Lessons Learned

This week my husband and I are on “vacation”. For some, vacation means a new environment, new experiences and new places. For us, most of our vacations happen in the same place. In purchasing a little get-away cottage a few years ago, our vacations center around this house.

Over the past three years we have done some improvements to the home- some cosmetic like painting various rooms and others necessary maintenance which involves furnace and fireplace professionals. We try hard to strike a balance between puttering around the home and playing in the area: kayaking, hiking, biking, etc.

On this trip we have a few things to do. While I was transplanting plants from home, my husband was repairing the rotted boards on a gate. Part of the repair requires that he notch out both ends of a 2 x 4 so that they join with the uprights of the gate. As he was chiseling the piece he commented, “Your dad showed me how to do this.” I smiled, remembering how my dad loved to putter around with projects. I can see his capable hands- the one pointer finger slightly shorter than others due to a wood shop incident.

After my husband said his comment, I started thinking about others who showed me different ways to do things: how to hammer in small nails by holding the nail with a needle nose plier until the nail gets started, how to pin two pieces of fabric together ensuring that the pins are perpendicular to the needle of the machine. And I have learned things not necessarily from my elders. One of my childhood friends showed me how to make grilled cheese in the skillet using a spatula to smoosh down the bread. We were about nine or ten at the time and I amazed at her cooking ability as my mother never let me near the kitchen let alone the stove until I was an adult. I still make grilled cheese the same way.

I heard an interview of a woman who was experiencing the final stages of her parents’ dementia. As she was struggling through the emotional rollercoaster of guilt, helplessness, loss, and grief she was explaining her feelings to another friend. That friend said, “What is the final lesson your parents are teaching you through this?” It struck the interviewee as it struck me that regardless of the difficulty, there is always a lesson to be learned and/or to impart.

Even though it is eight, five, three, and almost one year past, since our parents (father-in-law, mother, father, mother-in-law respectively) have died, I am still reflecting, ruminating and learning from the last stages of our parents’ lives. I have learned to forgive and to extend grace to myself and others, especially when the end did not unfold as I thought it would. I realize now that each of the players in this last act were doing the best they could under the circumstances. That lesson of grace has helped me as I deal with others. Life is too short not to extend grace to one another.

What about you? What have you learned directly from others? What are the memories surrounding that lesson? What can you impart to someone else? A child, grandchild, neighbor, niece, nephew? A friend? If you were to give your final life lesson, what would that be?

Giving and Receiving

Giving or Receiving? Hard to tell…

“What goes around, comes around.” African Proverb.

“I believe in karma, and I believe if you put out positive vibes to everybody, that’s all you’re going to get back.” – Kesha, Singer.

“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” - Book of Acts, Bible.

While all these expressions may be true, I sometimes think we focus on giving for different reasons- fear of retribution, a cosmic tally sheet, sense of duty- and we can forget the receiving part.

We are coming into the season of gift giving. Lest you have forgotten, there are reminder advertisements. I have been thinking about the act of giving and receiving- the acts of service- rather than the consumables. How good am I in giving and receiving? What are the blessings in both of those postures? Do I enter into those postures because I recognize that we are all on this journey of life together?

When I broke my wrist last year and then had my subsequent surgeries there were many actions and services I needed to receive from others: showering help, opening cans and jars (I never realized how much my “other” hand held an item while the other hand opened it), pulling on my pants (my injured side was always askew), putting on shirts, slipping on coats and gloves, transportation to doctors’ appointments. While one hand or arm might not seem to be doing any of the “work”, I realized how much the arms/hands work in tandem- sometimes for holding, support or for balance.

I had a hard time asking for help. While I like to think of myself of an independent cuss and can manage most of what life throws at me, the truth is, I am no more independent than anyone else. Asking to receive help is tough. No one likes to be in the posture of appearing “needy” for it makes one vulnerable, exposed, and humbled. Yet, I had to admit that I needed help and support.

But what I have learned is that being the recipient of someone else’s giving/help is much more than just the transaction. It is the humbling of the recipient (me) that produces the real gift. It is the recognition that I am not the most independent cuss in the world. (As I often tell myself- You are not smarter than the average bear, Yogi). That I am just like everyone else.

“Right now you have plenty and can help those who are in need. Later, they will have plenty and can share with you when you need it.” 2 Corinthians 8: 14 (NLT)

The posture of humility that receiving puts us in, aligns us in the correct posture for helping others. I help, not because I am superior or in any way better than the one who is receiving my assistance. I help, not because I have to do it or something will come back and “bite me”. I help because I have received help in the past. I help because I have empathy and understanding of the vulnerability being on the receiving end exposes. I help because my good fortune today of abundance (of time, talent, resources) can help someone who might be struggling in those areas now, knowing that when I struggle there will be those who come to my aid. The way life unfolds, those of us who have had life experiences know that it becomes a question of when, not if we need assistance.

In essence, receiving help is just as, or even more so important than giving. Being in a posture to receive keeps the flow of giving/receiving going which in turn keeps us together on the journey of life.

Think of the experiences you may have had. If you have ever lost a loved one, and have received condolences, meals, or other life logistics from others, it puts you in a better future position to know how to help someone else who may be struggling with losing a loved one. Even if you have mostly been a giver in life, eventually you will experience something that causes you to need assistance and be on the receiving end.

What about you? As we approach the “giving” time of year, what is your posture? One of giving? Receiving? Humility? Empathy? Grace?

What has been your experience with giving and receiving?

“There, but for the grace of God go I”. John Bradford, English Reformer.

Day 12: Words and Pictures: Grace

The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, Caravaggio, 1601-1602, Sanssouci, Potsdam

And so, today is Easter Monday. In normal circumstances, it may be a day off following a holiday. A time to recoup: vacuum the crumb- laden carpet, discover well-hidden Easter eggs, clean up the chocolate wrappers, put away the holiday china, get ready for the remainder of the spring.

On the spiritual side, it is a day to let the events of last week and weekend settle into our hearts. How are we to respond? To ponder what does it mean for us? The concepts of sin? Mercy? Forgiveness? Grace?

Grace. God giving us what we do not deserve. A gift. We cannot earn it, we not deserve it and we cannot buy it.

When I truly think about it, it elicits a response of immense overwhelming gratitude; by accepting the gift of God’s love for me, I can have eternal life- never being separate from God. Amazing.

I am drawn to the paintings of the Renaissance painter Caravaggio. His subject matter can be a little off putting but the way he captures light onto the canvas is nothing short of miraculous. If you think talent is given in proportion to a person’s moral character, then he certainly didn’t deserve the accolades. He was the bad@!! renaissance painter. He never showed any morals (constantly arguing, fighting, seeming to have a demon in his soul) yet he was given the incredible gift of painting.

I think of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Another genius with questionable morals. The whole question about a selfish, arrogant, brat being gifted with enormous talent and genius is at the heart of the story, Amadeus. Certainly Mozart’s rival, the religious Anthony Salieri wonders about it.

Undeserved gifts.

I love the story behind the hymn Amazing Grace. Written by John Newton, a former slave trader turned abolitionist, it expresses how none of us deserves this grace. We all are wretches in some form or another. As exemplified by Newton’s life, none of our actions or thoughts are pure one way or the other: good versus evil. We are complicated beings. Inconsistent, sometimes getting it, sometimes not, at times good, at times bad. Which again is the point of grace- we all fall short when it comes to being absolutely good/perfect people. Cannot be done.

And so, we need to accept the gift of God’s grace to move along in the world.

What about you? What do you think of grace? For yourself? For others?

Part of my reaction to the grace I have received is to extend grace to others: do I give people the gift of understanding, compassion, love when they may not “deserve” it? How can I be a grace-filled, grace- extender in my corner of the world today? How about you?

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Click here for Andrea Bocelli: Music for Hope. At minute 19 he sings the old hymn: Amazing Grace.

Click here for more about John Newton.

Click here to read more about Caravaggio.

It All Starts With Love...

Gift from a tennis buddy.  Life lesson amidst a sport. 

Did you watch the Royal Wedding this past Saturday?  Or, rather- since there were more than 29 Million viewers- who didn't watch it?

If you saw it, what did you think?  I must say that originally I was not going to watch but was up early and got mesmerized in all the pageantry.  

Many reviewers and commentators talked about the love in the air and how different this felt than other royal weddings.  It might be because it was such a beautifully sunny day (rare) or the sense of relaxation from the guests as they walked the little distance to the chapel with that calming backdrop of castle stones or the fact that the expectation for Prince Harry (the spare) is much different from his older brother.  

It certainly seemed as if the two newly weds are very much in love.  I guess compared to Prince Harry's parents, there is a difference with Harry and Meghan yet I would surmise that most young people on their wedding day are very much in love.  Or at least in love with the notion of love.

On wedding days, are the intendeds really enamored with commitment and marriage?  Hopefully so.  Weddings are wonderful.  A joyous occasion  to see family and friends. An excuse for all of us to dress up and to feel a little royal and to bask in the glow of love.   But I wonder about the long term love?  The true sickness and in health, richer or poorer, to death us do part.  (I must admit snickering at the poorer part of the vow.  The royal family.  Poor?)  It is in those tough times that the remembrance of the good times is so important.  Hopefully these two can stay the course. 

The one thing that seemed to be evident- Meghan Markle was calm, poised, and serene at the wedding.  She seems like the real deal.  People love authenticity.  Now of course, she is an actor and is used to acting, "as if", but if that is the case, she certainly is a really good actress. The wedding event would be a performance of a lifetime, witnessed by millions of people and a cadre of folks who are ready to pick apart any signs of weakness, nervousness, or missteps. 

From the various news reports about her as well as reading her own words, I think that there are some lessons to be learned from her:

• Class (and being classy)  is not so much a position but an attitude.  Doesn't matter what one's background might be, how much money one has or who is one's parents, we all can behave regally, graciously, and with poise. 
• Be true to oneself.  If you feel convicted of an idea, thought or decision, stick to your guns.  Don't let others tell you how you should and shouldn't behave.  The Duchess is one who has always supported women's rights and in speaking for those who cannot.  Seems as if she will continue even under her new title. 
• Be comfortable with yourself.  None of us can control to whom we are born and under what conditions.  There may have been behind the scenes dramas that the press wasn't privy to but the Duchess of Sussex didn't excuse or explain her father or half-siblings.  She doesn't have to justify what she has done to overcome her background.  She is who she is. 
• All of us are royal on the inside.  If you follow your heart, be true to yourself, remain gracious, self-assured, you too are Duchess material.  Each one of us has been made in the image of the King of the Universe.  We are royal.  When we exhibit the characteristics of faith, hope and love we exhibit our royal connection.   It is the love that lifts us out of whatever condition we find ourselves in and we all have the same opportunity to experience it. 

It does all start with love.  As the Most Reverend Michael Bruce Curry said during the wedding service,

"Someone once said that Jesus began most revolutionary movement in all of human history, a movement grounded in the unconditional love of god for the world. And a movement mandating people to live that love. And in so doing, to change not only their lives but the very life of the world itself. I'm talking about some power, real power, power to change the world..     King was right. We must discover love. The redemptive power of love and when we do that, we will make of this old world a new world." 

General Recall

Our family loves flags.  We have a small flag pole attached to our deck and depending upon the season will fly a flag representative of what is happening in our world.  When the boys are home, their respective college flags wave. (Like the Queen in residence at Buckingham Palace) When the Scots were voting for independence, our St. Andrews Cross was seen and when we are in need of grace, we fly the General Recall flag.

Years ago my husband saw a collection of nautical racing flags at an old junk shop.  He debated purchasing them and in the end didn't, much to his regret over the years.  Last year I was in a nautical salvage shop and found a bunch of old flags.  I picked out one that I thought would look nice from our halyards.  Not knowing what it was, my husband informed me that it was the general recall flag used in sailing regattas.  "If so many boats are over early that the committee boat (monitoring the race) cannot detect them all, it raises the 'first substitute' or 'general recall' flag.  This abandons the start."  It is suggested that the committee boat try and fix the problem that caused the boats to be over the line early.  When ready for a new start, the committee boat will make 1 sound, lower the flag, wait one minute and proceed with a new start sequence. The race can begin again.

On days when we feel that we need a restart, we fly the flag.  It seems as if we are flying the flag more and more.

General Recall Flag

But that is not such a bad thing.  It reminds me to demonstrate grace:  Grace to myself, to my family and to others. 

I need a general recall when I am frustrated with my work.  I sometimes have to stop, assess what I am doing, make adjustments and then proceed.  Many times the new plan is much better than what I initially intended. 

I need a general recall when I am frustrated with a family member.  Most times it is not due to the member but due to me.  I need to stop, assess what I am doing (or how I am perceiving the situation), make adjustments (usually in my attitude) and then proceed.

I need a general recall when I am frustrated with others- whether those with whom I am working or those whom I pass on the street.  I need to stop and not be so quick to judge.  I need to remember to extend grace to them.  Perhaps they need a restart to their day?  To their life?

What about you?  Do you fly the general recall flag? If so, when?

We all need a restart every now and then.