragements, life lessons and thoughts with one another is one of the main reasons I believe that we are called into community.  There is no way that one person can have all the wisdom  for life. Sure, there are wise individuals but because of our complexities and diversity we need the collective wisdom of one another.  We need to share that wisdom. I was reminded of that in watching the movie, Arrival. The only way to understand and save Earth from the “Aliens” (Though we see that in actuality, it is not the alien who is the problem- We need to be rescued from our panicky, anxious selves.) was to share with one another the information gathered in how to communicate with them. It was a good movie and had many underlying themes, but the getting along through words was one of them. 

Here are the five words that were shared in the interview.   Using your hand you can state each of the five words with each finger, putting down one digit as you recite the next in line.  And so on, and so on. 

5. How can I help you?  By asking another how we can help, we are setting up a different perspective for ourselves:  we are taking the focus off of us and placing the lens on another.  This helps us realize that we are not the sole proprietor of life. There are others in the world. It also puts us in a posture of humility and purpose.  We have an attitude of servitude- not because we are superior and we don’t have issues- but because your needs are just as (or more than not) important at this time than mine. Also, in helping others, we find a purpose, if not for a long haul, but for the immediate time.

4.  I’m proud of you. One of the most sought after emotion is to be known and recognized: acknowledged for who we are, for what we have done and for what we will be. These four words speaks into all relationships.  

3.  I love you.   Again, another emotion that all are craving:  love.  Especially unconditionally. 

2.  You too.  To love and be loved.  Doesn’t Alfred Lord Tennyson declare, “Better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.”

1. We.  One word, yet a powerful collective.  Life is about all of us.  Not one.  Not a select few.  Not partial.   But We.  A beautiful sentiment.  (There is no “I’ in TEAM.)

What about you?  Do you have any couple of words or phrases by which you live? Words that speak to your heart?  Words that you feel have universal appeal? Do you reflect those words in your daily life? In how you live and treat others? 

What information do you feel is important to impart- to tell two friends, who tell two friends and so on, and so on...

Ownership

An over 750 acres oasis in the middle of Manhattan.

My sister was sharing with me some of her experience during a recent trip to the Holy Lands. As her tour group was being taken around Jerusalem and its environs, her tour guide was explaining about some of the Arab housing. From the outside the housing areas look desolate and dirty. Unkempt. Uncared for. Yet, the inside of the homes are quite nice- clean, bright, organized. The difference between the inside and the outside is due to ownership: the Arabs “own” the inside of their homes so that they care for them, while the outside of their homes are “owned” by the Jewish state. They consider the outside of their homes, not theirs and therefore not worth organizing and keeping together.

I get it. I think it is a typical human reaction.

We see that thought process with the conditions of the “slums” and poverty stricken areas. I am convinced the dirtiness and chaos are partly due to the fact that people who live there do not feel any type of ownership to the place. Lack of ownership equates to lack of responsibility. Of course there are other reasons- when one has to choose between eating or health care- sometimes cleaning up the landscape around ones home is low on the priority list. But, as I frequently think about a comment heard by young boys witnessing the change in their “gentrifying” neighborhood, “See, I told you the new trees are not for us”, I am reminded that when people do not feel included, they can be apathetic at best and hostile at worst. Taking their frustration out on their surrounding environment.

The Public Parks Movement in the 19th Century was an attempt by progressive social thinkers to connect the urban public with the natural world. Many were concerned over the poor sanitation and overcrowding of the Industrial Revolution. Parks like Central Park in New York City were designed to improve health and contribute to the formation of a civil society. As they write on their Central Park Conservancy website, “Immediately, the success of Central Park fostered the urban park movement, one of the great hallmarks of democracy of nineteenth-century America.” Where else, but a public park, that a captain of industry could ambulate among the rolled shirt-sleeves of the stevedores: each enjoying the vistas and the fresh air. Each had a right to be at the park. Each had a responsibility to care for it.

Belonging. Ownership. Democracy.

Isn’t ownership/belonging (or lack there of) one of the main reasons for the latest polarization of our society? Some belong. Some do not. Whether that is due to gender, race, religion, creed, the fact that many in society feel marginalized and not part of it has caused upheaval, unrest, chaos: a social “dirtiness”. If I feel that I do not belong, I have no responsibility to care, preserve or engage with society. We have become a society taking its frustrations out on its surrounding environment which includes policy, people and even our physical space: shootings, social media rantings, and clashes with law enforcement.

Why can’t we get along?

What will it take for us to realize and remember that we are ALL created in God’s image and are precious to Him? To realize that we ALL belong to God and to each other. That ALL have rights and responsibilities.

I am reminded of my first night at college. Being the P.S. in my family, I was, for all intents and purposes, an only child for my teenage years- my siblings were all married and out of the house. My parents treated me like an adult and so I wasn’t used to the typical teenage lifestyle. I was used to my own schedule, my own room, and was not used to the girly gatherings. I felt so out of it. Additionally, the college I choose to attend was a distance from my home and no one from my high school even knew about the college much less planned to go there. To make matters worse, my roommate was from the area and knew lots of other girls. She was kind to include me but I still felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t know the local fads, expressions or references. While I was always self-assured, my confidence and self-worth waned. I withdrew into myself.

About a week into the experience I was walking across campus when I ran into a friend from my high school. “What are you doing here?” I exclaimed. Turns out my friend applied late and was accepted right before school was to start. I had no idea.

Running into Frank changed my whole outlook, demeanor and trajectory. I knew someone. I felt more confident and comfortable in meeting others. I got my mojo back. I finally felt like I belonged. I could reach out to others. Just feeling connected to another person changed my attitude which in turn changed how well I assimilated into this new experience. I took more responsibility in engaging, growing and thriving in my new environment.

I felt that I belonged and that I had a sense of ownership that this was “my place, my peeps”. I was engaged. I felt more comfortable and confident that I was exactly where I needed to be.

The thing is, God has called each one of us to come back to Him, His family and to have a sense of belonging. If we are part of His place, His peeps, and His purpose then we are more likely to feel comfortable and confident, which in turn allows us to help another person feel comfortable and confident. No more fighting among ourselves or our environment. We realize that we all belong. We all have ownership in this journey of life: we are responsible for ourselves and for others.

What about you? Do you feel that you belong? Do you have a sense of ownership in your community? Your neighborhood? Who are your peeps? Do you feel responsible for them? For your actions in your environment?