Wrestling with God

 Jacob Wrestling with the Angel,  Rembrandt Harmensz. van Rijn 1659/60.

There are some Bible stories that really resonate with me.  One such is the story of Jacob and his wrestling with God.  Jacob was traveling with his family and sends them along ahead.  He is left alone when a stranger comes upon him and wrestles with him.  They wrestle all night. The stranger even puts Jacob's hip joint out of place yet  still Jacob won't release the stranger until the stranger blesses him.   Eventually the stranger does and Jacob realizes that he has wrestled with God (and lived). [Genesis 32: 22-32]

For most of my life I feel I have been wrestling with God.  My cries at times are refrains of  "Why?  Why me?  Why her?  Why him? Why won't you bless me, him, her? "  Other times I have held on to God like a leach and asked (and if I am honest more of a demand) for blessing upon blessing.  Still other times I have chomped at the bit, "Let me in coach.  I can do it. I am ready." 

Sometimes I think I ask too much of blessings rather than seeing the blessings already given and around me. My latest request for blessing was my struggle with finding balance in this new writing endeavor.  My June 13th post I wrote about my attendance to a writing workshop.  It was really good and just what I needed at the time. 

I do find that God has a sense of humor.  He knows all about my wrestling matches (after all, He is in it).  Before I attended the workshop I had given God an ultimatum.  I know, kind of stupid and naive- what was I thinking?  I just laid it on the line with God- either have some encouragement for me during this week or take away the heart's desire to write.  I ended up experiencing encouragement and a deep feeling that this is where God wants me to be.  At one point I was sitting in a chapel service and the realization that what had been spoken were words just for me was so humbling and grace filled. I almost couldn't contain my feelings of God's goodness.  Since then, I have been feeling in a good place and able to embrace and take on this idea. 

As I have disclosed before, I am not much of a runner unless I am chasing a tennis ball.  While I was at the workshop I thought it might be nice to walk/run in the mornings before the sitting sessions began.  Notice the emphasis on walk.  My running is a lot to be desired.  I get bored quickly.  I feel like I am living out the reoccurring dream of trying to run but feeling my feet are stuck in mud. 

One morning as I was leaving the guest house for my morning walk/run another guest was leaving at the same time.  He asked if I was running and I kind of hemmed and hawed because I am not a runner.  But we ended up running together.  He was/is a true runner. 

Since I am the type that once I have started something I have to complete it, I couldn't give up once we started. I kept running alongside my partner.  Turns out we did about three+ miles of continuous running.  I have never run continuously that long.  Ever.  

The last morning we met and ran about four miles.  It was easier than I thought and was fun to have someone alongside with whom to chat, comment and discuss life.  That day we just had a morning session and the conference was over at lunch.  I then proceeded to drive home.

When I got out of the car, I could hardly walk.  My difficulty walking continued over the next two days.  I thought, "Ok God.  You had your fun.  I have been wrestling with you like Jacob but really?  Did you have to cripple me in the process?"

I can safely report that my stiffness has worked out and I can walk normally now.  I also have been running on my own now that I am home.  

I share this because I wonder how many of you are wrestling with God?  Wondering why such and such happened?  Why won't He bless me?  Heal me?  Heal others?  Why is there hurt, suffering and problems that good people experience?   Have you seen blessings already given or around you? Even if He has blessed us, we start wondering if it is true.  We ask, "Did I hear correctly"?

From my experience, wrestling is a good thing.  It is relationship building- getting real and honest with God.  The thing is, He can take it.  He wants us to share all our doubts, questions, disappointments, failures, successes with Him. 

And along the way, He might even provide you with a little joke.

Bullet Head

Back in the 1970's during the running craze, a twenty something young man was running a marathon in Wisconsin with the hope to finish under 3 hours in order to qualify for the Boston marathon.   He was running fine, meeting his time goals when around mile 16 he felt something hit the top of his head.  He thought it might be a stone or something and when he felt the top of his head, he felt an "egg" type swollen area.  He didn't give it too much thought but just kept plugging along.   As he advanced along the course, he felt like he was running slower and slower and just didn't feel right but he plugged along and finally finished.  When his wife saw him at the finish line she was concerned because he didn't finish in the time they had thought.  Only when she questioned him did he mention the thing that hit him on the head.  She convinced him to see the race doctor who said that he saw something shiny in his skull and needed to go to the local ER.  While there, the doctors determined that he had a bullet in his brain and very carefully dislodged it. It was in a position that was just right for removal- any other place- either deeper or shallower would've created considerable health problems. 

It was only a couple days later that he received a call from a gentleman who wanted to know what the he, the runner looked like.  The caller was supposed to run in that Wisconsin marathon but didn't since he knew that "bad people" were after him.  Turns out the runner was shot in a misidentification mishap. 

What struck me was the humor and fortitude of this guy.  He eventually did run in the Boston marathon as well as many other marathons and extreme marathons.  For a time he even wore a running shirt with his nick name "Bullet Man" on it and was once on the show "To Tell the Truth".

Dennis Rainer was shot in the head while running a marathon in Michigan. He kept running, finishing the race in just over three hours. (Courtesy of Dennis Rainear)

He said that having the bullet in his head was a blessing and curse.  Of course, no one wants to be shot- the curse. But, he said anything after that incident pales by comparison:  at times when he wanted to give up running he would think, "I ran and finished a race with a bullet in my head.  How can I stop this time just because I am tired?"  He applied that fortitude to other areas in his life. 

It made me think of things that have happened to me that, at the time I found were a pain (literally or figuratively) and could be seen as a curse.  Yet, because I could press on through the incident and "survived", I can use that milestone as a reminder to keep going:  If I could get through in the past, I can get through in the present. 

What about you?  Any "bullets in your head"? What did you learn from that experience?  Are you still learning?  How can you reframe your bad experience into one that has shaped you in a better way?