Pick Yourself Up, Dust Yourself Off, Start All Over Again...

Well. I had my 15 minutes of shame. Actually it wasn’t that bad just disappointing.

I did have my meeting with a person in acquisitions for a publishing house regarding my book proposal. While I prepared as best I could, in essence it was a “don’t call us, we’ll call you” type of meeting.

Yes. I did learn some things with this process and yes, I will continue on with the manuscript and yes, I will try and get it in the hands of some other publisher. But for now I feel kind of bummed, embarrassed and silly.

Have you ever tried for something and been disappointed with the outcome? Stumbled, fallen, not made the mark? You get up and look around, hoping no one saw the tumble.

Of course, I am aware of the people who have stumbled, fallen, not made the mark and then, after persevering for a while, sometimes years, things fall into place and they have their dreams realized. The writers who have tons of rejection notices to their name, only to have someone pick up their manuscript and now they are best-selling authors. Or the film script that gets rejected for years only to finally be picked up and becomes a blockbuster, Oscar winning film.

But I also think of those creatives who keep plugging along with their writing, music, painting, acting, film making and never get picked up. Yet they keep going. Doing it for the love of creating. Many times what they create is just as good, even better than what is in the “successful” realm. Their work may not touch millions but they may touch the one in a million person who needs to hear what they have to say.

It is an interesting place to be- the soul shaped desire to create just for creating itself. Knowing that if one doesn’t do any creating, one’s soul is chipped away, like water dripping on a stone- eventually holes will form and the stone changes shape. To stay “in shape”, to stay sane; therefore, one needs to create.

But, one also creates for others- to be seen and heard and experienced. If one is fortunate enough, to change the world’s perspective for the good through the art of creation. In order to do so, the created work has to be out there for all to see. Keeping it under a bushel doesn’t help anyone.

And so, I will press on. But there are no words at this point when one is feeling disappointed.

My experience has me thinking-what is the best way to be with others when they are disappointed? Telling platitudes and expressions or examples of others having gone through the same situation, really doesn’t help. There is a period of wallowing in self-pity that I think we go through- (Well, at least for me- that shows you how shallow I am!)

I have found that there are two things that help me navigate disappointment: working on some household project and helping someone else. The former helps me to process what has taken place all the while doing some mindless task. The latter helps me to put my disappointment into perspective. So while I am wallowing, I feel that I have at least accomplished something.

What about you? Any disappointments lately? How did you navigate the situation? Do you have a ritual or routine that helps you? What do you do to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again?

Here is the wonderful Diana Krall singing a rendition of the Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields song. Is Ms. Krall’s husband- Elvis Costello-on the guitar behind her? https://youtu.be/_p_JxDGVqXg.

Here’s the segment from the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers film, Swing Time that Kern and Fields created for the 1936 film: Click here. Enjoy. It is hard to stay wallowing when Fred and Ginger kick up their heels.

A Dream Deferred

Recently a friend of mine who has known me almost my entire adult life said that he felt the “old me” was back. He recognized that I had had some trying times the last couple of years and that at our last meeting he felt that I was back as the person of yore.

On one hand I felt honored that he cared enough to say something and that he recognized my distress over the years. On the other, I was embarrassed to think that perhaps I didn’t exhibit as much “grace under pressure” as I had hoped or thought I had over those years. Yikes!

But the more I thought about it, I realized that my return to the “old me” was due to resurrecting a dream deferred. Laying aside a dream is kind of like checking a coat: When you cannot keep a coat with you- whether visiting a museum, theater or dinner, you turn it in to an attendant who hangs it up on a numbered hanger. In return you get a chit or piece of paper with an identifying corresponding number or letter on it. Your items are carefully stored and watched and when you are done with whatever you are doing, you turn in your chit for your respective item. You don’t have to worry about your checked items. They are being attended to by the attendant.

For a good number of years, I had to lay aside my writing plans in order to attend to the needs of others. At the time I felt that I had thrown away those plans and the thought crushed my soul. I was internally angry, upset and disappointed. It was especially hard because I thought that writing was my “calling” and God’s plan for my life. I was doubting whether I had “heard” correctly?

I hadn’t gotten it “wrong”, I just had to wait. In essence I was just checking the dreams: they were still there. I just had to delay until the time was right for me to collect them.

My hopes and dreams were put on a shelf for a little while. At the time I thought they were completely dried up and the thought did make my heart sick. I didn’t think that many people noticed but my friend must’ve recognized something. When we are disappointed with life we do have a tendency to change our demeanor. I just wished that I had realized that even though the dream was deferred, it was still there. God was carefully storing and watching over them. If I had realized that, I would’ve appreciated that deferred time better. I wouldn’t have wasted energy kicking, screaming and behaving badly before God. In essence, I would’ve enjoyed the meal and not worried about my checked coat.

The thing is, the experiences that I had while my dreams were “sitting” have aided me in what I am doing now. In truth, nothing is wasted in God’s economy. Even our disappointments can be used for good. I realized that my feeling “heart sick” was not necessarily the delayed dream but the feeling of hopelessness that it wouldn’t happen. When hope seems lost there is despair and anger. I was mad at God. I couldn’t understand why He would put the creative desire in my soul to just let me languish. That is what I got “wrong”: God’s timing. It wasn’t that the dream was gone but that it was to be deferred. God’s timing was different than mine and so much better.

What about you? Have you had to defer a dream? How did that make you feel? How long did you have it deferred? Did the dream change while you were waiting?

While the Bible speaks to what happens without hope (“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12), it also speaks to waiting: “But those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and never be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31). In some translations the word “hope” is used for “wait”.

Recently I discovered that the play “A Raisin in the Sun” by Lorraine Hansberry got its title from the Langston Hughes poem, Harlem. While I agree with the descriptions of what it feels like to have a dream deferred, I would also want to encourage him to hold on- that even in a deferred dream there is hope. There is always hope.

Harlem by Langston Hughes:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore—

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over—

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Day 5: Words and Pictures- Expectations & Expectancy

What are your expectations? About your future? Your family? Your self? Your health? Your job? Your life philosophy? The corona virus? I think part of my anxiety of this pandemic is that we do not really know what to expect. Sure, there are predictive models and interpretation of past pandemics or current countries but there is really no set plan or pattern for what the next couple of months, weeks or even days might look like.

They say that much of the stress of holidays, family gatherings or lifetime events is due to false or high expectations. We think: “This Christmas, everyone will be happy with their gifts.” “We will have a family photo and everyone will be in a good mood…” “The weather will be perfect for the outdoor wedding…” We set ourselves up with expectations only to be let down.

As I reflect during Holy Week, I think of the false expectations the people in Jesus’ day had about Him- they wanted a conquering, warrior king to relieve them from the oppression that they were experiencing. Jesus’ reason to coming to earth was broader and more expansive than that: He conquered death and sin for the ultimate relief of oppression. He came so that ALL may experience abundant life both in the present and the future.

If I am honest, I must admit that sometimes I have false expectations of Jesus too. I (falsely) think that if I do the right things, behave in the right way then I will have a life without any struggle- I will remain healthy, financially solvent and all will be well with kith and kin. The thing is, that is not true. Jesus isn’t a genie or fairy godfather. There isn’t a cosmic “if this…, then that…” cause and effect equation. My relationship with Him is not conditional on my good deeds or works.

I wonder if one reason our expectations are disappointing is because rather than understanding the entire word and its definition-hoping or thinking something pleasant will occur, we get stuck on the “expect” part of the word. We expect that when we do certain things (follow the rules, plan to the nth degree, be a “good” person) we are entitled to a struggle-free life. One thing I am learning is that feeling entitled or expecting exactly what I want is a recipe for total disappointment. It produces bitterness, superiority and despair.

I like the word expectancy instead. While expectations and expectancy have similar definitions (the act or state of looking forward or anticipating, the probability that something will occur, the state of thinking or hoping that something, especially something pleasant, will happen or be the case) I think the word expectancy has an emphasis on positive energy- a future, an arms-wide-open life experience that whatever happens, I will embrace and rejoice. It is living into a not-knowing, yet hopeful, anticipated outcome rather than “this is what I want and am disappointed if I don’t receive it” one. (Kind of how dogs live their lives.) It is not that I am suppressing my desires either. Rather, if I align my expectations with what Jesus teaches- compassion, truth, goodness, loving God and loving humankind- and try and live into that with expectancy, then my expectations will be met even in the midst of illness, financial struggle, or insecurity.

It takes faith to let go of the expectations and let the future unfold in alignment with Jesus. I still am going to be smart about my life choices and the way I conduct myself. I just would rather have a future that is totally entwined with expectancy of seeing Jesus work in my life.

In a recent sermon, I heard the following quote: As we don’t know our life expectancy, live your life WITH expectancy. I would hope that when this pandemic ends (and it will eventually), I will look back and realize that I did just that. What about you?

Hope Floats

Today as I was driving to the beach for a dog walk, I came across this boat. (Somehow it just doesn’t seem right to drive to a walk but that is for another tale.) I think it was meant to be a landmark for the house down the lane from the main road. It just struck me as funny and poignant.

“Hope”. It would be a miracle if this boat floats. Did it ever float? Was it once in bristol condition? What happened? Could it be rebuilt and once again take on the seas?

Yet, I was thinking how often this worn down, unseaworthy boat can be symbolic for my hope and ultimately my faith. Truth is, while I have hope for everyone else in the world, sometimes I do not have hope for myself. I truly believe that God has something special for everyone but I don’t always think that for myself. I may say that I have hope but many times I am quite cynical because experiences and relationships have sometimes not worked out as I have hoped. Each time I hope for something and it doesn’t appear to come to fruition, my hope boat springs a leak. I can easily be beaten down by the winds of disappointment. Each time they blow, my little vessel becomes battered and knocked about.

I recognize that way of thinking is immature and shortsighted. The little hope boat on the side of the road has come at time when I need to reflect on my faith. I have felt hopeless these last couple of months. Am I so shallow in my faith that a battering of broken bones and subsequent nerve damage (hopefully temporarily) has got me flummoxed?

Of course, I recognize that hope, faith and trust go hand in hand. When I feel my hope slipping and my little vessel of faith becoming unseaworthy, I remember all that God has done and all His promises. I remember that God is a good, loving and faithful Father. I remember that God’s will and timing are not at all mine. I remember that I am in need of so much grace and I need to extend that to others.

I remember Romans 8: 24: “Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.” Right on the heels of that verse is a promise that even when we do not know how to pray- there are so many examples of how we can be stymied in prayer: loss of hope/faith, disappointments, overwhelmed, grieved, etc- the Spirit is there to help us. The Spirit intercedes for us when all hope is lost. How comforting is that?!

When my little vessel of hope is floundering, I need to remember that God is there to help right it. I need to trust and keep the faith.

What about you? What would be the name of your faith vessel? What would its condition be? Does your hope float?

Eclipse(d)

Yesterday was the day of a total solar eclipse, stretching from the West Coast in Oregon diagonally across America like a solar sash to South Carolina.  There has been much discussion about it, much excitement and to some extent much hype. 

Unfortunately, my location in the Mid-Atlantic didn't afford me a good location to see the eclipse. We had a lot of cloud cover.  Although during the appointed time when we should've experienced about 80% of the eclipse, the sky darkened and there was an odd glow about it. 

I have been thinking about the eclipse and word's definition.  Astronomy aside, eclipse also means "a reduction or loss of splendor, status, reputation," etc. (noun) or "deprive (someone or something) of significance, power, or prominence" (verb).  It also means "to cause to undergo eclipse".

Got me thinking about the things that seem to eclipse me:  fear, anxiety, bitterness, disappointment.  These are the things that block me from experiencing life and all its glory, joy and beauty and these are the things that I allow to deprive me from being the person I was created to be.  

Do you ever feel eclipsed?  Have you ever felt a loss of significance, power or prominence? Do you ever feel that you have been deprived?

With all the safety warnings of not looking at the sun, I was reminded of the Greek myth of Icarus who flew too close to the sun with his wax and feather flying contraption.   Icarus was instructed by his father to stay on the flight path: to fly not too close to the sea and not too close to the sun.  Icarus in his giddiness to fly, did not heed his father's warnings and had a fatal accident when he ascended too high and the heat of the sun melted his wax causing him to  fatally fall.  The warning of the myth is to avoid complacency and hubris.  

What is surprising to me is that in the eclipse video feeds of the places that received totality, that even though it was getting darker, when there was only just a sliver of sunlight showing, there was still light to see.  Even with impeding darkness, the sun's rays are powerful enough to shed some light in even the smallest of areas. 

It gives me hope that although I may be deprived of living the way I should be, there is still a chance that I can get it right.  I can choose whether I will allow those feelings of fear, anxiety, bitterness and disappointment to dominate my thinking and my life.  I can choose not to allow hubris to dictate my thoughts: to choose to not think of myself more highly than I really am.  For after all, when I am fearful or anxious it is because deep down I think I can control every outcome.  When I a bitter or disappointed it is because I think I deserve better.  It is all arrogance  and pride on my part.

The eclipse reminds me that even though the sun might not be seen for a time, it is still there behind the moon and will shine again soon.  I may have things blocking and depriving me a life free of worries but it doesn't always have to be.  The sun reminds me of God's promises that He is in control and is always there.  When I get anxious (and lately, I have been anxious about many uncontrollable things) I have to remind myself that God is still there, He is in control, He has taken care of things in the past and will do so in the future.  I need to recognize my frailty and humanness and give over to His sovereignty. 

What about you?  Did you watch the eclipse yesterday?  What was your reaction?  Do you ever feel that things in life are "eclipsing" you?  What are they?  What do you do to "be safe" during those times? 

The sun reminds me that when I put things in its proper place- humbling aligning myself  with God- I am free to enjoy the world around me.  I am free of fear, anxiety, bitterness and disappointment.  The sun reminds me that I do not need to be eclipsed. 

Taylor Swift- We Need a Hero

Confession time.  I have been interested. Nope, let's be honest, I have been obsessed with the Taylor Swift/Tom Hiddleston romance that has unfolded over the internet this summer.  Not only the romance, but also the publicity war over lyrics to a song by Kanye West.  Who knows what is the exact truth to any of the "reports" (mostly made up stories) on the internet.

But what has struck me is the passion with which people write or comment about this woman and her personal and professional life.  One would think that those who are commenting had personally been affected by the star's behavior. Granted, we are in an age and she is of the age when self-disclosure and self-promotion are the norm.  It is very rare when people do their jobs quietly without a tweet, Instagram posting or snapchat. I am learning that in just doing this blog and writing in general, it is expected that I self-promote. As an editor pointed out to me, we are in the age of social media. Social network means having to be social- one has to disclose and share.

But there seems to be a yearning for someone to arise from the smoldering ashes of our volatile society. Someone who seems above the fray.  Someone who doesn't stoop to another's level, who behaves in a decent way and who is humble.  Almost by definition, the person who behaves in that matter is not going to be splashed all over the internet.  Short of that, we want someone who portrays the qualities of niceness, goodness, and honesty, but also who is strong, smart and looks pleasing to the eye.  In essence, we are looking for a hero.

The thing is when we look for a human hero, we are greatly disappointed.  

Perfect as someone might try to be eventually they will fail. The higher we place someone on a pedestal the farther they fall.  The taller someone sits on his high horse, the greater the distance to the ground.  We become disenchanted so quickly. When someone doesn't behave in the manner we think their persona should do, or doesn't do, say or give us the thing that we want, we are quick to label, name call and vilify those that "hurt" us.  Seems silly when most of the time we don't even know the person. 

We do this all the time with celebrities and politicians. I think we also do it in a lesser degree with our own personal interactions. Generally it is with people we only know superficially and so we go by what we see- the neighbor with the beautifully maintained yard, the immaculately dressed and always prepared co-worker, the smiling parents on the soccer sidelines or the "everything is fine" parishioner .  We go through the mental exercises of thinking so and so is perfect, "everything always works out for them", and when we hear or see a crack in their perfect veneer we are quick to help widen that crack through our words, "I am not surprised that they had trouble with (fill in the blank) ...", or with our thoughts, "I might have my issues but at least I don't have (fill in the blank) ....".  We place that person in a ladder comparison game with us pushing the other down the rungs while trying to move up by our own smugness.  Ultimately it is a game in which no one wins since the ladder isn't stable to begin with. 

The only way to stop the comparisons, to remove the pedestals and to stable the high horse is to replace it with grace and mercy. Ironically our "hero worshipping" should prove to us that people will let us down, that we cannot assume anyone is perfect and that we need to dispense grace to others just like we need grace. Every online story about a celebrity  should remind us that we too have our own issues. 

We all have fallen short of where we need to be in God's eyes.  And there is nothing we can do about it. We cannot do enough good works, rule following or perfect behavior. Yet in the compassionate nature of God, He has provided a way that we can be right in His eyes. We can do the simple act of believing that there is a true hero, a savior who walked among us and who rescued us from not only original sin but from our judgmental, hypocritical, individually sinful selves.  When we place our trust and faith in Him we will never be disappointed. 

What about you?  Who is your hero?   Have you ever been enamored by someone you only to discover they were not what you thought?  Have you ever been disappointed by the behavior of others? Have you ever been disappointed by your own behavior?  Do you need to dispense grace to others?  To yourself? Do you need The Hero in your life?