Actively Waiting

You ever have one of those weeks? Your thoughts are jumbled. Your words are stilted. Your actions are clumsy. Your behavior erratic. Your concentration is shot.

This past week has been one of those weeks. In some ways it was just a week ago (maybe longer- time is another thing that gets scrambled) that my husband and I were traveling to our Cape home for a weeklong vacation. We were there just about 24 hours when we had to turn around home.

You know the drill- The one time you turn off your phone so that you can concentrate on a specific task (we were attending an online church service) that you receive a voice mail with the words you don’t want to hear, “Your mother was taken to the local hospital because she had fallen in her room.”

A quick repacking of the car, a return down the same stretch of highway we had traveled less than 24 hours prior, numerous phone calls to the hospital, recorded voice messages, the wait for return calls only to have three calls come in at once, discovering that only 1 family member may visit during limited hours (which we had now missed for that day) for the duration of the stay and that person’s name must be given to the nurse at that moment as we are barreling across the Tappen Zee Bridge.

This week has been surreal. Time is not our own. So much hurry up and wait. Not much progress or information of progress from the medical staff and then- “She is being discharged this afternoon.” What? To where? She still is in pain. Another flurry of phone calls, recorded voice messages, the wait for return calls, only to discover that once transferred out of the hospital, she will be in quarantine for fourteen days in the rehab center. Another flurry of phone calls to see if there was any possible way that we could just see her as I felt in my heart, we may never get to see her again.

Because of COVID, there really is nothing we can do- no visits, no sitting with her during the day, no being there when the doctors and health staff make their rounds, no puttering around the room trying to make her comfortable, no familiar faces to soothe her agitated dementia/Alzheimer state. Knowing that in two weeks when the quarantine rules are met, we still may never get to see her as outside visitation is trickier in these cooler months. Knowing too, it will be a marathon of daily care/visitation/phone calls, once (if) we are finally allowed inside visits.

What to do in the meantime? I have no level of concentration at the moment. In thinking over the numerous times acute crisis have happened in my life, I realized I naturally fall into a pattern of actively waiting. Probably not due to any great character quality but rather because I am more hyper than I care to admit. I need to be busy.

I need to actively wait: to do something productive that keeps my mind engaged but not too taxed. I have found that when I am doing rote physical things (ironing, painting a room, cleaning, gardening) I can think of what I need to do next and let my mind wander. Actively waiting helps me control the things I can: if I can get something accomplished while I wait, I feel that I can handle what comes down the pike. I also find that in those times I am in a perfect position to pray for others. Thinking and praying for others while I am “going through the motions” helps keep my situation in perspective. Alas, the list of people for whom my heart is broken is growing.

“Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, in the conviction that something is happening where you are and that you want to be present to it. A waiting person is someone who is present to the moment, who believes that this moment is the moment.” Henri Nouwen

In this day and age, waiting seems to be seen as a passive and therefore negative action; waiting for the diagnosis, the other shoe to drop, the “phone call”. In essence, waiting for the next round of bad news. It is feeling that one is a sitting target for all the bad karma of the world.

I am reminded of the waiting times of life: waiting for the birth of a baby, waiting for the wedding day, waiting for the start of a new job or new career, waiting to hear if the offer on a house is accepted. The delay that is caused by waiting builds anticipation and excitement, allows time for validation of the decision and justifies the wait. The waiting becomes part of the whole experience.

What about you? Are you waiting for something? Something “good” or just the “shoe to drop”? How do you handle those waiting times?

I find comfort in the words of Isaiah (40:31) “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of eagles, they shall run and not be weary.” I cannot say that I am the most patient in waiting, but I am trying to recognize that even as I wait, something is happening in the situation where I find myself: if nothing else, I am learning to lean and be strengthened by God.

Prayer Warriors

Warrior : A person engaged in some struggle or conflict; a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.

Prayer warriors. In some ways it seems contradictory. Prayer conjures up peace, meditation, stillness, calm, while a warrior draws to mind, combativeness, aggression, chaos.

This past week another prayer warrior from our congregation has died. She joins a long line of saints who have gone on to Heaven before her. She was among a group of women who were formidable in their faith. Faithful in prayer. Committed to God’s word. Dedicated to sharing their faith with others through their words and deeds.

Called prayer warriors for their willingness to pray faithfully, earnestly, relentlessly, fearlessly. I think of them as lions for prayer- strong and courageous. I would hope that I could be a prayer warrior but some days I think of myself as a prayer kitten-skittish and scared.

The women and men that I know who are deep, strong pray-ers are, in some ways unremarkable. There is no special sign on their door, no special degree on their wall nor special look to their appearance. They are ordinary people who have chosen to rely on Someone else for their guidance and control of their lives. They know that in order to handle the anxiety, disappointments, stress, tragedies, evil in this world, prayer is the activity that is absolutely necessary.

Not that prayer is a magic pill. It is not, “say these incantations” and all will be well. Prayer is an honest, heart felt, sometimes heart wrenching conversation, plea, discussion even argument with the Creator of this world. It is also an opportunity to express our gratitude, praise as well as our concerns and petitions for others.

The women I know who are prayer warriors have experienced life in all its joys and sorrows. They have gone through Hell on earth yet know that it is only through prayer that they can carry on, survive and thrive. They know that it is only through prayer that we can do any good for others. They know that it is only through prayer that they will find peace.

On Sunday, one of our church members was sharing about her faith and her experience with prayer and anxiety and talked about Paul’s letter to the Philippians. She suggested that adding thanksgiving alongside with our petitions is a good mental health practice. The brain chemistry changes when we practice gratitude.

Yes. We should come to God with all of our problems, disappointments, hurts and sorrows but we also are well served if we come to God with our thanksgivings.

Just yesterday I was getting myself all anxious about the future. I think I had overloaded on Corona virus news. (Yes. Yes. I know. “Physician heal thyself”- I have written before about limiting the listening to that stuff!) I could feel my heart tightening, my belly churning and my breath becoming more rapid and shallow.

I took a deep breath and started talking out loud to God. Sharing my thoughts as they came as well as adding a praise word every so often. Funny thing, my one praise word, led to another and then to thoughts of things for which I was grateful. That one word led to a cascade of all sorts of thanksgiving.

What about you? How is your prayer life? Are you a prayer lion or kitten? Have you found prayer helpful in your life? If so, is it a continued practice? Do you talk to God about all things in your life- the good, the bad, the ugly? Why or why not?

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. “(Philippians 4: 6,7)

One of my favorite quotes from Corrie ten Boom: “Any concern too small to be turned into a prayer is too small to be made into a burden.” If only I can remember it!!!

How I suspect my prayer posture looks like…

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Yesterday my article, “Honor Thy Father” was published as a guest author on The Caregivers Space website.

Day 22: Words and Pictures: Prayer

How are you doing?

Really.

In Sunday’s New York Times there is an article entitled “ Why am I having weird dreams lately?” which is apparently one of the most frequently asked questions online. When I saw that I laughed because my husband and I have been asking each other that question almost every morning. There are some speculations as to why: we have more time to sleep, meaning more and longer REM cycles in our sleep which equates to more dreams as occur during the REM cycles. We are experiencing a trauma, a change to our living situation that we haven’t seen on this global level before (the complete stopping of commerce). The closest to a global deprivation was over seventy years ago during the war. There is a lot of stress and worrying and brain processing that can get all jumbled up in sleep. My dreams are a combination of past homes- while I “know” they are my former houses, the layout in the dream is different-, places I have visited, former friends, family members both living and deceased. Occasionally they contain a “plot” of a book I have read.

Regardless the combination, the dreams contain people or places I haven’t thought about in years.

So many people I talk with say the same thing. They also feel time and circumstances are surreal. They do not know what day it is. Time feels odd. The days pass slowly yet another week will go by and no one knows exactly where the time went. Feelings range from unmotivated, feeling disconnected, floundering, anger, denial to appreciation of the slowed pace and the opportunity to “get some things done around the house.”

There are lots of positive and helpful reminders online and public service announcements to stay healthy- physically and mentally. But even with practicing that, I find that I still feel that disconnect. While the routine in our household hasn’t really changed much, both my husband and I work from home and continue to do so, the weight of the present situation bears down on us. I find that I could sleep all day if I let myself. While it has been nice to catch up on some sleep, I do not like the feeling of being unmotivated. I find the reworking of priorities has me going through mixed emotions- from “why bother?” to “let’s get it done”.

When I feel that way, I try to remember to pray. With the cancellation of evening meetings and activities, you would think that I would be spending a lot of time praying but I am having trouble concentrating. I have found that I do more pop-up prayers. I will be walking along and someone comes to mind; my remembrance of them leads to a “please be with such and such in their situation” type of prayer. Or that my prayers are the thoughts that I turn to God as I go along in my day. At times I will have a running conversation, then some silence- similarly as I would with any close relationship. The writer Anne Lamott has a book entitled, “Help. Thanks. Wow”. According to her, those are the three prayers that any of us need to say. Perhaps those are the only three prayers we can say in this moment in time.

There is a recent interview with Amy Grant where she speaks about her spiritual journey. She wonders what it would take that would make one respond to God. She had asked her husband for years- What is the thing that will take your breath away- what will it take to cause you to raise your arms and have you recognize that God exists and that He loves you? He responded to her in a song, “All my life I've known of Jesus, But that connection never came…And when my Amy prays, That's when my hands raise.”

Jesus prayed and modeled prayer for us. Paul reminds us to pray without ceasing. David prayed his heart to God. Moses prayed for deliverance of his people. The prophets prayed for improved circumstances as well as national repentance. All those who prayed in the Bible prayed as in a conversation with God. Sometimes we pray for ourselves. Sometimes we pray for others.

When times are tough and out of control, prayer is the only thing we can do. While I may still feel the disconnect, I know that prayer gives me connection to the One who is in control.

What about you? Are you having weird dreams? Do they keep you up? Are you worried and anxious about much? If you could tell the author of the universe your troubles and travails, what would you say? Why not try praying for each other? Ask a friend, partner or spouse. Pick a time and pray together- over the phone or send a written prayer via text or email. You never know what might happen. Maybe your prayers would be what it takes for another to raise her hands in awe and wonder at God’s grace.

May I pray for you? I cannot guarantee that it will be sit down, hands folded, head bowed kind of prayer, but I would be honored to pray for the things most heavy on your heart. If so, just send me an email. (virginiaruth010@gmail.com)