Spoken by the man who lived his words. Without communication how can any relationship form, maintain and thrive?

Our church leadership group is reading a book, The Good and Beautiful Community, by James Bryan Smith. It is a book that brings together the ideas of spiritual formation and community engagement. It is thought-provoking as well as practical.

We recently discussed one of the chapters: “The Christ-Centered Community; Loving those we disagree with. What struck me was the emphasis on getting along, something that is in short supply lately. When we really stop and think about it, most times we disagree with others on non-essential issues: ideas or actions that in the long haul won’t matter. Similarly to the big Christmas argument that no one in the family quite remembers the topic. Relationships become tense and possibly broken as each side harbors hurt, wounded pride and misunderstanding. When we really get to the heart of an issue we find that we generally agree on essential fundamentals. Not all the time, of course. And recently there seems to be more and more disagreement on even the essentials of human existence.

In the application section, the author reminds us of the 18th-century Methodist leader John Wesley’s advice on loving those with whom we disagree:

Treat them as companions.
Do not think of speak evil of them.
Pray for them.
Encourage them to do good.
Collaborate with them in ministry.

Granted, this is written for Christ-followers in getting along with other Christ-followers, but I think that it has universal appeal. I think that these truths apply across the board. Just because someone doesn’t have your same beliefs doesn’t mean that you cannot pray for them (or think about putting your shoes in theirs for a while). While one might not call their work, “ministry”, you can still work with others in whatever job/service they do.

Makes me wonder- what would happen if our President and Congressional members prayed for each other? Treated one another as companions? Encouraged one another? Did not speak evil of each other?And, shall we even dare say, collaborated together?

Closer to home, what about the people with whom I disagree? Some times I am so annoyed with others that I do not want to think or pray for them and I definitely do not want to encourage or collaborate with them. Although I definitely want to speak evil of them- to all who will listen! Not a very good approach to building community.

Are you currently not getting along with someone or a group of someones? Are there any of the five suggestions you can try? I am thinking of one woman in particular who drives me crazy. Perhaps I need to stop thinking (and speaking) “evil”. (Evil might be too strong a word. But I do have the tendency to speak those subtle sarcastic remarks which are not encouraging nor uplifting.)

I did hear some wise advice once: find something positive to begin and end each conversation. If only certain twits (Is that the name for people who use Twitter?) would start that practice, imagine how much our political scene would change.

What about you? How do you handle disagreements? With your family, friends or co-workers? Do you ignore them? Provoke them? Love them?

Today, how can you get along with others or help someone else get along?

This week in the wake of Chief Justice Scalia's untimely death, I found it interesting to hear a story about Chief Justice Breyer and his speech on Wednesday at Yale University Law School. In the introduction of his speech he spoke of his friend and colleague Chief Justice Antonin Scalia. The two were known for their polar opposition regarding the constitution: Chief Justice was an "originalist" that the justices should determine what the framers' original intent was and stick to it. Chief Justice Breyer is a believer of "fluid constitution", that the values of the framers' must be molded to apply to our modern society.

What caught my ear was that even though these gentlemen disagreed, they were respectful of each other and were friends. In some ways, they agreed to disagree and enjoyed a good legal argument. When I googled information about the justices, there were stories upon stories about their opposition but about their mutual respect of each other.

How refreshing. If only our current political candidates and our legislation could be so cordial with each other. If only they would "agree to disagree". But it made me wonder- how does one agree to disagree? I feel that I don't see that practiced often enough and wonder even if I practice it.

There are many online psychology sites and relationship sites that talk about it. There are ways to "agree to disagree" in marriage, in friendship, in the workplace, and in day to day interactions. The commonality in the different scenarios seems to be- one needs to be empathetic and put oneself in the other's position. In doing so, you build communication. You listen, you show respect for the other person, you don't discuss a heated issue when either one is emotional or upset, you don't make any arguments personal, you speak to common issues and needs (if possible), you compromise and you humbly realize that you might not have all the answers.

Interestingly that there was an article in the Sunday New York Times that spoke to divisiveness in our society. Even though it was not stated it seems as if the commonality behind divisiveness and the avoidance of anything that appears to be divisive is that we as a society do not know how to "play nice" with each other in essence, how to respectively agree to disagree. Instead we decide to avoid talking about issues at all. Of course, in doing so we break down communication and understanding even further.

Upon reflection, I can see that avoidance in my own life and in the lives of people I know. There have been times when topics or ideas seem to be divisive. In some ways, the prevailing idea is that to keep the peace, there will not be any discussion about the situation. Sometimes that is a wise course of action and certainly it is an easier one but generally avoidance is like covering an infected wound without the aid of any treatments. Not a good practice. At best there will never be any healing and at worst a chance of septicemia and death.

How are you with agreeing to disagree? Do you discuss opinions or topics with family, friends, co-workers? What does it look like? Have you ever "argued" with someone trying to keep their needs and viewpoint in mind? How did it go?

It seems to me discussing difficult subjects or opinions in a respectful way is needed if we want to be healthy in our individual relationships and in our societal ones.

Getting Along

How To "Play Nice"