“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.”

I remember saying those words to some knuckle head on the elementary playground. You know how it goes, a dumb little oyster says something mean, then another escalates the situation with some type of slur. Silly and untrue words but they can take hold and shape young minds. I know that words did hurt me.

Recently I “found” a book our son had left in our home as I was tidying up from the Thanksgiving holiday. It is called, The Know-It-All: One Man’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World, by A.J. Jacobs. Quite a claim by Mr. Jacobs. The title alone was off-putting to me but did pique my curiosity. I found that the parts that I read to be interesting.

The author organizes the book alphabetically, picking out words and entries from the Encyclopedia Britannica and writing about that subject along with some personal stories. Under “Q”, the entry “Quaker” caught my attention. Initially the word was a slur used against this religious sect for their “trembling” or quaking during worship. The group took the slur and turned it into their own- using it to identify themselves. Apparently the Methodists had the same thing happened to them. They were derided for their theological “methods” and were called Methodists. Again, the group turned around the slur, using it as their name. He goes on to mention similar examples. The term “queer” was once derogatory and now it is used as a group description.

I have been thinking about names and the descriptions that we call one another and ourselves. Are we defined by those words? Are they used as a weapon? Or as a compliment? Do those words limit us or expand us? Do they keep us from our true potential?

Do words matter?

I would say yes. Most definitely words matter. Words spoken, while they may not physically break any bones at the time, can do damage- emotionally, mentally and spiritually and eventually, they could possibly do physical damage. Negative words can reduce us to inactivity. Tell a person that they cannot do something (too dumb, too slow, too young, too old) and eventually, they won’t do it.

Interestingly a new study led by a team of Virginia Tech neuroscientists looked into how people interpret the significance of words. They mapped a person’s neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrin) while displaying for the subjects emotionally-charged words.

“Unlike animals, humans can understand words, their context, and meaning…Our findings suggest that these chemicals are released in specific areas of the brain when we process the emotional meaning of words. More broadly, our research supports the idea that the brain systems that evolved to help us react to good or bad things in our environment might also play a role in how we process words, which are just as important for our survival.”

There is also an interesting article from the Bonn Institute discussing words, journalism and the influence words have on our thinking and therefore our actions. Especially for journalists, words matter. We have seen it from both sides of the political aisles-what people say and write can harm others. A certain description for a group or person can change the whole context of the story and/or facts.

So, what can we do when words we hear or even say to ourselves are harmful? Especially when we let negative words impact our thoughts and therefore our reactions to ourselves and others. The National Health Service in the UK has a slogan: Catch it, Check it, Change it.

Catch it: Know what to look for- do we even realize that we are experiencing negative thoughts or I would add, hearing negativity? Sometimes we are so surrounded by negative comments, we begin to believe that is the only way to think. Types of unhelpful thoughts include:

Always expecting the worst outcome from any situation.
Ignoring the good sides of a situation and only focusing on the bad.
Seeing things as either only good or only bad, with nothing in between (black and white thinking).
Considering yourself the sole cause of negative situations.

Check it: Rather than immediately accepting this thought and feeling even worse, take a moment to check it. Try asking yourself:

How likely is the outcome you're worried about?
Is there good evidence for it?
Are there other explanations or possible outcomes?
Is there good evidence for alternative ways of looking at the situation?
What would you say to a friend if they were thinking this way?

Change it: Look back to what you were thinking about? How can you change the narrative in your head?

Instead of the situation being all bad, is it possible to think- okay, sometimes that is true but mostly it is not.
To see one positive in the situation- then maybe see one more until you can counter 1 negative thought with 3 positives?
One of the tools they suggest is a thought record. Click here to read how to set one up.

What I like about the record and some of the tools on the NHS website is that they give you permission to explore your thoughts. Just because someone told you something recently or even long ago, doesn’t mean you have to define yourself with it. You can let it go or even just hold it at bay for awhile, while you process it.

The other tool that the NHS mentions is a way to handle worry: One way to keep worries at bay is to allow yourself a set amount of time (say 15 minutes) to worry about a situation. After the 15 minutes are up, then move on to something else and don’t pick that worry back up until the next block of time that you give yourself to worry about that situation- say the next day. After a while, there may not be the need to have a block of “worry time”.

I “think” I am generally a positive person but I must say that I sometimes struggle with remaining positive. Those negative thoughts sometimes come out of the blue. I have to step back and ask myself- from where is this coming? Are the thoughts true? Some yes? If so, how can I honestly confront them? But if mostly, no, then what do I know? Can I turn those negative words into something positive? I have to remind myself that I am a beloved child of God’s and that God has a purpose and plan for my life. God also wants me to enjoy life and to enjoy each moment, not be weighed down by lies and negative thoughts.

What about you? Are there thoughts or words that run through your head? Are there descriptions that people have given you, that now define you? How accurate are they? Can you turn around that statement or word? Are there people who bring you down or lift you up?

As we are in the beginning of the holiday season, we need to be kind to ourselves and one another. For supposedly a season of goodwill towards all, sometimes the season can be filled with more bah-humbug than fa-la-la-la-la. People can be more like Grinch and Scrooge than like Jesus, especially in families.

One of the things I love about this time of year is the reminder that Jesus came to earth- Incarnate, God with us. Yes, God came to rescue us but I also think of the time Jesus was on earth, that He enjoyed being with us. While Jesus lived on earth, we experienced a brief glimpse of heaven on earth- when we communed with Jesus/God as God intended in the Garden of Eden. God uniquely created each one of us- to know Him and to enjoy God and I would add, His creation of others and the world around us. We do so by the way we treat one another- in deeds and in words. Ultimately, if we use kind words with others, we will use kind words for ourselves. And visa versa. We can change the way we frame our outlook and eventually we can change the interaction with others: No longer will names hurt us and others, because the names that we use are life affirming.

Interesting articles:

https://news.vt.edu/articles/2025/01/research-fralinbiomed-words-0106.html
https://www.bonn-institute.org/en/news/psychology-in-journalism-2
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/